Tuesday, September 1, 2009

...and we're going for number, what? Four?

Sitting outside, 130PM, sky lit yellow, pavement beneath my feet a sickly cast.

Half a sandwich, a book, and a cell phone in front of me. Hands clasped in front of my face, thumbs against my lips, internal stare. The body knows before the brain, the muscles on the back of my neck sounding an alarm of iron bars, the tension in my jaw telling of how I grind my teeth during times of exhaustion, slouching forward, more pale than usual, hair pulled back.

725AM - Phone goes off
730AM - Out the door
735AM - Getting coffee
750AM - Walking into the office
1030AM - Phone call for funeral scheduling
120PM - Leave the office
125PM - On the phone with my father
135PM - Ordering food
155PM - Return to office
500PM - Leave office
505PM - Call C
645PM - Finish commute to campus
700PM - Class begins
800PM - Break, another phone call
815PM - Back to class
1000PM - Class ends
1030PM - Finish commute to home
1040PM - Laundry while eating left-overs
1100PM - Shower
1115PM - Evaluate stress level versus exhaustion level, write if stress is higher than exhaustion, if exhaustion is higher, watch a movie.
1130PM - Move laundry into dryer
1135PM - Crawl into bed and stare at the sliver of light between the window frame and the curtain.
1200AM - Sleep
630AM - Rise and repeat

... ... ... ...

I had a moment of untangling.

Yes, I sit and think too much.

I was worrying that, if GV8 did not have the history he does, that I would not find him attractive. That I was more attracted to the experiences than the man. That I was being overly irrational in my desire for him, basing it on things that happened as opposed to who he is now.

But then, after stewing, I realized that the things that he did... those were lifetime choices, a lifestyle he lived for a couple of decades. That's not something you get thrown into, it's something you choose, something he seemed to be ridiculously successful at and enjoyed. His personality made those experiences, caused him to make the choices he did, not the reverse.

Yes, I do find his history insanely attractive.

But because it shows me who he is, because it shows me his measure. It shows me how willing he is to get the job done, how focused on survival he is, and how intelligent he is to have done what he did for so long before getting caught.

Those are things I value when it comes to my partners. Not parenting skills, not moral upbringing, not spirituality, not looks, not humor. I need strength, I need survival and intelligence, I need aggression and a sexual understanding that runs deep due to experience.

Yes, if I found out that he was poor at his lifestyle, if his performance was subpar, it would cause me to view him as less desirable because we find success desirable. We find good performance desirable.

No one wants to be with a failure.

He is... perfect, really. For the set up. Reformed, but still has that edge, still has that ability to shift into that mindset, and the years and years behind him backing him with self-knowledge.


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