Saturday, November 21, 2009

Friday night.

I'm in bed. Movie playing in the background, laundry running downstairs.

It's amazing how excited I am about not being out. That not going out, not feeling forced into social interactions like I am pretty much every day of the week, is the blessing.

Really, this is bliss.

Went and caught An Education after work today, waiting for the traffic to die out. That movie started off so well, was so glorious, and then... the ending... I just couldn't get behind it. Pretending like things never happened.

You can pretend all you like, you can act like your life did not, for some time, deviate from the normal course that your peers' lives took, but something happened, and that will stay with you, no matter what lessons you think you've learned.

The male lead reminded me so much of GV8. The life of crime, the life of luxury, the charisma. I still miss that.

I realized, sometime today, that I'm waiting, truly waiting, to run into an immovable object of a man. The one who stops me, the one who owns me. I'm wild because I can be, I live the way I do because I enjoy it, but I also like the image it produces.

I would fall at the feet of the right man who stopped me and said, "No, you're mine."

Damn romantic submission. No matter how much I try to shove it down, it creeps back to the surface.

Tomorrow, I'm, admittedly, catching the new Twilight movie. Before you gasp with shock and horror, please be reminded that I am female. Please also note that I have the most horrible weakness for high school romance movies. Hillary Duff's A Cinderella Story? Yeah, I've seen that at least ten times.

Homework, studying, reading, activities that I will refer to as "coffee-shoppery".

Play date with Pseudonym Pending in the evening. He's bringing in another guy next weekend, or so the hope goes, so we can do DP again. I might become an addict. Something about having that heat at your front and your back, your nose full of the scent of man... makes you feel at perfect ease.

Well, makes me feel at perfect ease. You might not like it so much.

Sunday is up in the air. Might have another go-round with the retarded restaurant man. Might be mellow, stay in and watch movies, let my body recoop. The latter is probably a better idea.


  1. Do you work in porn?

  2. I really enjoyed An Education, and sometimes you have to pretend that for a time your life didn't deviate from the norm, not because of the shame but because other people can't handle that truth.

  3. Anonymous,

    I love how easy it is to tell when a comment comes from someone from one of the PUA blogs. I have never worked in the adult industry in any capacity. I find it amusing that you guys ask me that so often.


    I think that is it unhealthy to spend time around other people that cannot handle that truth. It makes you sick, makes you ashamed, regretful, unable to completely bond with a person because you cannot discuss something that had such an impact on you. Even if they don't understand it, there needs to be an acceptance or lack of judgement at the very least. The only people I hide who I am, what I have done, from are my coworkers and my family. My coworkers, because such things are not professional, my family because it would hurt them. Anyone else... I don't want them around me if it would be an issue. I only have so much time, and that would be wasting it.