Friday, November 6, 2009

Let's think this out. Paperwork will pile up as it may.


Too weak.

Realizing last night that my panic, my reaction, to GV8 bringing home another woman, effectively outing me from the apartment for that evening, brought up the memories of living with Darkeyes, the pain and the insecurity of knowing where one is to be safe, knowing that those zones that mean relaxation and security are, temporarily, unavailable to you.

The parties I could not stand.
The vomit, the stains, the broken furniture, the lack of respect.

The girlfriend, her plots to chase me out of the apartment so she could have him all to herself, at whatever cost, no morals, a crazed snake parting blades of grass with her cold, saggy belly.

Realizing it too late.

Letting my own fears, my own need for a place to be safe.
Being unable to feel secure in my own physical presence.
Allowing the knowledge of the chaos of mankind overwhelm me.
Fearing the lack of control that the population has.
And the irrational drives behind them, through which no logic, words, or compassion can reach the animal brain they shift into in their rage and desperation to effect their will and their beliefs upon their surroundings.

I panicked.

I reacted.

I acted poorly.

Was it for the best?

Not knowing where the panic stemmed from, just knowing it was there, feeling my body shift into fight-or-flight, those physical reactions.

Would I have been able to deal with it eventually?
If we had talked?

Would I be able to settle (yes, settle) for a lifestyle without marriage, without monogamy? Would I have been okay? Would I have learned to accept and understand?

Or would this internal rage at myself for being so out there eat me? I'm supposed to be so experienced in sex and the understanding that physical does not mean anything but the moment, yet I cannot let go of him being with another.

It's sad and laughable.

It's pathetic that I can't get over it.

And I blame my own insecurity.
And I wonder if I was the girl I am trying to be, if I was that confident, shining star, if I would be okay with it. If I would care at all, or simply be pleased that my partner was so desirable and so damn good in bed.

Am I monogamous at heart, no matter what my confidence level in myself and my partner, or is it just how I was raised, so I am clinging to it as a validation of myself by my partner being with me and only me?

Was my reaction to him solely due to my association of being ejected from a location that I associate with being mine and being a safe haven? Or was it also the sex with another?

I don't know.

My newer friends are baffled.

It's funny, in a way.

They see me go through men, one-night stands, lovers, and I never get possessive, even encourage those men to take other partners and help them learn how to do so if they are a bit wobbly with their game.

And then they see me leave a man I'm crazy about because I don't want him having sex with other women.

I feel like I mislead GV8 with my initial approach to him, constantly going out with other men (even though I wasn't sleeping with any of them), until we started talking about maybe entering into a relationship... and then I switched gears.

I feel like a fool. I feel like I handled this poorly. I feel like I did not communicate enough, which is rare for me. I feel like I'm losing something I'm likely never going to be able to replace, and that I'm completely screwing myself because I simply cannot get over the dream of a white picket fence.

I wanted a partner who would focus on me and only me.
I wanted to have adventures and explore the world.
I wanted to learn to be fearless, learn to have a strong reality like he does.

And the support, so much support, that he gave me.

Continuing to feel like this is all my fault.
Wild, but not wild enough. Like always.
Can't take that last step.

What the hell am I doing?


  1. the self doubt's a plus, if nothing else it means you're willing to assess your behavior/actions. those that don't examine never figure out what they truly went or where they've gone right or wrong or both or neither.

  2. You're being human. Got a story ya might like on my blog.... just sayin'.

  3. Marquis, I'm too full of self-doubt, doubt of identity, doubt of self-definition. Wishing I had something solid instead of this amorphous mass that makes me doubt even my self-doubt.

    Savage, you're one of four people that has reminded me of that humanity, and I have to say that I don't quite believe any of you.