In bed, I crawled up his body, tongue sliding from groin to neck, lips coming to meet one of his ears while bodies writhe together.

He laughs and calls me his alpha sub, which causes me to pause his pleasure and look at him, head tilted to one side questioningly, "What?"

"You're my alpha sub," he repeats, which earns him another head tilt, "You're an alpha... and a sub."

I do not consider myself an alpha. I tend to step outside social groups and live the life of the roaming outlier.

But I do know that I am submissive, and that personality trait manifests itself strongly, enough so I have to be aware of it and control it to the best of my ability.

I managed to prevent myself from submitting to a man for over a year, though I had a few lovers and a couple one night stands, and then I hit GV8, much like running into a wall.

It amuses me so much, the thing that I have been told would ruin me, that would supposedly make no man want me as a committed partner, is what makes me desirable as a committed partner to him.

High partner count. Lots of experience.

Pleasing him because I'm wonderful in bed because of years of experience that would mark me to the socially/sexually inexperienced as uncontrolled and untrustworthy. That the only reason that he did not do a one or two night stand with me was because I knew what I was doing.

Because he learned that eighteen year olds might be young and hot, but they can't give head to save their lives, not to mention simply have sex.

Because women in their twenties aren't much better.

But I am.

We work towards partnership, towards that relationship. And maybe it will not work out in the end.

A twenty year gap in age, and I'm with a successful man, a man who is amazing in bed and happily works with me to get me up to speed. A man who has done so many things in life that I cannot help but know he would protect me at all costs.

Which is what I ask for.

I put in the time. I created who I am now, and I'm no where near done. I pushed boundaries, took the time to learn how to please, how to fuck, educated myself in life with books, with school, with people. Pushing myself to be the best I could be, which is still yet to come, so I could be with who I considered the best. To my own standards, my own values, which tend to befuddle so many others until I take the time to explain them.

I keep a wide view, a large scattering of social groups, a variety of music, books, movies, shows, experiences, so I can be the best I can be. So I can connect with others. So I can expand how I see the world and know all my opinions.

It truly tickles me how this worked out. I'm with a man I can actually respect, who I actually feel safe with, which means I can submit to him. And I would not have been able to do this with him if I had not pursued the path I had.

We're coming up on six months soon, six months of playing and never losing that excitment, that edge we seem to keep on what we are doing. Anxiety, amazing sex, nights out on the town, pleasing each other. No dullness.

I never expected this.

I was in the shower, maybe a night or two ago, I don't remember, and I thought to myself that I might actually love someone again. That I never imagined those words passing my lips once more. That my standards and expectations had grown too high and I was much too out there for most men to handle, for most to understand. I assumed that I would be alone, which I was mostly okay with. It's not like I'm ever actually truly alone, what with the various men whose company I kept for various lengths of time.

But I never expected to have a partner again. I never expected to meet someone I could respect.

Maybe I speak too soon, maybe this will all blow up in my face in a week, in a month, in an hour. But right now, the possibility is there and I find that startling.

And I love how this post didn't even address what I wanted it to. C'est la vie.