Drove to work this morning talking with GV8 on the phone.

He's so excited about the loft. The construction keeps changing, getting more and more extreme. The jacuzzi is being moved, it sounds like, and a fireplace is going to be installed. He keeps making me laugh with the changes. This week, he's been building a second floor. Rather, he's extending the second floor/balcony thing across the entire loft.

He continues to amaze me.

Yesterday he did not return my call. This is something that irks me, always has been a peeve of mine. I found myself withdrawing from him, emotionally, allowing those self-preserving walls to slam down, labelled with disinterest as I tried to save myself heartbreak without thinking.

My defenses, everyone's defenses, are more intense, more in place, than we ever recognize.

When my phone rang this morning, they melted. All the emotion I had stored up came flooding out as my walls were lifted.

My mind is so used to this protection. And I need to learn, whether or not things work out with GV8, how to give up control, how to be comfortable in love, with the possibility of being hurt.

Last night, C and I went down to Fingerprints in Belmont Shores. I found another copy of one of my favorite movies, Love The Hard Way, but with a different cover than what I already have. So I bought it. That movie is shattering.

Tonight, I am getting dinner with a man I've met once before. We're both odd beasts in entirely different ways, so it's an odd balance of interaction and sizing the other up. I like him, he's interesting.

Tomorrow, I'm doing Christmas set-up with my mom. Going out and getting the tree, lugging the living room furniture around to make room, decorating, listening to jazz and Christmas music until my father takes over the television and, thus, the sound system. I'm going to be baking desserts for GV8 while we do this. I haven't touched an oven in so long, it'll be nice to get back into the groove.

Sunday, I'm taking GV8 to Disneyland. Meeting my sister there for a little until she has to go to work. We have reservations at the Blue Bayou. The food isn't supposed to be that good (at all), but I've always wanted to eat there. I love Disneyland at Christmas, the lights, the masses of children so overwhelmed with joy to be there, the seasonal decorations. He's yet to meet any of my family members, though we've been seeing each other for a little over seven months now (if you don't count our three week hiatus), so that will be good.

I'm looking forward to it. Warm and fuzzy. Very warm and fuzzy.

Almost makes me want to say that I think things will turn out okay.


But I'm not going to say that just yet. I know better.