Sunday, February 14, 2010


My brain is so boned right now. I'm functioning and all that happy horseshit, but, wow, 200 miles a minute, screaming thoughts, total mental/emotional overload.

No point in even trying to hide it from anyone. I don't even have the capacity to act normal right now, anyway.

GV8 and I did our non-Valentine's Day (supposed to be platonic) date yesterday.

We were supposed to drive up the coast, explore, hang out, etc.



Instead we drove through Beverly Hills and he hoisted me onto his shoulders to peer over gates, laughing and waving at the security cameras.

Instead he took me to a special favorite restaurant of his on the coast in Malibu and we sat on a balcony over the beach, watching people play in the sand.

Instead we drove up PCH and toured the Pepperdine campus to see the view of the ocean, seeing how many license plates we could find from each state, pausing to pop my car's sunroof to take a scenic shot.

Instead we went to a winery buried in one of the coastal canyons and bought grape soda, laughing with the girls at the counter while classical and jazz music played, then strolled next door to look at antique French art and furniture.

Instead we went to the Rock Store on Mulholland where he would drive one of his motorcycles with friends and stop to check out the other bikers, we curled up together on the patio and he told me about the different bikes, the history of the place.

Instead we went to visit one of his two best friends, so he could introduce me to her, and she was wonderful.

Instead we went to go to a mall with a favorite store of mine and he picked out clothes for me to model and bought me two adorable outfits to his taste.

Instead we went to his neighborhood, the neighborhood he grew up in, went to his childhood home, saw the things he told me stories about, drove on roads rich with his history, drove by the place he was first employed, by a 7-11 he used to run a candy racket out of when he was nine, by streets he used to race down, and a huge hill that he conquered on roller skates with the aid of some friends.

Instead we went to a steakhouse off the 101, and he called his mom so I could meet her but she was already in bed. We talked and laughed, he filled me in on the drama in his industry, the moves he was about to have to make, his constant internal debate to retire.

Instead we drove back to his apartment so I could model my new cocktail dress for him, and he pulled off my panties to see how it would fit without those lines, sliding them down my thighs to drop onto the floor.

Instead I spent the whole night curled up with him, and the morning exploring each other's bodies like we used to, with love and care, with devotion and enthusiasm, lost in flesh.

Instead, I'm sitting here typing this, crying. Because it doesn't change a thing. Because we still cannot be together without me giving up dreams and being destroyed by his need for a sexually open relationship.

Instead we're both emotionally wrecked, having done things we shouldn't have done but we couldn't have done otherwise.


  1. I am too distant and too insignificant here. My words lack value. Still, I have resolved to write this.

    I know that tears reveal what's in the heart. I know that what's in your heart, Poetry, is worth all the world's gold.

    So, I read and re-read your posting. I wanted to discover what was worth your spending your heart's treasure on.

    I found nothing.

    There's nothing that's equal in value to your heart's treasure.

    There's nothing that's equal in value to a single one of your tears.

  2. Tears remind you that something important happened. Tears are natural, grief is good.

    He's the best man I've ever dated, the strongest, healthiest influence I've had on me in some time. He has inspired so much growth in me, shown me how I can live, how I can chase my dreams, chase the person I so wish to become.

    Love, love is free. Love often, love deeply. Too love one does not take away from your ability to love another, the resource in question is time and time alone. For all the tears I've shed, he has given me more happiness, more laughter, and more support during dark times, should there be an exchange rate.

  3. You are so intelligent and so talented and so filled to overflowing with every good emotion that you give yourself away. You have to, because no one else can give back to you in equal measure. You've given so much of yourself for so long that you've forgotten how valuable you are.

    You wrote that, "Love, love is free." Maybe it should be, but it's not. Maybe yours is, but others' love isn't. Look what happened to that Guy 2010 years ago when he brought to earth His message of love.

    You said that to love one doesn't take away the ability to love another. Yes it does, but not for you apparently. The reason isn't time so much as space. Most hearts just aren't big enough to love everyone.

    Look, I don't want to try to take anything from GV8. He's won your love, and that's reason enough to respect him. But if there's an exchange rate, I'm betting his contribution pales in comparison to yours.

    Just don't ever forget how wonderful YOU are.

  4. There's another reason GV8 can't be such a bad guy. According to your posting, he used to ride motorcycles. (grins)

  5. I have a question for you. Do you believe that

    "sexually open relationship" = no real commitment from a man's side?

  6. Rider,

    Quantifying or qualifying love... it doesn't work. It's an emotion, and contrary to what XKCD proposed over Valentine's Day, we can't graph it out on a value-based system.

    GV8 taught me, is teaching me, how to love myself, how to pursue happiness. That's worth a lot to me.

    And he still does ride motorcycles, has four of them right now, actually.


    I do not believe that a sexually open relationship equals no commitment from a man.

    GV8 has given me more of himself than he has another other woman, save one. And I know he's very capable of commitment, provided that does not interrupt his very active sex life.

    Personally, I'm just emotionally unable to handle that... which is somewhat of a silly thing, given that I know very well that the value of any sexual act lies in the importance one puts on it.

    In this case, if I wasn't so set on having children (with him being so against it), we'd likely still be in a relationship, and me doing my damnedest to work through my need for sexual monogamy.

  7. Your posting is radioactive, Poetry. Every time I open to this page, the geiger counter goes haywire.

    I should leave here and go back to the page with Blake and Thompson and Easy Rider and Steppenwolf and Nietzsche. That page is fun. But this page is dark and difficult.

    I know, no matter how hard I try, I won't make it light in here. But I never was wise or reasonable.

    So, I'm going to try anyway.


    You're right to end your relationship with GV8. You're right because your relationship is no longer just about you and him. It's about your having children. It's about your starting a family.

    Women are wiser about children than we men are. That's because a baby is almost entirely of the mother. We men get the fun. You women get the labor. Even after a child is born, it's mostly the mother who cares for her.

    Now, about you. You'll be a great mother. You're intelligent, caring, and courageous. Every single building block for "great mother" is found in you.

    In contrast, GV8 won't be a good father, unless he changes. There's the rub: he won't change. What are screaming children and dirty diapers and an angry and demanding Poetry, who just needs a respite, going to do for him? Nothing good. You know that already.

    You and I spoke about the human calculus in our prior words. We spoke about who gave what to whom. You didn't like what I wrote, but I'm going to write that again because it's so important.

    You gave so much, including your heart. Now it's GV8's turn. Yes, he's given you great sex, but he won't give you real love in return for yours.

    That's why you're better than he is. That's why you lose nothing. That's why he loses everything.

    This is one time when you must believe in yourself.

    When the dust settles, there's an easy fix to all this. Find someone who loves you as much as you love him. Find someone who will commit to you and to your children. Find someone whom you can teach to please you.

    I bet sex with that person will be light years better than the sex with GV8, who just never cared enough.


    There. I've said what I had to, Poetry. Now throw rocks at me, if you must.

  8. Oh, Jeez, I just read your "feeling bleh" posting.

    Does my timing in writing the comment immediately above suck, or what?