Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Throughout the projects...

Well, I suppose it's that time again.

Possibly not.

I'm feeling frustrated. This happens a couple of times each year, where I know there is something near me, or accessible to me, but I can't quite find it, and I know if I found it I would understand myself or the world more, that it would be like finding a piece of me if only I would let go enough to look.

It's a need to be somewhere, to read something, to listen to a particular CD that I've yet to discover, or a movie that needs to be watched, a person that I need to talk to... but I have no knowledge of these, yet. So close. I know if I stepped out of this office and started wandering, I would find it. I would just keep walking, listening to my instincts, until I found the who or what I'm looking for.

Days like these drive me batty. It becomes a battle between responsibilities and my entire being screaming at me that there's somewhere I need to be, something I need to be doing. It's like I'm being tugged at so strongly, like someone/thing is trying to pull me out of my skin and only succeeding in making me feel like I'm going out of my head.

... ... ... ...

I've been exhausting myself, as per usual. The fight between my body and my mind, my body giving out before my mind with sickness or fatigue. I've given myself bronchitis numerous times, along with more occurances of strep throat in a year than is normal, and managed to create my very own case of mono without coming into contact with anyone who had it. I don't think you're supposed to be able to do that.

Yesterday morning, I went to my college of choice and ran around for hours on a large coffee and small bowl of applesauce and a cookie, trying to take care of registering at a school that has been closed to new registration due to the budget cuts. I was so late to work that I just went straight into the office, digging in my desk for a banana, then a tiny orange, then a hardboiled egg throughout the day, peppered in with a small handful of nuts because I didn't have a chance to go shopping this week. I ended up staying until almost 7PM, trying to take care of everything before it has a chance to build up this weekend, starving with my stomach yelling at me for the amount of caffiene versus the amount of food I had put into it, combined with the adrenaline that was set off due to the last minute running around, attempting to talk to the right people so I can start this coming semester.

If this works, I'll have a teaching credential soon. Yes. Me. Teaching. English.

Just don't show them my disregard for grammar in my blog and we'll be good.

Through the credential program, I'll be able to cover my prereq units to get into the Master's program. If I'm somehow able to figure this out, by the end of this I'll have two AAs, two BAs, a single subject teaching credential, and my Master's. Theoretically. If it does not work out as planned, I'll only have one BA, but have the credits for two and be angrily shaking my fist at the school system.

Assuming, of course, that things go smoothly with the paperwork I submitted yesterday, and that I get all my transcripts in on time. I did get two awesome shots of the new buildings on campus, so I'll be posting those eventually.

Anyhow, enough with that rambling. By the time I got to C's house, I was dead on my feet. The touch of food poisoning the night before did not help. So I skipped kareoke yet again, but was regaled with the news that C and Crosser had some playtime on Monday night.

Score. They were able to develop the friendship/emotional bond both of them needed to sexually interact with each other, which means C's a happy camper, which makes me happy. She really needed this, and I'm glad I was able to offer support and knowledge of options in order to help this occur, though I know the majority of the effort was on her part. She's learning and I'm thrilled.

After making dinner, she and a friend left for kareoke, leaving me half-asleep on her futon, reading a book I snagged from C earlier. I wish I hadn't been so tired. I wish that I ever really had a chance to recover that wasn't me sick in bed or on the couch in the middle of the work week. I try to pace myself, drink lots of water, eat healthy, exercise, sleep at least six hours a night, but it doesn't always seem to cut it.

Tonight, we're going out to dinner with a bunch of people, and a friend of ours who just broke up with his long-time live-in girlfriend last night. I want to go be there for him, to talk to him, hold his hand, cuddle, give the comfort that I can. He's very upset. He loves her, but it wasn't working. I'm tired, but it's just another time I need to coffee up.

This weekend, starting tomorrow, I should just put a caffiene drip on me.

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