Wednesday, April 28, 2010

But somehow I manage...

C and one of her partners came over last night.

They hung out in my kitchen making taquitos while I showered. We're no strangers to each other's bodies, given the amount of time I spent couchsurfing with her, wandering around my apartment naked while the water grew hot was nothing out of the ordinary.

She's been seeing this new guy, not the one that was with us last night. I don't like him much. He's very controlling, but in the way that makes you think he's doing you a favor, or that he "really respects your decisions". His hands are cold and damp, his haircut too feminine, his posture lacking.

The four of us are going to a Cinco de Mayo event next week. C, her two guys, and myself. He didn't want to go with us. He wanted to have her to himself, didn't want to share. Doesn't want to get to know the other people she spends so much of her life with.

My right arm has been aching lately, as it often does when I overuse it. Too much time playing keyboard jockey, too many nights falling asleep with my hands clenched into light fists, jaw locked shut, grinding my teeth.

I find myself daydreaming about a male arm sliding around my waist, pulling me into him for more contact while we sleep.

I find myself at a club in conversation with a one-night stand from two years ago, discussing how his girlfriend finds me desirable, and how that interest is, oddly enough, returned. Imagining a threesome- he's tall, well-dressed red-head, she's a leggy blonde, and I've my dark hair and swishy curves.

It'd look good. The three of us would look gorgeous together.

I spend my days talking with Roman, text, IMs, phone calls. Constant companionship of the platonic variety. I'm comfortable with him, comfortable talking with him, arguing with him, teasing him.

Found myself shooting emails back and forth with a man who I've been interested in for several years. When it trickled down from several paragraph exchanges to one or two sentences, I shrugged and moved along.

His loss.

I actually thought that. Without a trace of snark, but a sincere observation. I don't have interest in playing "chase the overworked businessman". He can hunt me down if he so desires.

Got a comment on an earlier entry. One sentence. Saying something like, "Damaged... so very damaged."

Had that mild rage rise up.

Probably not that rage one would expect.

But the rage that comes from being confronted with another set of beliefs that rolls egocentric in nature.

To express to someone that they are damaged is to say that you are healthy enough to comment on their state of being. Not only that, but that how they feel, how they experience life, their value system, is entirely incorrect. That you know, you know exactly how to be healthy and happy.

That one truth to living. You've got it.

Unfortunately, since it's a single sentence comment, that Ultimate Truth of happiness and health isn't being shared. There's nothing supportive or constructive.

No, it's just a drive-by comment. Unneeded. Expressing to the poster their superiority, the recipient, their inferiority. Nothing further to be communicated.

The buck stops here. Whatever that means, exactly.

It means that the opinions being expressed in the post were indiciative of damage. Meaning those opinions were unhealthy. Meaning that unhealthiness is wrong. Meaning those opinions were wrong.

But the commenter, the commenter is oh-so right. Because they know. They know that their opinions are right. Which means their opinions are healthy. Which means they are healthy.

When speaking with Roman on a similar, but totally unrelated topic, I can only that this to mean that the commenter, or anyone expressing such egocentricity, knows what the universe wants. Knows the Ultimate Right, the Ultimate Goal, the Ultimate Path to happiness.

At the time, I described it as the girl in question being on the other side of a double-ended dildo shared with the universe.

I swear that it made sense ...I think.

I have no tolerance for such mindsets, as hypocritcal as that may sound. I will argue with people whose worldviews I agree with if I feel like they believe they know the Right Way to Be, in whatever forum that may occur. Religion, social, sexual, political... I won't discuss their beliefs with them, but I will rip them a new one (as Roman discovered yesterday) if they're platforming for the Ultimate Right.

It's one of my biggest peeves, one of the things that will be guaranteed to either set me off of make me leave a room. I have walked out of family dinners with the sentence: "Let me know when this discussion is over."

Back to the initial starting point for this topic.

Am I damaged?

In my opinion, yes, I am damaged.

And that's the only opinion that matters on this subject.


  1. Poetry

    We're all affected by our experiences, including bad experiences.

    That's what gives us empathy with other people, it's also what makes us interesting, the tabula rasa is overrated imo.

    I know it's difficult, but the ability to gain in a positive way from one's bad experiences is the mark of greatness, in relationships as well as in every other aspect of life.

    You of all people have the potential to do this, you are so self-aware and ultimately such a good person.

  2. I think everyone has their own level of damage based on life experiences. No two people handle things the same way. I've been reading your blog for some time now and that comment is not only harsh, but unnecessary. In fact, I find you to be very intriguing and freakishly smart. At no time did I get the impression you are "damaged" at all. Sounds like that person has a superiority complex and it's a shame they can't keep their shitty opinions to themselves.

  3. "The buck stops here. Whatever that means, exactly."
    It is in reference to poker playing in the later 1800s to early 1900s. A knife (usually with a buck antler handle) was passed around and driven into the table to signify the dealer the longer the game the longer the "buck" got passed around. The buck stops here pretty much means it's time to quit playing games or screwing around.... I do believe you intuitively used the expression properly.

  4. A lot of damage is self inflicted. Bad ideas, bad beliefs, bad habits, till they become entrenched, destroying the ability to see good. Being broken is not the problem, seeing where you are broken is.

    A starting point is looking at the people who are happy, (and there are people who are) but you might not like what you see.

  5. I don't think you suffer from inordinate amounts of damage compared to the rest of us (especially in the blogosphere).

    I think it's your candor that is remarkable and unusual and an easy mark for the lazy observer.

  6. Pfeh...the only people who are truly sane are the ones who admit to their own insanity.

  7. It sounds like Roman may have had some hidden motives for your friendship and he may have been hoping that your friendship would eventually progress to a differant level and since it hasnt he got frustrated and resorted to a low blow to jar you out of your friendship comfort zone.

    So the comment, about being damaged. We all have damage. We start out as babies all pink and pretty and innocent, lol. Then life happens. It is like having an A+ and having no where to go but down. It was a hurtful comment only because it was a weak attempt to jab you. Everyone has thoughts that they usually dont speak, but the brain and the conscience filter them out to release only the ones most suitable to the occasion.(tact) Maybe he just lacked a little luster, and went for the dime store comment instead of really filtering the comment to spare your feelings.

    He has been friends with you listening to your stories validating you as a friend for all this time without telling you how he really feels. He has damage too.

    I had a friend that once told me that things you say to someone else are usually things that are true about yourself. That to a certian degree we mirror our thoughts off other people in order to validate them to ourselves. She would tell me that she wasnt telling me anything she was just telling me what I was already telling her.

    Dont let anyone steal your joy or confidence. Thanks for the post, Sweet

  8. SDaedalus,

    I'm not worried about my damage. I don't really consider it damage anymore, or particularly of note. Part of living is accumulating damage, and if you don't... I can't even imagine.

    My experiences, as you say, both positive and negative, have allowed me to connect with so many people, in life and online. I'd never have the sort of relationships I have with people now without that behind me (and, I'm sure, in front of me).

    Thank you for your words.


    Aw, thanks for commenting. I have to admit, though, there are times where I definitely don't feel freakishly smart, heh.

    I do think that, as long as the one agrees with the viewpoint being expressed, and the actions being taken... it wouldn't be damage. It's only damage if you disagree. Or, yes, feel like running by with a superiority complex. I only hope he was wearing a headband to keep the sweat out of his eyes.


    And he's smart, too, Ladies! Get in line for this dazzling, beefy catch of A-Grade tattooed, American male!

    Hawking your ass to the internet aside, why do you know that??

    Social Pathologist,

    I do not belief base-damage is self-inflicted. There are things that happen before we can ever learn how to deal with them that carry forward in time effecting us before we are ever really able to even acknowledge that there are issues. And then we make it worse, doing damage to ourselves, as you say.

    I read, somewhere, that one shouldn't take advice from anyone who is not living the life you want to live.

    Happiness is not defined by own activity, one mindset. What makes my mother happy will not make me happy. What makes GV8 happy will not make me happy. What makes you happy will not make me happy.

    I have to define my own happiness.


    Yeah, putting it all out there... not always good. Usually people don't say anything, but sometimes they apparently just have to.


    I can't say I disagree.


    It wasn't Roman that made the comment, but some anonymous commenter. Roman and I were talking about something he was experiencing in his own life regarding a woman and her need to express that she understands The Ultimate Needs of The Universe.

    Which is odd.

    And, yes, I do try to consider the things that people say as potential reflections of their own internal issues and fears.

    Your guy call you yet? I need my updates!!


  9. I read, somewhere, that one shouldn't take advice from anyone who is not living the life you want to live.

    True, but the way you want to live may not necessarily make you happy. And there's the rub, there are many ways to live, but not many ways to find happiness.

    And lets be clear what we mean by happiness. It's not a moment of bliss, since even happy people can have their down times. It's a disposition which reflects a contentment with life.

  10. Update on the the situation.....Ok..There were a few issues he was having with me, but one of them was that when he didnt come back to my place on Monday night I was furious because I had taken that day off special and I had wanted to spend time with him as I was going to be working the next 6 days straight.

    It got to be 11:30pm so I went and got all of his personal things that I could find quickly, bagged them up and set them by the front door. Then I went to go look for him. I never found him and when I got back to my place he was there and he was furious with me that I had packed his things. lol. It was just clothing and a few other items.

    The thing that really got me is that he went into a screaming fit with me when I was the one that was angry at him for staying gone without calling at all, and not coming home until the night was basically over. He was demanding me to take him home and I told him no that he would have to wait until morning for me to take him home because I had been out driving around for over an hour looking for him and I was tired.

    I told him he could sleep on the couch if he wanted. (I should mention here that the car he had been out in all day and night...was mine.) In the morning I took him home and he said comeeere let me give you a hug. So he hugged me and I left and went to work. So 7 days goes by and I havn't heard a word from him. So it was Monday again my first day off in 6 days, and I decided to clean my house and generally just spend time doing things that were important to me...which I did. In the process I gathered the rest of his things(which he had put some of his things back in my closet) and I got a big box and neatly folded all his clothes in it and all the other stuff that was his and I loaded it up in my car. So I go to his house and put the box on his porch and ring the door bell. The door opens up and its him. The box was blocking the door and he said whats this? I said oh...sorry and moved the box so he could open the door. I brought the rest of your things, I wanted you to have them. He said oh...thanks. I said, owwe nice shirt. He said thanks. and then ok well see ya later. He said see ya later. I left. Flash forward to today, call it Friday. Still no call. This from the man who was telling me he loves me and he loves my dog and I am his girlfriend etc. etc. etc. I will admit that I have called him a few times because I thought there would at least be one more conversation about closure, but nothing. I had thought he ws trying to punish me or something but its been almost 2 weeks.
    The bottom line for me is that I would be ok with going out once and a while but I just wanted to take things much more slowly. I wont lie, I do miss him, but I am just to old for these games. All my friends are glad to see him gone and that I can do so much better. I have about zero desire to meet anyone new. So I have been focusing on myself and what I need to get done for me, and then lots of overtime, which I needed to get caught up on my bills.

    I have come to the decision that I want to move back to Washington state. My children and mother are there. I miss my family. I cant take much more of the drama. I simply dont have the energy. I keep seeing his eyes. Crystal Blue.....and the way he can make me feel, incredible. so that about sums it up for now....thanks for being interested....How did GV8 take being turned down? I really hate the not calling thing, it bugs me severely. To be continued...Sweet

  11. Social Pathologist,

    I agree with you on the happiness being a long-term state of being.

    But I disagree that there are not multiple routes to happiness. I think there are as many routes to happiness as there are people.


    Eesh, that sounds like a stressful night. I do not envy you that at all.

    I do hope you move back to Washington. It's so important to be around family, if just for people to play boardgames with. ;) I don't think I could ever be away from my family for long. It would bother me too much.

    It sounds as though it would be a good thing if this guy didn't call. Too much drama, too much conflict. It makes life exciting... but stressful.

    As for GV8... he doesn't take being turned down well. He doesn't throw a fit, he doesn't do anything rash, but it does bother him and he does make it slowly known over time.

  12. Being aware of our damage trumps being unaware

    poetry, this caught my eye.
    "Lately I've been feeling that everything I've been pushing for is just to make myself more ideal, more desirable, for a partner. It's always that way, I suppose. It's hard to shove aside what we're told we should be to be the best we can to what we want to be to be the best we are."

    Why not push ourselves to be more ideal for ourselves, or as just a principle in itself. Because being more idea and becoming the best we can be is worth something in itself, something that transcends us?

    Is it not good to grow, to become? If others can initially serve as a catalyst of our growth, our desire to measure up or become for them, this catalyst can serve us at first, but why not grow beyond this? Using it as a spur initially but finding through this the path to more fully simply becoming ourselves, being and becoming what we can be for our own fate, our own destiny, our own ends - and not that of others..

    Just a thought.