Saturday, May 29, 2010

Hopped onto someone's laptop at a party I seem to have found myself at, so this is going to be brief.

As some of you have expected, and emailed me about, I've gone slightly batshit over the events of the last, gods, I don't even know. How many hours has it been? Math has never been my strong suit.

But I could write way too much on that and my time on this thing is short.

Got off of work at noon so I could grab lunch with PD before I headed up to SF. When I arrived, they were prepping to shoot some lesbian porn. By the time we returned from lunch, the cute little blonde had left and the scene had turned into an interracial bit of MILF porn starring a sassy redhead with huge and perfect fake breasts.

PD and I headed up to the fourth floor, taking up space on an antique couch that was also used in some of the shoots. Naked, rolling around on this creaky couch, one of his long-time friends showed up and was promptly embarrassed.

Before that, though, I was on top of him, talking. Him, trying to get his erection down, telling me if we weren't going to be having sex until August, he wasn't going to let me get him off of my own accord. I expressed concern, as he is so picky about his partners, that maybe I just wasn't doing it for him.

Between kisses, he whispered compliments, about my kisses, about my body, about me.

He showers me in verbal affection. Beyond what I'm used to. He takes time to show he values me with his words, open and honest, even though we're not going anywhere, established from date one that I won't date a man who won't give me monogamy, won't give me children. It's just another dead end in a growing series of dead ends.

But he makes me feel good about myself. So good. Supporting me during this period of development that is so crucial. Blogging about me on his public blog.

Once his friend showed up, I said my goodbyes, let him get on with his business, and hit the road.

Obviously, I arrived to San Francisco okay.

However, once I got there, things went a little south.

I was set to stay with Playboy. A little uncomfortable because he is so aggressive, but when he was down here last, I established social and sexual dominance (so linked for men) and hoped that would hold, even on his turf.

It didn't. It very much didn't.

He didn't care that I said no. However many times I said no. He's so much bigger than I am, so much stronger. He's built kinda godlike and he has no qualms about using that strength to his advantage.

He nearly ripped my shirt off me, pawing me, ignoring my words, dragging me onto the bed as I tried so hard to use my weight to pull away. He didn't care. Whenever I turned my back on him, he'd grab me, pull me against him in an iron grip, hands going into my shirt, down my pants.

Finally, finally I convinced him to go chase tail at a nearby bar.

He didn't come back to the apartment that night.

I woke at 655, showered, my bags already packed, texted two people, and found myself another place to stay. Grabbed breakfast down the street, walked to the mission on Dolores Street and paid to go inside, wandering the old building and the overgrown cemetary until 10AM, making notes on my voice recorder, taking pictures of the things that fascinated me.

Drove over the bridge, dropped into Albany, met a friend who I hadn't seen since February 09.

Playboy kept calling, kept texting, asking me where I went, asking if I was coming back, that he was showering and wanted me there, asking if I was mad because he drank a little alochol last night, assuming I was pissed because he didn't come back to the apartment until well after he came back.

Finally, I texted him to tell him I had found another place to stay and to enjoy his weekend.

I should've cut his friendship long ago. Once I started reading books on Game and seduction, on different ideas of interaction, I knew what he was, I knew I shouldn't hold to old friendships just for the sake of nostalgia and my odd sense of loyalty.

I asked him last night, how many women he had been with, total. He said 62, which is about 30-35 since we slept together so long ago. I asked how many times he used condoms. None. When I expressed concern, he told me that he "only slept with clean girls".

When I arrived, he asked again if I would not be sleeping with him this weekend, I confirmed that we'd have no sexual interaction, that I wasn't having sex with anyone and hadn't since GV8 in February. That sex that nearly made me cry because I was so desperately in love. So head over heels. Playboy, he told me he was glad I hadn't been having sex, because that would make it easier for him to arouse my frustrations and get me to fuck him.

So I left.

Stepping up, feeling like a bitch, but claiming my time and happiness as my own.

PD texted me around midnight, making sure I had arrived okay. I told him I had, but worried about Playboy. He told me what I was already planning: sleep on it and make a decision when I was well-rested in the morning. He told me he was sure that I would handle whatever situation arose with grace.

He's a good man.

Roman was checking in on me, knowing how distressed I was over the GV8 thing. Referring to my loins as the center of the universe, making me laugh. So few people realize how amazing he is, it boggles me. But he does, texting me sporadically throughout the day, telling me to call to check in, help keep me sane.

Maurice called as well, a mellow voice of reason, offering input and, importantly, an ear and a shoulder.

I don't know what's going on. A large part of my brain wonders if this is a sort of revenge. This is too public, too much, and this blog is so important to me. Part of my brain wonders if he can change, if he should change. Whatever the motive, the reality remains the same.

I can't be that girl anymore. Too many things have happened and, yes, I love him, gods, do I love him. But I've lost trust. I can't idolize him anymore, I can't worship him like I did, constant adoration.

What can he do? What is he willing to do? Where is that line between his personal happiness and my happiness?

I told him once, lying in his bed, just before we fell asleep, I define trust as the belief that, should I be unable to make a decision for myself, that the person I trusted would be the one who would make my decision for me, no matter how contrary it ran to his beliefs and desires. That he would choose what he knew I would want.

Does he just miss me? Does he just worry that I'm meeting other men?

Or does he love me, love me to the point of monogamy, to fathering my children? Making this decision, this offer, for my happiness.

Is he selling me short?

Is this just a prank?

Does he know what he's doing?


  1. Okay, since everybody seems to be doing it. I don't know you, and you don't know me, and I haven't been asked to but in, so if this is rude and annoying, please disregard this post. But, about what has been lost:

    Adoration and worship has no place in a long term relationship, in my experience it always gives in, eventually.

    If you, or he, needs your constant idolization of him to keep you two together, it's probably not a healthy relationship.

    Trust, on the other hand.. kind of important in these situations.

  2. Idolising your partner is important, otherwise why bother? I can go and pick up a woman anywhere and it was even easier in other places I have lived such as South America or Asia.

    I am rather surprised at how conventional you are Poetry. The whole focus on children and monogamy, whilst completely understandable, (and personally something I agree with), is rather at odds with the general tone of your blog.

  3. My personal opinion based on what I've read about him, is that he is only happy when he's in control. It seems that the flavor of his game was to control your mind all along. It can be fun, being that we're submissive in the bedroom...and I see the appeal... but he isn't the kind of person that I'd want in control of my life. If you can't trust him, there's a reason. Don't question your instincts. I've questioned mine one too many times and gone back on decisions based on guilt or second-guessing my instincts and it was the wrong choice every time. When you are surrounded by men who seem to have your best interest at heart (PD, Roman, Maurice) why waste time when you already read this book? You know how it ends. The thing is, it can be fun and fabulous to date someone like this... no question about it... but I don't think he's going to give you all that you want and need for long term. If you are expecting him to change, then you don't want him for who he really is... and that alone is a reason to move on. Believe me, I have loved men to the ends of the Earth and back and swore that I would NEVER find anyone else to love me like that.. or I'd never find anyone who made me feel that way... I was wrong. You're fooling yourself if you think you can't or won't find anyone to meet your every need...someone who you won't need to change in order to really make you happy. It's worth the wait.

  4. I've been desperately rooting for you and GV8 since last year. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel. The frenzy of your last posts makes me think of the whispered rhythms of this song:

  5. does he know what he's doing? probably not. who would? but is he willing to follow through, that's a tasty question.

    the queen told me today that part of him never wants to be in a relationship, part of him regularly feels ambivalent toward it. and this from a guy who wants a partner and a family. he also just wants to fuck and run. we all have minds that battle themselves - unless we've decided to pretend we only feel one way, and sell out the rest of ourselves.

    i guess this is my dire romanticism coming out - embracing the unknown is the closest to reality we can get, and it drives us crazy.

    you can do it, v.

  6. There's been a lot of really great comments re: the GV8 situation, but I feel a lot of us have been distracted by side issues and none of us have directly addressed the elephant in the room.

    Regardless of your feelings on marriage, kids, commitment, love, great sex, compatibility, trust, pedestaling, dominance, whether people can change, etc...

    How long have you two known each other and in that time how many times have you gone through this cycle of break-up and make-up?

    That's where I would start.

  7. Wish I could say something supportive or make attempts at EBM related witty banter, but am going through a major depressive episode and can't formulate thoughts into words (or that many coherent thoughts, either).

    Still here, still following, still rooting.

  8. I agree with the other noters. I sort of jolted at your mention of adoration. At some point, accepting the humanity and imperfections of your mate is required for any long-term relationship. Further, you're looking for someone dominant, someone smarter than you who you can trust as your proxy in all things. Good luck with that one, hon. You're too fucking smart for that. The problem isn't with the guys you're finding, the problem is with you allowing *yourself* to be human and let down the guard for other people you consider human and fallible.

    GV8 is not a god. He's a man who projects everything you're looking for, but underneath, he's still a man. You've fallen for his projection, but I believe that the man underneath knows he'd ultimately disappoint you. How can he not? You love a god. A figment of things he wants you to believe and things you willingly believe.

    But here's the judge him for being human (changing his mind)...but it's only in accepting that he's human that you guys have a chance for anything more than more drama.

  9. I have posted my very first Blog to share a few words. GV8

  10. mr brodribb, why do you have to be so damn logical? i was enjoying their fairytale. sigh. that IS a good point. a marriage means you'll both change, and you either stick it out (short of the Terrible - rape or non-consensual beatings) or you bail at the first, second or tenth sign of disappointment. all of which will happen. but maybe you broke up out of uncertainty, and the marriage will help firm the commitment up for you both. i still perch on the romantic side. rah rah love!