Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Something has been bothing me since SFPlayboy came down to visit.

I realized that I feel... not insulted, but almost embarrassed.

Close enough to embarrassment to bother.

I mean, really, scenario presents itself: hot, able-bodied, sexually active male temporarily sharing living quarters (and bed) with young, sexually active female fighting off the potential throes of reboundery.

That should've been a gimme.

But he couldn't.

It wasn't even that he was respecting my wishes to remain celibate. He tried. He tried repeatedly, and I smacked him down each time.

He was unsuccessful. He had slept with me before, knew what I was like (though I know I have noticiably changed), had some idea of my buttons.

And he couldn't do it. He couldn't get in my head and, therefore, get in my pants.

Game failure.

How embarrassing. For me.

Which might sound odd. Might sound really odd.

A year ago, I was a completely different person. And snagging SFPlayboy, an attractive and intelligent male with some grasp of game, was a decided highlight, though, admittedly, I had many highlights during that time.

He was what I could catch. He was where I was at, where my knowledge and experience was at. Like to like. Screening processes, shit tests, they were at a level where he could pass them, where his various proofs met my standards, enough to move him from a "hey, you're hot, you'll do for tonight" to a "hey, you're hot, you're intelligent, but I would never date you, so let's be lovers".

And he's a good guy, a fun companion. I enjoy spending time with him, enjoy his intelligence, his wicked vocabulary is always educational, as well as his knowledge of nutrition and the human body. He doesn't care that I go into predator mode, doesn't find it freaky that sometimes I just feel like manipulating others, doing a social dance, doesn't care that I can drop in and out of roles without thought. He likes it, it seems. Possibly finds it admirable.


But in the last year, things have changed. I have changed. I've met so many people, done so many things that I never expected to do, only dreamed of... that he no longer passes all my filters.

If I met him today, he might not even be a one-night stand.

Actually, if I met him today, he would not be a one-nighter. I wouldn't sleep with him at all.

It's embarrassing to me that I took up with a male that can't play the game well enough to get me to sleep with him when we're sharing the same bed. It's embarrassing how easily I socially dominated him all weekend, how easy it was to smack him down when he started being sullen. He failed, and continued to fail. He let me play with him, manipulate him, mess with him.

And he couldn't step up.

Which reflects my desirability.

Hence the embarrassment and discomfort.

I like that I was able to step up, that I had changed so much that I took this man who normally dominated all of our interactions and switched roles on him. It shows that I'm making progress, shows I'm learning more, growing more, being more.

It also shows that I'm moving out of my already scant dating/sex pool and into another area entirely, where men I find suitable are even more rare than before.

And that bothers me as well.

But there's nothing I can do. I have the knowledge now, the experience. That's not going to go away without some physical head trauma.

I have a date this weekend, with some guy that used to be built along the lines of Vin Diesel, then had a back injury that threw him out of that physical loop for a couple years and is now coming back to that shape again. He's a decently intelligent fellow, a writer, well-employed, dominant.

And I'm almost dreading it. Meeting this man, putting him through the usual hoops, finding he's lacking, and tossing him back. I don't want this rubbed in my face that I've, once more, pushed myself farther into limiting my dating pool through having too high expectations built by experience and education of what I find desirable.


  1. I'm going to use chocolate as an example. I have had what I find to be the finest chocolate in the world. The richness and creaminess are superbly balanced.
    What I find like in chocolate is now hard to get, be it expense or be it availability but it is available.
    But I'll still grab a Hershey bar from time to time....

  2. You know, that actually made me feel a lot better. Good job, senor.

  3. It's called being a snob. Also chicks with better game are not really more attractive. Hot chicks who are fun to be around that are a good lay is all most guys want. Sounds like you're pricing yourself out of the market by buying your own stock.

  4. Steve,

    A snob? Possibly. Unlikely, knowing me, but it is possible with the way I'm going. However, how is that any different than one of the PUA set only going after 9s and 10s, thinking the 8-and-belows are not good enough for them?

    Different men have different things they find attractive. Most men do not like being challenged by chicks with good game. But some of them do and, fortunately, I find that type of man highly desirable.

    I do value myself highly. I'm attractive, I'm intelligent, I'm a good companion, and I'm quite good in bed, along with many other traits that don't matter to you as much as they matter to me. My value and how I choose to price it are very much my choice. If I limit my dating pool because I know I'm worth more, then that continues to be my choice and I must take both the positives and negatives that come with it.

    If it is not "nice" to not sleep with or date a male that I find undesirable, then I am not a nice person.

  5. Hey you don't have to sleep with anyone you don't want to and you should feel good about yourself, it's healthy. I just think it's a common trap for women to overvalue themselves in the dating market. There's also a fine line between being flirty/challenged by game and some girl who just relentlessly busts your balls so much that she's not worth the time.

    Like Eminem said "when you're in it get as much shit as you can and when your run is over admit when it's at it's end". Unfortunately most chicks attractiveness takes a nosedive around 35-40. So if you got it flaunt it.

    You are a really good writer do you have anything besides this site?

  6. I don't think I overvalue myself, exactly. Or if I do so, it's not a conscious choice. But I do admit that I expect a certain hard-to-find something from the men I date, and it is my own fault/choice for having such high and odd expectations.

    And if I ever turn into a ballbuster... shudder. I like to challenge, I like to butt heads, I like to fight it out on a mental level. But that's not because I want to prove myself or make them submit, but because I want, I want so badly, to find the men that will make me submit, will own my mind, will own our interactions. I want to be overwhelmed.

    I don't think I have "it" to flaunt yet, not to the level I would desire. But I'm getting close.

    And thank you. I do have a couple of other blogs, but since they are public and this one is anonymous and kept separate from them, I do not link the two together. I don't like the overabundance of attention, especially when people know my face, know how to get a hold of me.