Monday, April 12, 2010

The last few nights, I've been dreaming about GV8's club. About being there, about the wildness, the sex, the hot writhing bodies and the chaos.

I don't dream all too often, and while I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay, that I don't care that I'm missing out on such a major part of his life, my subconscious is quite obviously telling me such is not the case.

It's been... not quite hard, but certainly awkward. Like wearing a shoe on the wrong foot.

I texted him on Saturday morning, when I was out at the mall, looking for clothes that fit. It was a simple thing, wishing him good luck on his opening night, that I hoped the club was everything he had wanted it to be.

No response. He always responds, even if he has nothing to say. Just a happy face, or "hugs" to acknowledge that he received the text.

Nothing, nothing at all.

Which doesn't necessarily mean anything, really. When you're just opening a club that you've been working on for over half a year, your phone is going to be overloaded with messages and calls, not to mention your life is going to be overloaded. And his phone was giving him problems.

I, I am going to text him a happy un-anniversary message on our one year (which is May 3rd, so not far away), and if I don't hear back from him, assume that's over with entirely.

And it needs to be over with, anyway. I just want closure, not disappearance. Feels like a loose end, and I hate loose ends when it comes to major events and people in my life.

I find it hard to believe that it hasn't quite been a year since we met. I've changed so very much since then, it's hard to fathom sometimes. I look at my social interactions now, and realize how much has changed.

I used to be so anxious about everything when it came to social interactions. I would have a hard time calling people I wasn't comfortable with, assuming that I was interfering with their lives somehow, pressing unwanted attention on them, that I wasn't high status enough to be worth their time.

I lost a number of friends and potential friends due to that insecurity.

Things are certainly different now.

Though I'm finding there's some echoes.

I ran across someone on a dating site I used to use. Now it's more of an interacting with friends thing than anything else, as I've pretty much ditched the hope of every meeting someone I would date on a website. But I was up late, surfing around, and I saw this guy that I had such an intense crush on when I was about 20 or so. Almost always too shy to talk to him, and when I did manage to speak with him, there was always some form of social defense I ran.

But I saw his profile and skidded to a stop. I couldn't believe someone like him would be using a dating site. He's the decided AMOG, always seems to have girls around him, such good social presence.

So I messaged him.

But it took me a bit. It's that intimidation I used to experience when I was younger. He was so attractive, so very desirable, so very much the king of the group. I suddenly felt young and so very below par for his usual fare.

And then I took a step back and looked at this last year.

I looked at GV8 and everything that I had done, everything that I had experienced with him. And the life I had before him, who I used to be.

And these are the things I have learned:

No man is infallible. It's simply a matter of getting under the skin, which is done through observation and experimentation.

Seduction does not have to be cold and manipulative. The best interaction one can have is a constant give and take where both party's emotions are involved, both on their best game.

Handjobs require lube. Lots and lots of lube. You can turn an average handjob into a spectacular hand/blowjob combo by using grapeseed oil, as it's okay if you ingest a lot of it, and it doesn't taste or smell like artificial death.

If you are polite to wait staff, the service is good. If you throw them off their social track and interact with them in a personable manner, the service is not only even more improved, but you can usually get the best seat in the house.

Tilting your chin slightly to the left and looking up at someone gets through weak defenses with minimal effort.

Forcing your car into a spin when someone t-bones you saves lives and limbs.

Small misunderstandings can have great impacts.

Beginning any sexual interaction with consistent, mildly adoring behavior, then suddenly down shifting that into sporadic contact and mild apathy sends most men into a self-validating tizzy... but you have to pace it right.

My body has five different ways of stimulating to squirt: oral, manual, mechanical, penetrative, and rough spanking.

One of my biggest issues is handling unknown change.

I am stronger than I let myself believe.

My need for sexual validation is temporary and based on my self-confidence and stress levels. Sexual issues from my wild teenage years have been resolved, using sex to validate myself is a coping mechanism I've gotten much too used to.

My mother never learned how to take care of herself and, thus, is a doormat. I learned my relationship expectations by watching this throughout my childhood. You do anything to placate your mate at cost to yourself. This is your duty. This is a mindset I badly need to break.

I do not get along with the majority of women due to a combination of insecurity and knowing that I do not share the same value system as women are raised with now, which makes connection and respect very difficult to achieve.

Giving up control of my body in bed is easy. Letting go of my mind is harder.

I will beg with my body, but I can't beg with words because I know that I am more experienced than my partner, I know my brain is more wrapped around sex than theirs, and that my self-control surpasses theirs. To beg would be saying otherwise, and I simply cannot make myself do so.

I can say "no" to a good time, just as easily as I can say "no" to a bad time.

If you run, they will chase you.

While I don't play dumb, playing adorable and cute works just as well in most situations.

I am just as good as the men I date.

I can learn to do even the things I am most inept at if I simply set aside the time. It's easy to get intimidated, but if I break it into small steps, I can tackle it easier.

It is disrespectful to your date to show up tired. One would think I would have figured this out by now, but apparently not.

Men that are interested in you don't like to hear mention of other men, even if it's in past tense. It's almost like your job to make their feel special.

Disclose slower. Make sure to layer the information presented, so you're constantly unfolding unexpected creases.

Cooking is easier when you don't know any of the rules.


  1. "Cooking is easier when you don't know any of the rules."
    When I was learning to cook, my father told me that the only time you had to really follow directions was when you were baking a specific kind of cake.
    This is a very insightful list and I think that your progression in the realm of being human is going quite well.

    As for me, I stand 6'2ish with damn near 2' shoulders thus my need for 3x and 4x shirts, depending on who makes them.

  2. Being cute only works if you actually *are* cute. I look guilty even when I'm fully innocent. I never got away with the cute thing...except for a brief moment in time when I was a blonde.

  3. I don't feel the need to call a situation a game but rather like to say that life is a journey. When I read this post it almost feels like pandoras box has been opened. Once you open the box you cant close it.

    I am not sure how you can "move on" or forget about that part of your journey and I am not saying that you need to forget the experiences you have had. I do think that you have to walk away from the box taking with you only elements that are usful for future happiness.

    Being real and being yourself is the best way to have true and meaningful intereactions. If someone is atracted to the "real" you there will be no need to have "game" or "play cute".

    The guy I am seeing thinks I am cute, and sometimes I just dont know why. I tend to want to look for alterior motives and not want to believe that he could sincerely think im cute and sexy, but even when I push him away he keeps coming back.

    I have alot of relationship damage at this point and I know it wont be easy for me to trust anyone, but if this guy is willing to keep trying, I am trying to keep my mind open to the possibility...and so the journey continues....p.s. I am a woman and I hope you consider me a friend, Sincerely, Sweet

  4. Cooking is easier when you don't know any of the rules.

    That sentence is a template as one ought to live their life.

  5. Savage,

    Progression towards being human? What am I now?

    I had no idea that you were that tall. You're so burly I assumed you were around my height, just because I can't imagine anyone being as built as you are. Crazy.


    I haven't been a blonde in years. I can only imagine the destruction (or, at least, confusion) I could cause if I went back to it.


    I've had this type of knowledge and focus on acquiring more of it for years, which is part of the reason why I hang out in specific parts of the blogosphere. It's very much part of who I am now, even if it wasn't when I was younger. I can't imagine discarding any of it.

    Having a man to play games with, to seduce and be seduced by, is something I want in a relationship. I place a good deal of value on that in my partners, for various reasons.

    Relationship damage is hard, I know I'm certainly not as past mine as I would like to be. But it's in progress, for the both of us. I do hope things work out with your man... I know it's hard to settle down and trust someone with so much of yourself.

    And of course you're a friend. We may have different value systems, but we're able to talk about them and respect each other. That's incredibly valuable to me.


    I thought that when I wrote it. If only I could truly apply it.

  6. "Unlearning" is the greatest but least acclaimed skill ever.

    It's the trademark of recovered alcoholics and other recovered addicts.

  7. SistaSage,

    I'm a regular Rosie the Riveter, hehe.


    I need to learn how to unlearn. I always get a headache when I try (in other areas).