Monday, July 6, 2009

I'm just your Marlboro...

I think I figured part of it out.

I feel used.

Not horribly used, but enough to feel a bit discarded.

Which is odd, because I'm near famous for not feeling that way, and yet this is the second guy that has done this to me. Ever. And both of them were this year.

And I shouldn't feel used, by my own logic. We both went into it as happily consenting adults. I communicated honestly, meeting my own standards, and accepted his own communication as honest because there was no reason not to (or a reason to accept it, either, but it is much more annoying and frantic to disbelieve than to believe in these situations).

If I hadn't seen him in the morning, I would've been totally fine. Happy, satisfied, still aroused, doing well.

But that thoughtless dismissal cut me to the core.

If we hadn't had sex, I'm guessing he wouldn't have done that. But since we did, he had no further use for my presence and/or he viewed me as less than he because of the normal double standard crap (tag on an "etc" and a "blah blah blah" here, maybe with some "whoop-de-do" finger twirling, to get my tone as I type).

I'm not used to that. Even when I sleep with someone and they are obviously "Whoo, now I can add another notch to my belt" guys, they still are polite, still are friendly. I've never had someone shut me down quite so hard, and it's more than a bit jarring.

So I'm sitting here going, "Really, did you just do that?"

Makes me wonder if I'm a worse judge of character than I initially thought, or if I was that easily led. I'm not sure which I would rather be. Probably the former. I don't like being an easy mark. I also don't like thinking that someone I expressed desire to directly would think they would need to "play" me in order to get me in bed.

And, really, I knew I wouldn't see him again. I know his type. When you have a guy who does some entertainment-based physical activity for a living, someone who knows they're smart, who is used to performing and being at the center of attention, you get the guy you have to play to keep around. They want to perform for you, they want to have to battle for your attention. And once they've won you over, you're applauding for them (or running your tongue down their cock), they may give you an encore and then bow out of your life.

Positives: they're ripped, they're entertaining, they dress well, they carry themselves well, conversations are always interesting, sex is usually pretty good, they're great arm-candy.
Negatives: they really aren't the best listeners, they're easily distracted when other people are around, other people are constantly around, they're not the most reliable beings.

Of course, everyone has positives and negatives. It's just a matter of which ones work for you.

I hope, once I get more rest, I'll get over this. I wonder if every year I'm getting softer, if being with men like GV8 and the others makes me get used to being the "special princess" they love, so when someone treats me as other than that, I'm shocked and out of my element.

But, really, I should only be spending my time with guys that treat me wonderfully.

Or ones that are the usual hot/hung variety so their neligence is surpassed by their body.

Either or. I'm easy to please, or so I'm told.


  1. Sometimes we do stuff like that even when we do like the girl. Sometimes it's an ego thing, and sometimes we're just in a mood. I know that if some of those girls would have just grabbed my arm and said what they had to say, I would have been more than willing to see them again.You should have been more upfront.

  2. Possibly. I just have this thing against making any sort of scene, even a small one, and to do that in a public area is to open the situation into becoming a scene if I'm not careful. Truly, if he was going to treat me like that for whatever reason, he's not worth the words.

  3. Well, you'll never get what you want if you don't go for it. My most fulfilling relationships came about when either I, or the girl, did something that was out of character. Who cares about a small scene if it means finding someone that'll make you happy? And if he was as alpha as you make him out to be, then I doubt he would have made a scene. I think you were focusing on a worst case scenario.