Friday, December 18, 2009

I've been putting off emailing Glasses. Mostly because I did want him so much when we first met, when I wasn't coming off of GV8.

So he emailed me, apologizing for flaking out on me, explained why.

I replied, thanked him for his apology and his explanation, informed him that I was just coming down off of an intense relationship and that I would need some time to gather myself before possibly engaging with him on a sexual level.

He responds that he understands if we need to keep things platonic for a bit, should get coffee, drinks, dinner, whatever. Or that I could come by his new house that has a heated pool and some various other things that would help us fight off the mildly cold weather.

Ha. I'm onto you, Glasses.

So I wait a few days, wondering if I would be able to have a casual relationship with such a man. If I could drop from having such an intense, emotional connection, to occasionally sleeping with a man who is constantly out of the country on business. He's a good person to know in the BDSM and club scene, a good dom. He's possibly one of the most attractive men I've ever gone out with. He's got a PhD in nuclear or molecular or something something. Very smart. And he's extremely well off.

But he's not looking for a relationship. He doesn't want kids. He's rarely in town, much less the country, and I know it's likely that he has a girl (or a few) at every city he goes to regularly for business.

Which isn't my scene.

I thought about it, discussed it with some friends who know me fairly well, and finally replied.

Mildly proud of myself.

I'm not actually sure what I want right now. I was cruising through life, completely content with the casual friendly sexual relationship, and found that I actually can emotionally bond with someone to the point of trust and respect. Something I didn't think I'd ever be capable of.

And now I'm wondering if I could ever settle for less. Because sex and play... it's fun, but without that connection, it's not worth much. And I can't connect with someone I'm not going to do the long-term, emotional commitment with.

It might be a temporary thing, once I get out of this mope, and I'll realize that it's going to take a long time to find the man I need, so I might as well enjoy myself with others but... I'm not sure. I'm in a weird place. Not sure when I'm going to get out of it, or if I'll even emerge with the same values and mindset I started with.

I do like you, I enjoyed spending time with you, enjoyed what minor physical interaction we had. It worked. But I don't know if I can a) ever take a casual again or b) do something casual with -you- because of your schedule. I don't like being one of a series of a girl in every (air)port, nor do I like not being able to call my partner and meet up spontaenously.

So, that's where I am. I doubt it's remotely ideal for you.

If you're up, as I said, for waiting and possibly getting LBJF'd, then I'd love to grab coffee after the holidays. My schedule isn't exactly permitting until then.

And you can always give me a call. The number is the same.


Whether we end up hooking up down the line is not the point, as much as I am setting my own terms, knowing I'm likely going to be rejected, and not feeling awful about it. I'm not molding myself around him, to his desires. I'm not being a pleaser.

This is where I am. Do what you will, but I will not give.

Look at me, not engaging in self-gratifying rebound sex. Bwah.