Monday, May 17, 2010

The things that you say that you do...

It's been a bit.

I know, I know. Six different kinds of fail. It's not like things haven't been happening, my life has suddenly grown dull. No, things are still chugging along, life is still odd, observations running full tilt, like they do. Still spending most of my time off in my head, watching the world.

It actually hasn't been that long. It only feels like it, I think, because of all the things I've been getting up to.

Kinda hard to cover them all. The experiences stack up and I only have short periods of time to allot to attend to them.

Family- my sister's exboyfriend phoned her with a suicide threat. After his mom called the cops, he admitted he only did it so they would get back together. Reminded me of the boyfriend I had when I was 17-18. He used to threaten suicide all the time, run off into the night saying he was going to throw himself into the nearest large intersection, but actually hide in the bushes. He was... 27, I think. A year older than I am now. Funny how then it seemed normal, and now it seems like crass idiocy.

Date- I have a date this weekend. No, not a serious one. Just a "get to know you" date. A "maybe we'll connect" date. Which I normally would've said no to, but when a man in his early forties with a shaved head who directs porn and owns a large loft/studio/warehouse/dungeon in downtown asks you out after you break up with a man in his early forties with a shaved head who has porn filmed in his large loft/studio/dungeon/adult club in Hollywood, you say yes.

Because I couldn't say no.

Because it's too goddamned silly.

And it cracks me up, in a way, because I am nowhere near as hot as the girls these guys see every day are, yet I'm the girl they ask out.

Win for me?

Work- training my assistant is... interesting. I'm trying out a new way to train and my boss wants me to document it so it can be implemented for future hires... assuming it's successful. The assistant himself is a total, total omega. At least in the way I view them, which may or may not be accurate to public opinion. He makes betas look alpha. It hurts. I want to take him to the kennel and teach him how to use newspaper instead of just making a mess everywhere when he "potties". He's a nice guy just... yeah.

Been talking with Roman a lot.

He's been going through some life upheavals.

It's... odd. I feel so connected to this man. Not necessarily in a romantic sense, but just, we get each other. We get each other in that basic way. So much so that we can actually talk to each other. About anything. Well, anything for me. He's still a bit hesitant. Doesn't matter. That driving urge for understanding I have so deep in me, that haunts me so much, he meets it.


He talks to me and I mellow out. My anxiety, my stresses, they leave my system and I feel like I can breathe again.

Hard to imagine I won't have his constant companionship soon.

But that's the way life goes.

I have a picture of my mother on her wedding day on my desk. She's holding her bouquet, smiling so widely, her dress pooling out around her. I have her smile.

I think she was twenty-three when she married my dad.

That's the way life went.

Twenty-three and so in love, so young, so inexperienced. They've been married over twenty-five years and the things they have gone through together are things that none of them had any inkling of when they met, when they married. My father danced at the wedding reception with his older sister, tall and blonde. Didn't know that a few decades later they'd find her body in the garage, a bullet in her brain.

Things move on. We just keep stringing ourselves through time, linked by experiences.

In a few years, I'll have lost friends to life, and I'll have gained new ones. I'll have dated and slept with men that I have yet to meet. Another broken heart, another experience to scribble about here, half-mad with exhaustion. Sweep me off my feet, then set me back on my heels.

There are people we connect with that we can't imagine not being there, in some capacity, for the rest of our conscious existence. Our parents are there from the moment we're born (usually) onward, our world is defined with them as part of it.

When they die, when they leave, what happens to our world? That role they filled can't be occupied by another.

To someone, somewhere, we truly are unique snowflakes. Common, but unmatched.

He asked me why I am so fascinated with him.

Am I supposed to say that every tone in his voice, I hear? Each word, each inflection, the shift in his moods comforts me. It's warm. It's like hearing every fantasy I've ever had come to life in a rough reality.

But it doesn't matter.

There are things that are real, things that will not be real. It doesn't matter how good you are, how true, how brave, there are things that will not be changed. It's not that they cannot be changed, but there are paths and dreams to follow, and friends wish you well, a smile, a hug, and hope that things work out to your fondest hopes.

Because they're nothing more to do.

And that's the way it goes.

To attempt to change it would be selfish, to demand more would be obscene.

I'll settle for what I have, keep ticking out these words, writing alone in my apartment, listening to the water run through the pipes and the traffic speed through the streets.

In the morning, I'll wake up, stretch, and keep living.


  1. There's a certain Vonnegut-esque to this post.

    I love the way you write and whenever you get your book out there I want a copy.

  2. Beautifully written and I am feeling the final paragraph today.

    I'm envious you found yourself a shaved head 40-something. If I had to guess (and I could be wrong) being a director of movies like he is, he desires a woman who's real.. not the "perfect by way of operation" types he's used to seeing. Just my thought anyway. I hope it goes well.

  3. So the thing I am wondering most about is how did you meet this guy? I mean if this is really the kind of man that you seek, why not go back to GV8? I thought you were trying to change direction in order to find a meaningful relationship with someone you could spend the rest of your life with....I am not judging here, I do the same thing. Pick the same sort of guy over and over, and it always ends.

    The last guy I was with for 5 years, his mom passed away 3 years into the realtionship and he did the whole threat to commit suicide thing. I even got him to admit he didnt really mean it. I had to end the relationship last October because I found out that he stole from me, and then that he had been doing crack. I could not tolerate him anymore.

    He has gone down hill ever since, and still blames me to this day for all his failures. He has forever altered the way I feel about relationships and "trust" and many other issues, I guess I am damaged goods. I do know that I am not responsible for his failures or his unhappiness. Doesn't make it any easier, and I invested 5 years in that relationship. He is in jail for the first time now, for multiple crimes, all related to doing crack.

    I agree that the experiences in our lives mold us into the person we become. As time goes on I feel stronger more determined to succeed and yet more vulnerable and guarded when it comes to the people in my life. I have a small handful of close friends and that is all. People I have known for 25 years, and then some I have known for 10, some I have known for 5. I keep up with them and I dont loose touch with them. I think of it as loyalty. Thanks for the post, Sweet

  4. TheSavage,

    Of course I'll make sure to float one your way.

    But I've never read Vonnegut. I know, I know, I suck.


    I think my current life is a potential series of 40-somethings. Shaved heads, head full of hair, I'm digging the age gap, at least aesthetically. The whole "mutual life-goals" thing is a complete fail, though.

    I think he has a disdain for the unintelligent, probably exacerbated by the women he works with on a daily basis (or so it sounds by his comments).


    I don't want to be in a relationship right now, really. This new guy, he's not what I would want for myself, long-term. He seems like a potential friend with benefits to get me through the next x-amount of months that I don't have to devote to a relationship. I'll never try to date his kinda again, eesh.

    Jeez, what a nightmare that must've been, all that time, energy, and emotion, for nothing, then for less than nothing when he turns to crack, crime, and anger. I hope you're doing more okay now, even if you feel like you are "damaged goods". The damage is only temporary, you'll get through it.

    Being careful with the people you keep close is a good thing. You need to know they are there for you, and you are there for them. Loyalty is so important.