Thursday, October 29, 2009

I wasn't going to write today because I have so much work to take care of before I leave the office, but two things happened that struck me as somewhat odd.

The first was, in the middle of lunch with my coworkers, the very first man I ever dated, the first man I ever had sex with, called.

Alpha, you know.

Not alpha male, but alpha as in the first, the original, the start.

He was out and about and thought he saw me on the street, was calling to see if it was, in fact, me.

We're still friends, we just don't talk often. There's the geographic distance between us, as well as the space that comes with me growing past him. We can still connect, we can still have fun, talk, go out and enjoy ourselves. We still have mutual friends.

But it's just... I'm mostly indifferent.

He was my case of requieted puppy love. We both moved on.

Well, we moved on, then he came back and was like "'Sup, baby?" and I was like "Er... no, I'm good. Thanks though."

He didn't actually say "'Sup, baby?". I'd never remain friends with a guy who talked like that, no matter how good he was in bed.

So we talked briefly and then I went back to join the herd at the trough.

Wrapped up lunch, was at my desk for all of twenty minutes, and my phone rings again.

And, of all people, it's Rick. The man who temporarily broke me, pre-Darkeyes. You know, The Ex. The reason why I haven't been able to open up and relax with a man completely, emotionally severed, for the time being.

So I've got the physical Alpha and the emotional Omega calling me within a span of an hour of each other.

I'm expecting the Ghost of Christmas Present to show up sometime before six.

Hopping on a plane in exactly nine hours, iPod is loaded with the music I determined would be best for this trip, my backpack is ready to go.

I wonder if this is going to be soon, this feeling of impending collision. It feels like something is going to happen and it's building, an escalation of unrelated events timed to unite in that one moment... though if that moment is beneficial or harmful, I am not one to guess.

And maybe it's all in my head. It's felt for so long like something is careening my way, perhaps someone else's destiny coming to sideswipe my flank. Images of beads sliding along abacus strings, clicking, adding, come to mind often. Foreboding and rich.

This life is what you make of it.
If it does not suit you, leap.
What you are at any moment is what you have become.
And when you look back, will you see a series of mirrored images, strings of paperdolls, or something old and near-unrecognizable?


  1. Christian male teacher.October 29, 2009 at 11:15 PM

    I think GV8 is just using you as a sex toy coz you are young and nubile. Successful older men are usually like that, ie their field of choice to sow their wild oats become wider as they grow older. Why can't he date girls his age ? Remember Anna Nicole Smith ? She was in it for the money, whereas you are in it for love.
    . . . . . . . Of course he is nice and protective over you, coz otherwise you would dump him. But if he intends to dump you, he won't be so nice. It's like salesman talk and behaviour. Most boys wanna piece of you.
    . . . . . Just an opinion. This is my final post. I'm like, teach and run. Time will tell.

  2. Don't worry about it until it happens. Otherwise you are no better than the ghosts of boyfriends past - and we already know that you are much better.

  3. You got yourself into the mess. I am more than sure you will find a way out.

  4. Mysterg,
    I'm not worried. More curious than anything.

    I never felt as though I was in any sort of mess, but I appreciate your faith in my abilities to get my head in order.