Solipist

I had one of those moments today.

One of those moments where I would have done anything to escape my own skin, crawled out of my skull a la Athena out of Zeus. You hit that point where you're feeling and thinking so goddamned much you just want to get up and run. No location, no set direction, just go.

Burn off those emotions, burn off that energy.

I was reading between various projects at work, looking for my next book recommendation online, skimming through quotes of authors, trying to find that one book that will change my life... for at least a week. One that will scramble inside my brain and reorganize thoughts, introduce me to new concepts, new ways of thinking.

And then I stumbled on a set of quotes from Rollin's Solipist.

Fuck me.

I went from calm, easily distracted, but chugging along at a decent pace, to nearly incapacitated as my mind attempted to digest his words. It took me almost an hour to calm down completely, almost an hour to stop my brain from buzzing, telling me that this isn't real, that this person, this concept, this idealization is not real. It does not matter how much those words sing to me, they sing to thousands, maybe millions.

It feels like loss. It feels like there could be such an explosion there, if only the chemicals existed. I find it sad that we live in the same town, but we'll never meet.

For one moment, I was not isolated. For one moment, words bridged that gap between the rest of the world and myself. I could reach someone.

You live your whole life in this place, with set goals, set expectations. You learn to take what is given. You settle, your insides scream until they run out of breath.

I will not settle. I will be alone, or I will be with someone that makes me burn.