Monday, June 8, 2009

We've got a war to fight...

Exhaustion, for me, creates strong emotions.

I'm normally very externally mellow.

Then I get tired and the internal anxiety starts bleeding over into my body language, except I am too tired to bother monitoring it or controlling it once I notice.

You fight anxiety. You breathe, you put your head down, you talk calmly to yourself until the rushing need to run, to exert and tire yourself, dims, and you're functional again.

It's all about being functional.

Trying to keep everything together, trying to not get overwhelmed by social demands, work demands, school demands, family demands, and self-demands. Trying to take care of the life-stuff that has deadlines, making sure everything gets done on time because you're going to launch soon and it Needs To Be Done before then.

Friends are throwing me a party/gathering on Wednesday. Amusingly, it's because I'm going to be done with school for the semester, so I'll be able to go out two more nights a week.

I was looking forward to being done with school, but now I realize it'll just be two more nights for people to invite me to things, for catching up with friends I've let fall by the wayside, as opposed to doing things for myself, getting the alone time I need so very badly.

It's too much input.

Too many views, too many opinions crowding into my head, about who I am, what I should be doing, how I'm perceived, how I act, how wonderful or damaged I am. Constant feedback. Constant interaction and I just want to go rent a cabin somewhere out in the boonies and stay there for a week, or hop on a plane and go to someplace where no one knows me and turn off my phone.

GV8, he makes me feel normal. Not normal like he's so wild and extreme that I look normal by comparison, but normal because we've both got this internal drive to take care of everything and everyone around us, that we're both constantly on call, both overwhelmed by our schedules, we've both been through odd shit that most people haven't (though his is much more intense than mine, which I'm glad for).

He's one of the only men I've ever met that makes me feel safe. Because he'll protect me and, I know, because of his background, he'll succeed. He goes from chilling beta male to alpha-oh-my-god-he's-going-to-destroy-you in an instant. I've never seen a guy do that, disguise themselves like that. His body language shifts so rapidly. He doesn't ever need to bluff with posture, doesn't have to do the tactical defense so people will leave him alone, he adapts. He knows that, without a doubt, he can handle anything.

It's lovely.

It's not perfect, though. But it's better than I've seen in the past.

And everyone has different styles.

Saturday night... being with him was so relaxing. I had no nervousness about having sex in front of so many people, had no need to perform, no anxiety, no self-doubts. If they had been playing Portishead and Massive Attack instead of what they were, I probably would not have left the back area. Sounds of sex, of flesh on flesh, that tell-tale noise of a girl squirting sounding off from one side, then another, light moans, and the high-pitched keening noises as a girl is pushed over the edge... it was just perfect.

Being able to talk to him like I did, while we were out, while we were engaging in social activities, it was freeing. I'm sure when something similiar happens again, the anxiety will return, but it will fade with time and practice.

He's going to be taking on a partner soon, so he will have more free time. His business is getting so big that he cannot run it with the staff he has now, and it's so demanding of him that we always have to cut into his work-time so we can meet up.

He's good for me. He's good to me. I don't run from this stuff, but I'm concerned over how much longer it will be for me until I want a relationship with him. I'm so good about distracting myself with other men, diffusing my attention so I don't focus on just one guy.

But he's good. He's healthy. He's assured and driven. He communicates. He's reliable. He doesn't flake, doesn't push. He has a huge circle of friends in all sorts of communities, people who he takes care of, people who rely on him and trust him. His employees are family to him.

And we understand each other, I think. It's not perfect, but we both have a similiar baseline when it comes to certain things.

How many months can I put this off?

I wanted to stay single for a least a year, hoping for two. He doesn't mind that I date other men, sleep with other men, even though he's monogamous. Well, emotionally monogamous. He actually said to me, on Saturday, "Hey, have you tried that thing I showed you with your mouth/hand combo on anyone else yet?" And when I said no, he told me to let me know when I did and how they liked it.


A guy who supports me giving head to other guys? Who shows me new things so I can try it on other men?

My mind is kinda... blown.

No pun intended.

And it's about lunch time now. It's overcast out, not as dark as I like it, but it'll be good enough. Barely windy. Coffee, here I come.

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