Saturday, March 20, 2010

We look out upon the sea...

I hate having this roiling set of emotions in me, and the inability to express it, to communicate, to settle my brain down long enough to identify all the pieces.

I am supposed to be writing a paper right now. My midterm. A delightful romp discussing the sublime as presented by Burke, and Wollstonecraft's arguments in Maria against Burke's politics using said definition.

Okay, not really a delightful romp.

Instead, I wake up feeling just like the previous evening. Low. Realize that I'm likely PMSing. Decide to put my head down and power through it anyway.

Drive down to the coffee shop where I plan on writing my paper. As I'm pulling into the parking space, my phone rings. It's my mom. Sobbing. Telling me about how my dad's appointment with the psychologist went yesterday. How the psychologist pulled her away from him after the appointment to let her know that he was suicidal.

Subsequent falling apart.

Calling me because I'm the only person she can talk to about this stuff.
Calling me because she feels completely isolated from everyone because the family is so small.
Calling me because my sister is completely unsympathetic towards all that is going on and usually just makes my mom feel worse.

Twenty minutes of sitting in my car in the parking lot, listening to my mom alternately crying and then apologizing to me for ruining my day.

How powerless we feel. All three of us. Mother, father, daughter.

The other daughter, off, doing her own thing, rejecting the reality of what is going on so she can preserve herself.

Hard not to hold it against her.
Hard not to let the anger build.

I miss GV8 so much. I just want to call him, for him to comfort me, to make me feel like it will be okay, to lend me his strength so I can be what my mom needs, what my dad needs.

But that's exactly what he doesn't want. He doesn't want to be my crutch, he doesn't want me to be "needy". He wants me to be strong on my own terms. Strong like I should be.

Which means I have to put my helmet on and write this paper.

As for tonight, we'll see. I had plans, I might keep them to get my mind off of life. To cope. I might drive out to my parents', even though they will not be home until late, as my mother called some old friends and made dinner plans with them to get Dad out of the house, get him social. As social as he can get right now.

Crawl up the stairs to my old bedroom, curl up in a sleeping bag on a piece of memory foam, wake up and pretend that I'm fourteen again, that everything is normal, as normal as it every got.

That we're all happy again, happy and whole.


  1. Noone is perfect. We all have our downfalls. It is part of the human condition. It is normal to be upset when your family is going through struggles. It is ok to be sad for a little while.

    Then, you need to do things to help yourself to change the subject. Take a walk on the beach. It is very theraputic. then go back to your place and take a nice hot shower and put on your favorite jamies.

    Do some work on your paper and then get some sleep. Set your alarm for early and get up and do a little more. Do what you need to do, and feel satisfied with your accomplishments, and let yourself become happy because of that.

    One more thing.....turn off your phone.

  2. SweetMagnoliya,

    Actually, after I finished my paper, I did walk down to the beach, sit on one of the cliffs and try to relax. It was nice.

    You did remind me that I need to get away from my phone. I check it much too often. As soon as I got your comment, I checked movie times and went to see an early show, just so I could shut off my phone, get out of my own life, and relax. Thanks for the idea. :)