Friday, October 9, 2009

Nineteen oh one...

Hit another wall.

No, not in my car. I'm not prone to ramming inanimate objects with my vehicle.

I want to write, I want to think with the keyboard and have the discussions that are featured here with myself, but something seems to be causing a sort of muffled internal monologue that isn't translating well to actually figuring out what is going on.

Called GV8 three times yesterday, once on my way into work, once on my way home from work, and once right after the second one because I had to check something.

We just talked. Just... conversation. Surface, trival stuff. I had been worried previously that we would not be able to do that, just talk about the most commonplace stuff. You know "conversation". Talking for the sake of talking, for the company of the person on the other end of the phone. Talking without purpose, without trying to communicate information about yourself to the other.

And we did it for awhile.

He also, without realizing it, addressed my general hatred of the beta-boy routine he goes into in most social situations. We were talking about... gods, I don't know. And he mentioned the act he puts on for people, how he shifts gears in social situations in order to make other people comfortable because they would not be comfortable with him acting himself.

I had not realized that's why he did it.

And I was mildly unsure if he knew that he did, indeed, do it.

It still bothers me, I will admit. It likely will for awhile. First, I don't find it attractive. Second, if I'm to be dating a man who is nearly two decades older than me, and he acts, in public like something everyone knows I would never find attractive, it's going to look like I'm after him for his money. And the people who actually know me, who know that I don't care overmuch about the money, are going to wonder why I'm with someone so different than my usual type. I like representing myself well, being represented well by my partner selection, being proud to be with them.

And I am proud... ah, am I proud? Shoot. Well, my brain just came to a screeching, discordant halt.

When he's being himself, when he's truly opening up to me, when he's revealing all those pieces of himself he hides even when we're alone together, I am thrilled, I am happy, to be with him. Proud? I'm not much one for being proud to be with another person.

But those other times, when he's doing the song and dance, I continue to cringe, wishing that man I know that he seems so often to hide from others in so many different ways, would be with me all the time. I want to feel like we're running alongside each other, a complimentary team.

We're seeing each other on Sunday. I've decided to take tonight and tomorrow to catch up on needed sleep, on homework, on bookwork, on organizing life-stuff. I was hoping to spend more time with him this weekend, but his complaint that I am always tired (accurate) means that I need to sacrifice quantity of time with quality of time.

So I get an afternoon.


I invited him to meet my parents, you know. Saturday, we're going to a little festival and his complaint that I hide him from them (accurate) caused me to speak to them about inviting him to it. And they were actually okay with that. It was the last thing I was expecting, especially since when both of them discovered our age gap, both separately lectured me about how he was too old for me and what the hell was I thinking?

But he turned me down. Said that with everything going on between us, not certain of where we are going, it probably wasn't the best idea.

True. But... I tried.

I feel like a little girl, scrabbling about for a solution.

I'm trying to do this right.

And maybe I should just give up. This isn't the best time for this, and I can't afford the emotional distraction from this in my work or education.

But how much am I supposed to let pass me by?

Just because it's inconvenient? Just because I'm incredibly insecure about so many things and this could just make it worse? So it's easier to run away than to risk being rejected for who I am instead of who I thought he wanted me to be or, rather, what I thought would cause him to want me, to want me to stick around, to want more from me than casual sex?

Fear is a big motivator.

Not just for me.

Fear of being hurt. Fear that every horrible thing you've ever thought about yourself might be true. Fear that every self-doubt was truly self-knowledge disguised with the light of hope or just blind ignorance. Fear that every insult that has been tossed your way was correct. Fear that you're unlovable, that you're unforgivable, that you're horrible, that everything you ever will attempt will fail.

It's easier to hide, easier to not try and rationalize it in a way that you can accept and that you can convince others to accept. If you're good, and most of us are, you can do it so smoothly you don't realize that you're even covering these thoughts up. You live a rationalized reality.

Personally, I'm terrified.

I'd like to say that I'm only afraid but, really, that would just be me trying to convince myself that this bone-vibrating fear isn't as bad as I would wish it to be. That I would, like most things in my life, dissociate myself from the emotion to the point where the experience is simply an echo of what I do not allow myself to feel.

But part of this, part of all of this, is acknowledging.

It's about digging up the mounds of earth that I have buried all my fears and hurts in and examining the fossils that shape the landscape of the person I am now.

Maybe it won't do any good.

I mean, I've been doing this for years. I have writing scattered across the internet, essays and blogs floating around for the last decade. And people always tell me how self-aware I am, how in tune with myself I am, how courageous or honest, brutal and revealing, how knowledgable, mature, whatever.

It doesn't feel like that to me.

I know that, compared to the average person, I do examine myself thoroughly. I try to be aware of myself as much as I can, but I certainly fail more often than not.

I mean, it should be fairly obvious to even the most unaware person that if you are dating one person, hoping for more, and you continue to see other people, that shows you have a lack of true interest in that one particular person.

You think that would be obvious.

But here I was thinking that it would make him want me more, that I would be more of a chase, because so damn many PUA men online have said that I'm a horrible slut, horrible human being, I need to become a born-again virgin because no decent man will have me now, it's far too late, but maybe I could settle for a lower middle-class beta loser and become a chubby soccer mom getting her stubby toes polished by a Vietnamese woman on the weekends.

So I play hard to get.
So I say, sure, men find me desirable, and I'm going to continue to enjoy myself with them and that will illustrate that GV8 better get a move on if he wants me because others want me too.

And what's funny is that, this year, I've had sex with five (5!) men, two of them being hold-overs from last year (Hardwood Floors and SFPlayboy), one of them was a crappy one-night stand (Dose), a not-so-crappy one-night stand (Mr. Brush-off), and GV8. Mr. Brush-off was the only man I've had sex with since I met GV8. I have not had the inclination or the true interest to pursue anyone further.

Anyway, I think that was more of a sidetrack than anything.

GV8 still wants me, at least in some capacity, after all of this. After me acting like someone else entirely, someone I wanted to be, but not someone who I was.

And I did learn. I learned how to be stronger, how to hold back, how to not rush into things. These were things I had never been able to conquer before, but I did so with him and I'm proud of myself, in my own way, for being able to do so.

I faced a fear. I faced an insecurity.

And I tackled it, drove it to the ground. It wasn't the smoothest, at least on an emotional level, but I did force myself to face my anxieties.

Now I have to learn how to let go.

Even if GV8 is not the man for me, even if he rejects me, I need to learn how to do this, and I need to learn how to accept this complete rejection.

Because I know I will never be happy, never have that security or sense of self I desire, if I do not learn how to let go. If I never learn to have faith in myself.

I am much better than the girl I used to be, but it is going to take a lot of work to become the woman I know I have in me.


  1. Poetry—

    Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to you after I said I would yesterday. Busy boy here.

    Your talking with him in depth and at length obviously went pretty well, though it hasn’t resolved everything. You give much more flesh here to his “beta behaviors” when with others socially than you have before, but I’m still not getting the picture clearly. His explanation to you doesn’t quite ring true; or if true, he’s settled into a bad way of toning down his alpha aggression in certain social situations. It seems like he has plenty of drive and aggressiveness. Men don’t need to give up aggressive leadership in order to reassure others. Basically the way to do it is to be supportive of others from a subtly superior position you’re coming from. What’s really going through my head here though Poetry is whether you’re thinking he’s more alpha than he really is. You’ve put out some contradictory things about that. Mostly he does seem like a strong aggressive successful bad boy who doesn’t just play acting that with girls who will buy it; but this latest makes me wonder. While you reveal much you also hide much and I’m not talking about identifying stuff either.

    Ok, dealing with that new info in this post out of the way, mostly as a question mark, the following are the things I’ve had in mind saying, after catching up on your GV8 posts, albeit with some skimming and always fast reading so far. (Busy boy.) I do think I get the situation basically, or I wouldn’t try to offer advice.

    You’re not wrong that you need to seem a bit hard to get to him, but you’re overestimating that I think. A lot of his emotional aloofness is that he’s determined to now fall seriously for you in advance of your stronger feelings for him. He’s completely right about that with you (and most women), but we’re talking you here. You’d lose interest in him if he did. You think though that he too will lose interest in you if you do. About that you’re wrong. OR you’re wrong if there’s ever any hope that he’ll really bond with you. You’re wrong about the best way of finding out.

    Also, seeing if this guy, who makes you feel protected, who can take care of you, who’s apparently great sexually with you, who’s showing signs of caring a lot about you and wanting a deeper or maybe very deep relationship with you, is the most interesting thing by far that you’ve got going now, people wise. All this girl power pulling of guys and slut exploration or whatever, or for that matter this “holly whore” or “instructress” thing you like too that you describe with one CalTech guy within in a post w/in the last month – that’s SO secondary in importance to you really, seems to me. Been there done that.

    I have no idea if this guy is right for you. 20 years older is my idea of the outer limits where girls can AT ALL often feel real and enduring sexual passion for an older man as opposed to feeling it’s a good “arrangement”. But he’s a bit to the good side of that and does excite you. Maybe he’s not good looking enough for you as you mentioned as an issue or consideration previously. But naaah. (You’re not a 10 or a 9 yourself and you aren’t going to stay 25 either, among other things.) I think it’s really the sometimes beta behaviors with third parties that bothers you basically, but leave that aside for now. Not forever, that’s key. For now. What bothers you most of all is the fear of having your heart broken.

    Well suck it up. It’s risk taking time. Really.


  2. (con’t)
    Btw, he’s completely right and you’re completely wrong, about your needing to make more time for him. Not taking it away from school or necessary work, but he specifically and clearly isn’t asking for that, even if that’s sometimes how you resolve things. From you other socializing without him obviously. No you can’t have everything and you do have to allocate your time. What was with your leaving him to “not flake” on that date with a guy you’d already decided wasn’t attractive to you, when he’d been complaining about your not making enough time for him? Bad decision. You clearly should have flaked.

    He already knows you can pick up other guys and don’t have a socially conservative etc. problem of doing it (to say the least). It’s not attracting him to keep doing that and flexing those muscles. You sometimes confuse yourself in this area because he likes threesomes of both kinds and swinger sex and so on. As I’ve told you before, he’s shown clear signs that he REALLY doesn’t like it when you do sex with others entirely independent of his approval (which he wrongly has categorized as playing games on others, that’s not his real problem as I’ve said). It feels ENTIRELY different to a man when a girl that he’s feel is or is becoming his girl has sex with guys he picks out or wants her to, pushing her boundaries some perhaps, and when she does it whether he likes it or not and especially when his friends are likely to hear of it or see it. The former is or has a swinging or even pimp/whore D/s feel to it. The later has a cuckold / male submissive feel to it. Huge diff. All of this is very alt sex of course but you’re an alt sex girl and he’s an alt sex guy.

    The bottom line is it’s time to be a one man girl for awhile. It’s time to spend less time with others and more with him. It’s time to see if your feelings for him do expand and deepen, if he can do it for you. You might play with others again. Just not now. This is relationship deepening and exploring time – or realizing that it won’t work. (And actually I’m not saying to not do the threeway with SF necessarily if GV8 truly is comfortable with it. I’d ask you there to consider which guy is likely to seem more dominant or if it really would be exactly even, and roll that around in your mind a bit.)

    The other thing to full explore now are these beta behaviors of his. I’d like to know more about that actually. Here or privately, whichever. Sometimes guys do the wrong thing because the BELIEVE wrong messages, even when they’re naturally pretty alpha bad asses.

    Well I don’t have time to edit this which means it’s probably a mess, but I’m sending it anyway since it’s already been too long.

  3. Ah, sweetie. talk to him - set aside some non-wild-sex time and have a real conversation about where you're going, where you both want the relationship to go. not small talk on the phone. don't let your fears or insecurities prevent you from going there - you owe it to yourself. more later... hang in there.

  4. be honest. With yourself, then him.

  5. I'm starting to get irritated again Poetry.

    If you want my commenting, which you emailed me to solicit, you're gonna have to do better than this.

  6. I wish you wouldn't get so irritated. I value your comments, and this last set was immensely helpful. I read it repeatedly and adjusted my behavior accordingly.

    But I'm not a social creature, even on here, as much as my activities dictate otherwise. My schedule leaves me slammed and exhausted, recent holidays (not US holidays- most of my work is based overseas) have shifted the work flow in the office, which is where I write the most, and have left me scrambling to find time to write, which I do whether I feel the need or not.

    I know it's bad of my not to respond when you put so much effort and thought into your comments, but sometimes I don't want to interact with others.

    As to what you said, I shut down budding male friends, let it be known that I was in some sort of closed relationship and they needed to let me be, and started restructing my schedule.

    The instructress bit is something I'm sick of, something I try not to engage in unless I see something truly physically desirable. But it is old news, something I would care less if I never did it again.

    The beta behaviors, I did shove them to the back of my mind. He only engages in them with people who may be uncomfortable by who he is. I can ignore them for now, what until we get to where I want us to be. I don't know exactly what you would want to know about the behaviors, though.

  7. Fair enough.

    Sounds like you're on a good track now to fully explore this thing with him.