Thursday, May 6, 2010

I keep feeling oddly lost.

Well, I've always been lost. It's just that I'm usually able to focus on something long enough for that feeling to fade.

Rick was right. Get me away from a male partner, whether casual or not, and... where am I? I don't know what do with myself or my time, and I panic, thinking that I need to get things done now or I never will.

That sense of aimlessness keeps claiming me, making me irritable, driving home the point that I've never been able to define myself or my goals. Or, rather, I've never been willing to articulate those goals because I "know" somehow that the minute I tell another person, those goals will be made impossible. Something always happens, it seems.

But, really, what can I do? Take some sort of quiz to tell me my life path? Find religion? My religion has been, for so long, a man in my bed, under my mouth and in my body. But that only lasts so long. We fade, people change. I wind up with a false idol.

Figures I'd be having one of those stereotypical quarter-life crises.

No matter what I do, no matter what I accomplish, I'm always going to make it less than it was, discount it, until I feel truly good about myself, overall. Rick says that I'm a good person, that that should be good enough, that that is all I need. I try to remind myself of that, and it's... an interesting mindset.

But it's hard to hold onto because "good" is so very relative.

Lately I've been feeling that everything I've been pushing for is just to make myself more ideal, more desirable, for a partner. It's always that way, I suppose. It's hard to shove aside what we're told we should be to be the best we can to what we want to be to be the best we are.

If that makes sense. There's a bit of duplications of words in that last sentence, but I think it reads right. Maybe.

I keep getting advice, which is what I want, to find out what it is that I should be doing. Who I should be becoming. Trying to figure out how people see me. Knowing that I have friends, so many friends, and trying to determine why they value me. Not to justify or rationalize their friendship, but just to understand how it works, what people perceive. If I communicate myself effectively.

GV8 kept telling me to relax, let go, stop analyzing everything in my path.

It's so hard to get into any one moment if my body isn't being overwhelmed by another's, or if there isn't a story being told to me in some fashion. Books, movies, blogs. Clinging to those distractions.

Wondering what I could do, where I would go (mentally) if left to my own devices, without responsibilities piling in, without my cell phone, without the internet.

If I'd ever figure this out.


  1. Hey.. stopped by to let you know I changed my blog address slightly. I wanted to get rid of 2 bitches who used to be friends and I didn't want to go to a private blog.