Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Set my sights too high...

Last night I found myself signing up on a recommended BDSM personals site.

I uploaded pictures, then went to filling out my profile, and I realized that it was incredibly likely that this would, eventually, get back to GV8. He has too many friends in the fetish scene.

And it would not be as though I was cheating. We're not in a committed relationship, we see other people.

But I knew it would not go particularly well for me. That he would take that as a indicator of a lack of true interest, as opposed to what it is: me trying to get some stress relief and trying to pull away from him because I'm falling much too fast, much too hard, and I need to slow that descent.

I need a distraction from him.

It also felt bad. It felt wrong.

And this annoys me. I felt guilty about signing up.

So I stopped. I pulled the pictures, emptied the profile. It's there if I want it later down the line.

... ... ... ...

I went to an ex-lover's wedding on Sunday.

I met him when I was 20, he was 28.

Both of us had been significantly damaged by our most recently ended relationship, but in compatible ways.

He ended up with body and sex issues. He hated the way he looked, the way he felt, he was uncomfortable with his performance in bed.

I ended up feeling worthless. I could not find myself desirable, I could not see myself as ever worthy of another partner, that anyone would have interest in me. I was angry, I was low. I could not imagine a decent man ever wanting me.

We slowly fixed each other through that spring and summer. He doted on me as a good friend would, made me see the value in who I was. I worshipped his body, taught him how to enjoy sex again.

Then I met Rick and that lover and I parted ways on a sexual level, remaining friends.

He moved to Arizona, moved to Oregon, and then finally back to California. We did not talk much.

For my 21st birthday, though, I invited him and one of my other old lovers to my birthday party. It was a moment I'll never forget. Rick, my boyfriend at the time, and two of my favorite partners over the years, sitting in my bedroom, waiting for everyone to be ready to go to dinner, and talking. Joking. The three men who had the most impact on my life at the time (and still, I believe), with me.

It was one of my favorite birthdays.

So I received a call late last year, this lover, informing me that he was getting married and needed my address to send the announcement. A week or so later, it came.

I had never met her, but I was happy for him.

Then the wedding came.

I showed up, dressed in my favorite ensemble, and hugged him, was introduced to his groomsmen, his friends, and we made small talk until the ceremony was about to begin.

Them scattering to their positions, I sat down in the third aisle and waited.

The groomsmen and his mom, then my ex, then the bridesmaids and her father, and then her, the girl I had yet to meet.

She stepped through the doors, smiling so widely, and even though she was across the room from me, I could see the liquid shine in her eyes.

As she approached, tears began running down my face.

My relief, my thankfulness, my happiness that this man who had been so wrecked, who had helped me so much, found a woman whose happiness to be with him resulted in joyful tears during the entire ceremony.

I could not ask for more.


  1. What a beautiful story about your ex-lover. It's a powerful reminder to focus on the process in relationships: that regardless of whether you end up together, the real test of a strong relationship is whether you have changed each other for the better.

  2. not a lot of people can let go in the wholehearted manner in which you have.

  3. That Kind of Girl,

    I'm much of the philosophy that if you love someone, you should always wish for their happiness, whether or not that happiness includes you. And I agree completely with what you said. While I was never in love with him, what we did for each other was more than what we could have accomplished if we had been in love.


    I loved him as a friend only. I try not to take lovers that I would fall head over heels for. I'm usually successful. But, yes, even with those ex-boyfriends that I have loved, I am glad when they find someone else that makes them happy.

  4. Lovely post; its a wonderful thing to be genuinely happy for an ex.