Tuesday, October 6, 2009

You're holding back everything inside you...

"You can't tell him everything. Instead you tell the deepest parts of what is on your mind to a blog.

"That's the problem."

Reading that comment from Hope sent my stomach plummeting into that pit of the things I block from myself and spend days, weeks, months, years trying to shift the rubble to get at the structures beneath.

Though it has been an hour since I read that, the sick, anxious feeling remains.

For the knowledge has been given to me and I have to act, because that's who I am. I can never let things lie and gloss over, not like that. The guilt over the knowledge grows, the anger at the self for not having the courage for dealing directly with the problem, until finally I move because the internal roilings are too much to bear.

GV8 does not disclose, and the one time I did open up to him, when we were on an emotional-outs and discussing that situation, it went poorly.

He apologized later, but his rejection of my fears, concerns, and self-doubts lingered.

I feel that if I open to him again, if I let him see all of the anxiety and doubt in me, he will once more reject me. It makes me feel like a child.

But, with our age gap, that's not overly surprising.

I am a child in relation to him.

He doesn't like weakness, he dislikes women with self-esteem issues. Personally, I think 99.9% of women have self-esteem issues, but that's me.

I just remember coming back to my room, leaning back in my oversized office chair, phone pressed to my ear, barbeque going on downstairs that I could not get involved with on more than a surface level because of the rollercoaster GV8 was putting my emotions through. I was tired, I was stressed, I was beyond anxious, as we had to "schedule" this talk around his work, so I knew it was coming and it built up into a beast stomping around my brain.

I do not remember what he said that unleashed my torrent. Something about pick-up, probably. Something about how people that study the art of seduction, that enjoy picking up others, have self-esteem issues and are just trying to validate themselves and are acting false. Something something something. I don't remember.

I know I wrote a blog on it some months ago.

And then I just unloaded my thoughts on him. The fears, how I view myself within the social spectrum, my distaste with my body, the damage that has been done, the overarching self-doubt that spreads itself through my being, the enjoyment I take in one-night stands because you can make your single-serving partner whoever you want them to be.

You can be with someone who truly understands you.

And you can maintain this illusion as long as you don't spend more time with them than that night.

Because the rush of meeting someone new, someone you click with, is better than the reality of dealing with yet another failed connection that is revealed with time.

He told me I was sick.

I suppose, in a way, in this way, I am sick.

I've come to that point where I know, for the most part, what I am doing, my motivations behind my behaviors, and I engage in them anyway.

I'm not stopping those behaviors.

Just refining them and making them more selective.

Because no harm is being done. It's living in a temporary fantasy, one that you can carry with you, glowing, for months, sometimes years.

Because no person can truly understand another person, and understanding is what I seek. That there is no bridge between you and another. Soul harmony.

He called me sick and it wounded me.

And even though he apologized for it later, that wound did not heal.

I just let time hide it from me, waves drawing it into the sea of my subconscious.

That undertow protects us from ourselves while, at the same time, tainting us and our interactions with others.

So here I am.

Frightened, terrified that when I talk to him about this, he'll wound me once more. That my instinctive knowledge that it's so very likely I will not be able to move past this without some sort of miracle, that I have started binding myself to a man who will not want these parts of me.

Who will create more of these parts, these fears, rejections, withdrawals, and continued knowledge that I am quite alone.

Talking to a tiny bit of space in a vast internet because I cannot face that I have no one to talk to in life, because there are pieces of me I am unwilling to reveal to even my closest friends.

I've become what I've preached for so long against: another person creating false relationships with others because they cannot deal with the thought of true rejection.

Good job.


  1. Awww, this is so sad! Don't get so down on yourself POF. We care about you!

    I know you might not want to hear this, but it doesn't sound like it is going to work out with GV8. If he doesn't love you for who you are, then you will only get hurt in the end. If I were you, I'd look for an emotional relationship elsewhere.

    You don't deserve to be with someone telling you you are sick. I'm sure there are many other wonderful things about you that he loves. You should find someone that loves you for EVERYTHING that you are, not just a few things that please them. I'm sure you'll find that guy eventually.

  2. You're being true to your volition, and that's noble. I can't offer much other than to say that where some people would cower or hesitate, you seem to move forward not only not doubting, but comprehending and embracing your position. That takes courage. That's the definition of courage.

  3. "Personally, I think 99.9% of women have self-esteem issues"

    Make that 100% of humans.

    I am sorry have brought this painful revelation to you, but perhaps it was for the best.

    I am sorry that you cannot talk to him without being judged. He might be old enough in age, but he does not strike me as emotionally mature enough to handle you.

    From your writings, you sound like you have a lot of self-discipline. So you can control yourself to stay with a man who cannot handle feminine emotionality. You keep your torrent of emotions under a tightly wrapped coil.

    The roots of this is within you, too. You have self-doubts and pains that cloud your love for yourself. You allowed this man to, if not overtly then subtly, erode your self-respect.

    I've been there. I did not know how to love because I did not love myself. My relationship with my ex-husband was dysfunctional. I could only talk to other people about my relationship issues.

    You're still (whether you admit it or not) looking for a soulmate, and you are not able to find him. So you take substitutes. This is unhealthy. Your body might be satisfied by the earthly pleasures, but your soul is crying out in loneliness and despair.

    Heal your soul.

  4. Wow.

    Don't beat yourself up over a blog comment.

    Not to question Hope's Wisdom of the East (TM), but I thought you were being wise by being cautious with him, taking the measure of the relationship carefully, and letting things develop at their own natural pace. This is a complex guy, who keeps the world and people in his life at a certain distance because of his unique past. Why push him outside his comfort zone?

    How about this: instead of you opening up to him, sharing your concerns, hopes, fears, etc., get him to open up to you. Be the person he can talk to about those things in his own life, including the relationship. Once you do that, a new level of intimacy will be built and your bond will be more solid. Not rocket science, right? You're clearly good at that role with other men.

    Also, baring your soul to the Internet isn't as weird as it seems. This is a diary, a journal, a literary form that is well known and that girls have been penning for centuries. Opening it to the world just allows for feedback - and shows a certain amount of both exhibitionism and courage. What is lost in privacy is gained in wisdom through the magic of Web 2.0.

    Finally: "Heal your soul"? Sorry, Hope, but who the hell do you think you are? Are you a shrink or a priest? No? Then how about you let our girl take care of herself. She's good at it, in case you hadn't noticed. Her life -- and soul -- appear to be in decent shape, despite some youthful damage. She's trying to figure out a new relationship, going back to school, juggling social demands, etc. Not "crying out in loneliness and despair" at all. Are we reading the same blog? Or are you projecting yourself and your own values onto it? Show a little more common sense, please.

    Happy Birthday, doll - many happy returns. Keep on keepin' on.

  5. "He doesn't like weakness, he dislikes women with self-esteem issues."

    Then he dislikes women. Or...more accurately, he likes women who skillfully hide their self-esteem issues so he doesn't have to deal with them.

    The need to be understood is a basic emotional need. This man, while he can play you sexually like a prized violin, and triggers your emotional attraction with his odd, secretive dance...he is not making it safe for you to share you. Maybe he's willing to learn how to do that, or maybe he will despise you for it.

    But don't blame yourself for responding to his lack of tolerance by being more careful about sharing things. It's a normal, *healthy* reaction to someone who hurt us. Further, you're aware that you're doing it, which puts you ahead of 99.9% of those self-esteem women.

  6. Aldonza hit the nail on the head by saying he likes women that semi-skillfully hide that self-esteem issue that is nearly omnipresent in women and even men if they're being honest. its easy to point the finger at women b/c they hide it less well/society less expects them to. one could easily suggest that all men in the gym, working jobs they hate, trying to be successful, whatever, have esteem issues as well. but then, shining the light of introspection on oneself is problematic and a messy endeavor.

  7. Maurice, I relate to her words on a different level than you do. I do not read her writing and think "she needs help." I had written what I did because I recognized some of my own past in her. She can help herself, but she must first awaken to some truths.

    I apologize for my unsolicited advice. I'm not a "shrink" or a "priest," but I feel her. I know she's good at taking care of herself on a physical level, but she still feels lonely on a soul level. You are reading this and likely thinking "what a wacko talking this rubbish about souls," but that's fine by me.

    I don't expect that you -- or she for that matter -- understand my spiritual beliefs. This is because we are on different wavelengths. I'm not trying to preach, although I might have come across that way.

    You have judged me, just like Poetry feels often judged for her differences from what is "normal." I do not completely understand her either, but I have a feeling she wants to be understood.

    I talk about everything with my fiance. I have conversations with him that I could never have with others, that I could never write about in my blog. With a great deal of censoring I may be able to write about my spiritual beliefs, but I am doubtful.

    Having that someone who understands, who accepts, who connects with me on a fundamental level... it is so beautiful. Having it, I know why she seeks it.

  8. "How about this: instead of you opening up to him, sharing your concerns, hopes, fears, etc., get him to open up to you. Be the person he can talk to about those things in his own life, including the relationship."

    The problem with this advice is that it reminds me of a line from Dangerous Liaisons: "It's easy enough getting them to do what they want to do. It's getting them to do what YOU want them to that's tricky."

    We can't control other people. We can only control ourselves...and even then sometimes we fall short.

    I've found it's a problem in a lot of relationships, including some of my own, where we want the other person to open up. We also want to them to open up to us.

    But we don't want to go first, because it's scary and vulnerable.

    But sometimes that's exactly what we need to do...take that step and see what happens. We do that, and we get our answers.

    We just have to be willing to realize that those answers might not be the ones we want.


  9. Brokade,

    Thank you. Hopefully I will find that guy one day, or at least that person, even if it is on a platonic level. We'll see what time brings. GV8 and I are likely not slated for each other, but until I give him a chance to know what is on my mind and to see how he acts, I will never know.


    The thing is, I do not view that as courage. It's just the struggle to live up to my own expectations. If I do not do it, I think less of myself. If I do do it, then I'm being averagely me.


    Much of what you say is exactly right, and your comment did allow me to realize exactly what was bothering me, much sooner than I would have allowed myself to realize it. Pain is... what it is. This blog is, in part, overcoming and confront those things that hurt me, those things that I have allowed to influence my behavior in a negative way.

    Soulmates, yes, I hate to admit I daydream about such connections. Closet romantic to the core.


    I do not expect him to open up to me, and I respect him too much to play those games that would potentially cause him to open. He's a different breed and he needs to be handled differently.

    Also, what Hope said, yes, while a bit "fluffy", is more applicable than you might guess. She reads me very well, though there does seem to be that gap between us in regards to sexuality, she is right significantly more often than not. I do need to heal myself, love myself, respect myself.


    You make a good point. I do need to reframe this so I am not so down on myself for a normal reaction to someone who has caused me pain. I did not think of it that way and I should have.


    Problematic and messy indeed. Fortunately, I apparently have accrued a crack team of incredibly different people to help me sort through this mental rubble, shining lights into all the corners I can't see around.

    Hope Pt. 2,

    Please do not apologize for your unsolicted advice, if simply because, by putting my thoughts out there, advice is being solicted. It is why I do post these things online instead of in a physical journal. I do need that feedback, those other ways of seeing things, and value the various perspectives that will, hopefully, allow me to get a more rounded view of myself and my life. You advice, your comments, are valuable to me, and I do hope you continue to make them when you see fit.


    Exactly. And I'm going to try for Round Two again, see if he knocks me out of the park once more. It hurts, but it needs to be done.

  10. You are not that much into him. Otherwise you would not be humping other guys. He senses it and gets clingy which makes you question him even more. Everything else is just typical girly over analyzation.