Thursday, February 4, 2010

I have never claimed to be aware of what is going on around me in regards to current events or drama. I do believe it was three days after the disaster in Haiti that I first heard about it.

So I'm a bit behind, if I ever even bother catching up.

What recently was brought to my attention, though, was a mini-feudish type-thing going on between two bloggers, one being, of course, a PUA. I'm not going to bother to link to multiple sources, you can do your own research if you so desire. And I'm not going to say I know the details or either of the bloggers, or that I've really taken the time to read either of their blogs, because I haven't.

That's my disclaimer for you.

From the initial post on the topic and the subsequent comments, it seems as though the female blogger was picked up, quickly seduced, shagged, shagged some more, traveled across state lines to, again, shag some more (and travel), and in all of this, she discovered that the man she was banging was a successful pick-up artist.

When he cut ties, she freaked and shot off an angry email.

People flooded into the comment section, declaring crazy-bitchness. Drama, drama, and more drama ensued. The identity of the female in question was revealed. Madness, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria, etc.

If I had been her, I would have done exactly the same thing.

She's a perfect product of the sexual values that we support. Thirty-one years old and has slept with only six men (including the blogger in question).

Defending herself against accusations of slutiness?

She did not have the experience, the education in men and sex, that one needs to navigate these waters competently. She did not understand her desires, did not understand how he gamed her, and put herself into an incredibly bad situation by traveling into a country where she did not speak the language.

(RULE#1: Do not under any but the most extreme circumstances, put yourself in a position where you are reliant on a male who has sexual interest in you. Immediately you imbalance the relationship in his favor by placing yourself in a position of weakness that is easily exploited, at minimum, on an emotional level.)

She was crippled, crippled by living up to the expectations of women set forth by society.

She did not know how to play the game.

So she lost. Badly.

Embarassment, shame, public humiliation, feelings of greatly diminished value.

The way she was raised, the way she was taught to act, the way we, as women, are all taught to act, allowed sex to be used as a weapon against her on an emotional and social level.

And she reacted. Oh, boy, did she react.

(RULE #2: Don't react. Anger is a show of weakness, a show that you've been injured. The best weapon is polite disinterest and, if you're able to do it, friendliness on a purely social level.)

Half of the world's population is at a purposeful disadvantage. Half of us are raised to be weak, to be easily taken advantage of. We are mocked, we are scorned, when we step outside of that weakness, when we reclaim our sex.

Why do we continue to cripple half of our population?

I remember the first time something similar happened to me.

I was 17. His name was Patrick. I had been ineffectually working on him for months.

Imagine me, 17. Still blonde. My hair was ratty, always with split-ends, overlong. I'd wear vintage jeans with the seams split at the side and some colorful fabric inserted to give me bell-bottoms, along with too-tight vintage shirts from thrift stores and overpriced boutiques. Gods, I was even tan.

I was in college, as I had started when I was 16, skipping my senior year. He was a senior in high school, 18.

After months of pursuing him, I finally got him in bed. I had been so excited, snagging the loner male of this particular social group I occasionally spent time in.

Imagine my disappointment when he ended up being ridiculously small. Barely fit across the palm of my hand small (which I've only seen one other time). But I still wanted him, still was game, still wanted to claim his body as mine for an evening.

Later, talking within the group, I found that he had informed them of our fucking, and that I was "as loose as a goose". (That's a phrase I still hear inside my head and cringe, by the by.)

I was completely flabbergasted. I did not mention it to anyone who knew him because I felt bad for him, because I did not (and still don't) identify my partners publicly without their consent. And he had gone ahead and told everyone, and then blamed me for the lack of tight fit?

God, I was pissed. I was embarassed and hurt. I immediately lashed out, informing them that he how small he had been, how anyone would have felt loose being paired up with something that little. The hurt was compounded because I had wanted him for so long, had actually had a crush on him (as opposed to simple lust) and felt like we had bonded on the lead up.

After that, things started falling apart with that group, socially. The other men started trying to sleep with me, assuming since I was so "loose" I must be a slut and therefore they'd have to put in minor effort. At that time, I don't think I had even broken the 10 partner barrier. Once I started rejecting my loving suitors, I was awkwardly shoved out of the group.

These are things you learn. These encounters will stay with you, will trigger signals in your brain that you aren't even aware of that will guide you in your future choices.

It's a refinement process. The more exposure you have (and I don't simply mean sexually) to different types of men, the easier it is to navigate, the easier it is to survive. You learn what roles you are able to play. I found out quickly that I fell into a masculine dandy role, that playing that part allowed me access to the type of men I believed I desired, and once that access was gained, I was able to filter for which were actually desirable.

You learn not to react. You learn to roll with what is tossed at you.

And when you get played, you know what to do.

You know there's nothing to be ashamed of. You know that when a man takes the time, puts in the effort, to seduce you, especially when he has gone to such lengths to learn how to do so, that you're being complimented. You're worth that effort. You're desirable, and all that education is being directed your way (at least for a short period, if you don't know how to handle him).

You know that sex is only sex, and that there are going to be people out there more experienced than you, that will blind you and use you and the best way to react is to know that you've learned something.

Embarrassing situations are going to happen. You are going to get hurt. You will find yourself doubting your own value, you will find yourself suspecting all men of less-than-honest intent. People will badmouth you whether or not you deserve it. People will label you as a slut if you're more experienced than they think you should be, or a prude if you don't put out "enough".

Whatever "enough" is.

If you're not acting in the way people think you should be acting, you're going to get assigned a negative label. You'll likely get harassed and hounded until you give in and alter your behavior or until you own your sexuality.

I've slept with around 70-80 men. Basic sex, vaginal or anal. Both with several of them. If we go into oral, I can't even guess at the number. Probably running around 150 or so. Which, in my opinion, isn't bad at all. My friends make fun of how easily I get men, how often I get asked out, how open I am about sex. I've a constant cycle of attention paid to me, and when I'm running a busy schedule, it's not unknown for me to have three or five men I'm sleeping with regularly, along with others I simply date.

I cannot think of a single time anyone has ever called me a slut, whore, skank, or other sexually derogatory term to my face, other than friends in jest (or men in bed, which is, of course welcome). No one who knows me challenges me, and as years pass and I come more into my own, it is unlikely that anyone ever will.

It's not because I'm aggressive about my sexuality. I'm certainly not in anyone's face about it, verbally or physically. My clothing is always reserved and mellow, elegant for nights out.

It's because I'm comfortable with myself. Because I believe that, without a doubt, what I have done and what I will do is perfectly fine.

When a girl like the blogger in question gets into a situation like she did, her reaction is due to a discomfort with her sexuality. Is due to how she judges herself, how others judge her, and how much she lets that impact her.

Let's play with the situation. PUA picks you up, you do the dirty a few times over the course of whatever period of time, you travel to his home country to visit and see more of the world, and he's an ass. And then he tells you not to contact him again after the trip.

You break down everything he did. You break down your desires, you break down what happened, why you did things that were out of character. You learn. You mentally shake hands with him, acknowledge that it was well-played, that you were outplayed by someone far superior in knowledge of a tiny sector of the world and you realize that it's going to happen again, in other ways. You accept it, you integrate it, and you move on.

In the future, you will do better.


  1. I don't think its fair to blame society for this girls situation, I mean Christ she was thirty one years old. She may not have been sexually experienced but certainly old enough to know better than that. Does she still need someone to remind her to look both ways when crossing the road? As for the pick up artist, this is a thing I have never really understood. I have never had much trouble attracting women so it seems a little bizarre to me that someone would make so much effort and put so much thought into seducing a woman only to add her as a notch in your bedpost. As far as I am concerned there are two types of relationships, the serious ones, (in my case less than a dozen) and the transitory ones, (I couldn't even remember most of these but certainly over three hundred). Like women, all men are different and some guys are happy to stay with the same girl they dated in high school while others remain incorrigible well into their dotage. In my experience, so were not talking about forced sex here, women almost always hold the upper hand in sex as they are aware that most men are always horny for what they have. At the end of the day they are the ones who get to pick and choose. It may be different in games of the heart, but you cant blame men if women attach to much significance to a transitory relationship.

  2. I would have reacted in a similar manner - I know, because I've done it (although I wasn't picked up for a one-night stand... I had someone put in the effort, be all sweet and loving - not casual - and then act like I'd mistaken his intentions/made him out to be something that he wasn't).

  3. I recommend Kegel exercises.

  4. People always seem angriest when they know that it's themselves they have to be angry with.

  5. "Half of the world's population is at a purposeful disadvantage. Half of us are raised to be weak, to be easily taken advantage of. We are mocked, we are scorned, when we step outside of that weakness, when we reclaim our sex."

    Oddly enough, this is a statement that I've heard members of both genders (as well as other sexual orientations/lifestylists) claim as their own.

    Leads me to believe that there is something else going on here.

    If people are looking for a sexual Cold War, they'll find it, but there are other things out there.

  6. Toni,

    I don't blame society, though this post made it sound as though that was my view. We are responsible for how we act, for what we do. Society is a major factor, obviously, but in the end it is us.

    And you can't help being so sexy all the time. :P

    I don't believe that women hold the upperhand when it comes to sex. I see how that view is placed, as we're "withholding" sex and making men jump through hoops, but that cycles back to how we are taught to behave, and those behaviors are the same (or lead to the same) sexual crippling I spoke of.


    Exactly. God, does that blow, feeling like you've been taken as a chump. It's the lowest of the low when it comes to being hurt.


    Well said, very well said.


    I'm curious as to how the lifestylists and those of other sexual orientations argue this point.

    And, really, we cripple both sexes in different ways. I can hop on both sides of the fence on this one, how messed up things feel to me, and the damage we do to each other and our own sexuality in pursuing morality and social approval.

    A sexual Cold War? Ooh, you should write a novel on that. That'd be freaking great.