Saturday, July 18, 2009

You are just another thing I've yet to fathom

This is one of those 'bleech' moments.

GV8 texted me to see how I was doing. Which is cool because I see no reason not to be friends, so I'm glad that he was comfortable enough to do so.

I text back with news my friend's suicide, and we start talking about emotions, how hard a time I have letting go, how I've only truly let go the tight control I have on my emotions twice (first, when Rick broke up with me, the other during sex with Riot of Tattoos, which continues to be the best sex I've ever had, because he was so rough he completely pushed me over the edge) in the last six years or so.

He basically told me I need to grow my own emotions.

Several people have, in the last two weeks, inferred that I am some sort of robot. I'm getting mildly tired of it.

Interesting to note, was when I did not respond to one of his texts right away, sent sent a "Well, gee, I guess I'll try later, when you are not so busy," text, which is very, very out of character for him. I looked at that and determined that he is more affected by our split than I expected (which I expected him to be completely unaffected by it, honestly).

So, out of nowhere, he starts talking about why we aren't seeing each other anymore.

This, this is something I don't need to discuss. Basically, what is going to happen is that I'm going to fixate on it in my head and blame myself for not being more aware and socially adept enough to notice that I did something to bother him.

The relationship we had is over. We never committed. I don't need to know why we slid apart, I just know that we did. It happens.

But he starts texting me about why he decided we would not work out and I had just finished a crying spree about Bradley's death (I basically walked in the front door of the house and lost it, nearly out of the blue. I'm glad it happened, because I needed to cry, but I pulled myself together before I could truly reach the height of the emotional release that I needed because there were things to do, errands to run, people to help.) and then he started telling me how I, in my view, basically failed him. Failed to observe him. Failed to understand what was important to him and what wold bother him. Failed to be the best I could be for him.

That's how I see it.

Because if I was more aware of how I come across, more aware of other people's needs, more aware of individual quirks, body language, and the subtle clues that word choice gives, I would have noticed that something was wrong.

And I did notice. But I was not aware enough, apparently, or experienced enough, to determine what it was. And I was not so sure he was aware that something was off, so I did not ask him.

And I should have.

I failed. I failed to live up to my own expectations of myself, I failed to be aware of him as a partner.

And, sure, one could say that he failed to communicate to me that something was wrong, that I was doing something that made him uncomfortable.

But I was aware that something was wrong, and I did not act on it. I hoped it would iron itself out, so instead of addressing it directly, I let it slide under.

And I know so much better than that.

I'll put the text messages up here later, when I have more time. Basically, it reads that I was not respecting him. Not in the typical way, either. Apparently, it was not in person that I displeased him, but my actions when he was not around.

I do not know what those actions are yet. We are going to talk about this later this evening, on the phone, because he's busy now and exchanging the amount of information we were, on the topic we were, through text, was annoying and not good.

But, apparently, I did something while he was not that reflected poorly on him.

Which wouldn't matter, if we hadn't been starting to think of a (open) committed relationship. But since things started shifting that way, he took my behavior to be a poor reflection on him.

I still don't know what I did.

I suspect, though I am probably wrong, it was my one-night stand with Mr. Brush-off. Or maybe he found this journal and did not like the way I wrote about him.

...I really don't know. I can't imagine anything else. I just hope that, whatever it is, it does not make me feel terrible about myself, about being the person I am. I think I'm a good person (doesn't everyone?), I think I am considerate of others. I try to always be polite, try to respect other people and their opinions, no matter how foreign to mine they are. I'm there for my family and friends the instant I am needed. I'm rarely late. I have a decent (though certainly not great) job, and I'm pursuing my education and the future I desire. My wardrobe is decent, my body continues to be a work in progress, but there is significantly obvious progress being made.

What could I be doing wrong?

Was it the "sugar daddy" jokes? Hell, he tried to take me clothes shopping and I ended up only letting him buy me two things because I just couldn't reconcile with myself the idea of a man, no matter how rich, buying me so much. I've done nothing to earn it. Sex? Ha, I'd be doing that anyway. Why pay me for doing something I'm quite content doing for free?

Was it the references to his sordid past?

I'll know in the next hour or two.

I just wish it didn't make me feel so bad and doubtful. I know that everything I've listed here will not be it because I was able to think of it. That's the way it works. It's always something I haven't considered, something so left field that doesn't even enter into my vision.

I was okay with it being over. A week later, and I was hardly thinking about it, rarely moping.

And now we're talking about it, something he brought up without stimulation from my end.

Which could mean one of two things:

1. He wants me to know what I did wrong, just to communicate, just to justify to himself what happened.

2. He wants to get back together, in some capacity, and this week of absence is to make me aware of how much I may want him. Then we'll talk, I'll hear what I did wrong, and then I'll be aware of it and adjust my behavior accordingly (assuming it's something I'm willing to adjust, which it should be). And then we'll continue doing whatever, but with no discussion of a future.

Which is okay.

Not the most flattering, but I need to be single anyhow. He was having too much impact on me, and this week has allowed me to see how much. I think I'm going to enforce a "once every two weeks" rule with future guys, just so I do not allow myself to get so time- and mentally-wrapped up in any of them. I need to focus on me.

So we'll see what happens.

Maybe this is a, "Good-bye, I no longer want to be friends" conversation.

Who knows?

I'm sure that, afterwards, I'll be up here again, furiously typing, expelling from my mind all the confusion and emotion I'm experiencing in order to understand it all.

This keyboard... any keyboard... it's really the key to me. I'd be lost without this, this words drain from me like tocins. It lifts me, makes me lighter, reminds me of who I am.

Albert Camus had a great quote on that. If only I could remember where I left the book that contained it.

1 comment:

  1. I think I know pretty much what the answer is.

    I'm reading from bottom to top on your GV8 tag, having done your sex tag, and not skipping to more recent.

    I gave my theory as to why in my first comment here. It's to your July 11 post first talking about his phone call semi breakup. Gonna read the next entry or two before saying more.