Monday, June 8, 2009

How can it feel this wrong?

I'm feeling a bit better.

The shower helped some. Dinner with one of my friends after finishing part one of my final, which did not go poorly at all, was also good.

I tend to keep girls away from me.

They don't get me, I don't get them. We just end up staring at each other, like two different species meeting in the savannah, trying to figure out what the other one is doing, what the other one plans on doing.

While the majority of my friends are male, I do have some female friends, other odd ducks. Odd in different ways, but still odd. I'm not sure what puts us in this outside "other" category, but there is almost a tangible wall there, at least for me.

C, she thinks my misogyny is amusingly offensive. And it is. I stereotype women horribly. It's a combination of insecurity from various sources and a lifelong frustration at having to deal with indirect communication being the only form of communication acceptable to women.

I get irritated when people are unable or unwilling to speak their minds.

And my own education as a white, American, upper-middle class female in southern California has been quite lacking, as I surrounded myself with boys my entire childhood, to the present.

Men are more fun, harder to offend, easier to understand. They get my sexuality, I get theirs, everyone's happy and enjoying themselves. I've always been one of the boys, work in a male-dominated industry in generally male-occupied positions.

I acted in a secretary-type role once, for a few months. It was a temporary job I was doing for a friend, setting up their company, taking care of the legal crap, setting up the accounting, pulling together a cutsomer database and moving the office into a larger location. Once I finished putting everything together, I got so bored that I ended up quitting for an incredibly fast-paced job at another office that I quickly took over.

I can't imagine being considered feminine in any regard. Yes, I have the curves, I have the body.

I just don't have the mind. Which translates to body language, so if I'm not purposefully acting feminine, I'm obviously not. Yes, it'd be nice to be able to switch back and forth easily, and I do... I'm just not as comfortable in the female role as I'd like to be. It's a goal. I know I can pull it off, and I do when necessary, but I don't have that polish that comes with the internal knowledge that I am feminine, that I belong in these dresses, these heels, this make-up.

Hm, reading over this, I'm getting to what I want to get to fast enough, it's not coming up.

And that's why I write.

I write constantly. It's become a compulsion over the last few months, but I've always written. I keep multiple blogs, as well as a paper journal for when I can't get to a computer. Sometimes, especially of late, I'll get into bed, snuggle into my pillow, and... get back up after ten minutes because I've thought of something that needs to be typed out and then I end up sitting in the office at 1AM on a worknight, trying to get everything taken care of so I can finally go back to bed.

It's been a bit weird.

Anyhow, I was surfing around various blogs and I found someone listing off... something. I don't remember what.

And, on that list, it said:

-Girls are boring.

I looked at that line, blinked, and found myself in this odd position of agreeing and wondering how much of that agreement was due to actual experience or insecurity born of never fitting in with "the girls". Mocking them because of disliking myself for never living up to their standards, never wearing the right clothes, owning the right purse, doing the right hairstyle, listening to the right bands, etc.

My relationships with women either go perfectly well or are abysmal failures. More the former, these days, as I expand my circles into female groups and try to get over this internal wall, built of insecurities and ignorance.

I'm working on it. It's getting there.

1 comment:

  1. I've taken notice of your fantastic writing. It is alive, direct, yet very descriptive. You say what you need to say with a lot of emotion and few unnecessary words.

    I have a proposition for you. I'm looking to hire someone to write my biography. I think you could have the dynamic, the vividness that would come off well.

    I'd like you to interview me and really get to the essence of my stories. I have a lot more details, but I'm curious as to what your gut tells you so far. I need to know if you could handle writing about someone besides yourself. If that would really excite you.