Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My head continues to pound. My shoulders are tense, feeding into my neck, feeding into the base of my skull. It has been this way for days. It's hurting my posture, shoving my head forward as I attempt to relieve some of the tension by shifting the weight of my skull, the pull on my muscles.

No dice.

What am I supposed to do?

People are grating. I'm snapping at my coworkers, my dry humor is shifting into barely controllable sarcasm and my boss is starting to notice I'm on edge.

I'm hoping this is PMS. I'm hoping that, in a day or so, I'll wake up and it will be magically departed from me.

My normal activities that I engage in to deal with this are not working. Are not working at all.

I wonder if this is that breaking point I feared I'd reach once the constant socializing from couch-surfing got to me, the constant exposure to people and the social games we play in placating each other.

I don't know what to do. I'm running through options in my head and finding none of that internal unclenching when I hit upon the right one. None of them have been right.

I thought that, maybe this weekend, I'd drive up the coast for a bit, not too far, just Ventura or Camarillo, and spot myself a hotel. Check in and do my best to talk to no one the rest of the weekend.

I've been scrabbling at what alone time I can get, reading books, seeing movies, eating out alone, writing in coffee shops... none of it is working, none of it is helping. Even as I sit, even as I am alone, the tension continues unabated.

I can't be around people when I'm like this. I can't go see GV8 because my edginess will be no good and I know that he will not be able to mentally handle that behavior in me. He won't understand it, and it'll just be another chalkmark on the wall of behaviors that make me "not so good".

Even my usual catch-all locations are no good.

And my fail-safe centering of rough sex, sex that overwhelms me, knocks me out of my head, leaves me full-body sore for days... there's no desire for it. None of that drive towards it.

...I have no sex drive. I didn't realize that until just now. Hm.

Usually that's a sign of depression, but I'm not feeling depressed.

Overwhelmed a bit, yes.

Getting resentful that there are all these things I need to do to but all these people around me are demanding my attention and time and I don't want to give it, but I do give it for fear of alienating or hurting them. I have so much to do, stuff for me and I'm not doing it.

...I might cancel all of my plans for Saturday, save for clubbing in the evening.

I'll feel bad, but I'm going nuts. I can't keep putting off my own crap in order to make other people happy. I'm going to screw something up, bone myself by neglecting the things I have to do.

I need to make a to-do list.

I need to get this done.

I need to spend Saturday in my usual frenzy of productivity, I need to stop thinking about anything else but the things I must take care of. I'm stagnating in important areas because I'm too busy socializing and it's made a hundred times worse because I really don't want to be socializing.

I'm apartment-sitting for a friend this coming week.

I think that will help.

Though Saturday will have to be spent at home, working.

I will tackle this. I will get this done.

1 comment:

  1. sweetie, i hope you feel better. take some time away from your routine to relax, recover, and focus on yourself and your priorities. your friends and commitments will all still be there in a few days or weeks - no need to feel bad about taking some time away.