I can hear Kings of Leon playing from... somewhere? Displeasing. Can't tell if it's the bar or the apartment next door or one of the apartments in this building. It's almost midnight and, yeah, I'm done with the whole "music" thing.

C is getting booted from her place. This is why I didn't want to rent from people leasing out their own property. It could be really nice, but you could find yourself on the ass-end of a foreclosure (like her last place) or you could end up having your landlord get in an argument with his wife and boot you out because he needs a place to stay (the current place). He's violating their lease agreement and I doubt she's going to do anything about it.

Give me a solid corporation to rent from, thank you. The larger, the better.

Monday night and the kids are out partying.

Never was the bar type. Didn't make me feel comfortable. What am I supposed to do? Stand there and shout over a jukebox while my friends drink, while I get hit on by drunk guys that, yes, are hot, but they're drunk. I hear drunk sex is great, but when only one of you is drinking, I can't imagine it's good for the sober one.

Actually, now that I think of it, the last time I had sex with a non-sober individual, the sex was pretty damn bad. Wasn't the worst, but it was definitely not quite worth the drive.

It's Monday, almost Tuesday. Two weeks since GV8 did his mid-week ending. No word from him.

I'm planning, in my head, what I'm going to be doing now.

Relationship/life-wise.

I almost want to push myself, see how long I can go with minimal physical contact. I want to pick a date and gun for it. No sex, no sleep-overs, no oral, no hand-jobs. I might strike off kissing and hand-holding.

I suppose it's a reaction.

Having a life again, suddenly. No weekends packed with GV8, my week nights trying to cycle through my friends so they don't start complaining to me about my absence, while still trying to take care of the day-to-day that has to be handled, neglecting all but the necessary.

I don't want that taken away from me again.

And then GV8's accusation that I'm going to backslide, that I'm going to fall into my old ways of seeking comfort with skin to skin contact, even if it's nonsexual contact. He feels I'm too weak, going to others for comfort, not able to do it "on my own". I'm too physically based.

He said to me, actually, on our last date, that while outside sex was okay because it meant nothing, he was not comfortable with me cuddling with other men. Except I cuddle with my most of my friends, and most of my friends are men. I kinda blinked at him, as he's very well aware that I'm incredibly physically affectionate with anyone I'm comfortable with.

He doesn't like it when I sleep with others, even though he says he does not mind, then blames it on other things. "Signs". "Tendencies". He gets upset and brings it up whenever we have serious discussions, or whenever he has a bone to pick.

It frustrates me. He's wonderful, he's so much of what I desire in a partner, yet he can be so not aware of himself. And, with near everyone else I know, I get in their heads, I hear their secrets, hear their stories, fears, tragedies, and discuss them, but I've never attempted to do that with GV8. I think it was a combo of fear and idol-worship. Fear he'd see right through my little dance and see that I was digging at his roots, idol-worship because everything he does is, of course, right and well-motivated. Issue-free.

He's so smart, so dynamic, that it's hard to imagine him being anything but self-aware and self-controlled.

It makes me wonder, if he ever comes my way again, if I'd take him back. If I'd be okay with the lifestyle he offers. Our connect is so strong, but what about the rest? If I change and realize I don't need him, that he isn't the golden god, will I still treat him with enough respect so as not to irritate him, or will the dynamic between us have changed so strongly that it no longer works?

Either way, have to keep growing, have to keep exploring.

If it works, it works. If not, then I'm someone else, he's someone else, and it was a good experience.