Monday, October 26, 2009

"You all die at fifteen," said Diderot...

Side thought, over lunch.

It's that insecurity. Self-doubt. The idea of being "enough" for another person. That if this one person you hold in such high regard has no desire for you or a waning interest that you cannot seem to ignite again, then you are not "enough". That you are lacking, somehow, on a fundamental level of desirability.

Wobbly legs searching for that emotional splint from another person, instead of steadying their own gait.

I am more than that.
I am more than this.

He is wonderful.
He is amazing.
He shows me a world that I've dreamed of, lusted after for so long.

But he is not what makes me desirable.
His need or lack thereof, is not what gives or takes away my value.

Unless I let him. Unless I am so insecure in myself, so doubtful in my abilities and desirability that I give him the power to make or break me.

And by simply giving him that power, I am creating and naming my own downfall.

Without him, I am not without value.

It is not through his eyes that the rest of the world decides whether or not I have worth.

And if he leaves me, my life, my goals, do not also desert me.

If he pulls away, it is not through my own failings, even if I do not wish his departure, but through a mismatch of desires and personality, and a recognition that his needs are to be met elsewhere.

Not because I am less, not because I am not "enough", but because we are separate people, with separate issues and needs. One person cannot completely satisfy another, and that is not a failing, only a reality.

No matter how much I please him, how attractive he finds me, how much chemistry we have in bed, or how well our minds mesh, it does not mean that we match.

Or that any two people match on a more spiritual, destined level, the one poets write of while the rest of us fantasize.

I need to be able to recognize my own value. I need to have faith in myself. The faith that he has in himself, knowing he will succeed or he will make the best he can with his failure or shortcoming. I need to be strong and recognize that while I am not perfect, while I will never be perfect, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I am more than capable in bed, and I am a good partner and friend to those that are in my life. I am kind, compassionate, a little too empathic at times, and dedicated to my family. I am a person people talk to, sometimes a giver of peace, lacking that all too present judgment we find in so many. I'm a listener, a helper, someone willing to be your go-to. In relationships, I am behind my partner completely, giving everything I can, honest, communicative, focusing on respect, observing small details and doing everything I can to please and help, to be a good partner, to make the best of what we have.

So if I wear thin on GV8, if I can no longer satisfy him on an emotional or sexual level, it is not anything that I am lacking. Or anything that he is lacking. Things happen, time causes change, causes realizations as events happen that open up the hidden passages in our brains that reveal damage, reveal core needs that we never were able to articulate out of our subconscious.

There is no failure, there is no "not enough".

To commit, to love without question of return, to accept and have the strength of self-faith not to shatter or destruct at unknowing injuries, to give without asking or demanding, this is that internal strength I search for.

I'm getting closer.

Identifying who I need to be.


  1. Sistasage and I have had conversations about this. Mostly because we love each other but we both also love our solitude. When two lone wolves come together, it doesn't take long for the cave to feel crowded--and then feel unsure what it means when you're with someone you love and still want to be by yourself.

    Keeps things interesting.


  2. Fascinating and empowering. It's hard to find such insight and honesty in the blogosphere.

  3. Dan, I think that's what duplexes are for. I see things are remaining interesting for you, though...

    Mr. Apron, thank you. I do what I can to spice up the internet. Which is very little... but I'll keep my delusions.

  4. Lovely. More girls need to be encouraged to follow a train of thought like this.