Saturday, August 14, 2010

My brain has been a bit weird since late last night.

Which is normal, I suppose.

Last night was actually pretty wonderful. Well, it was nice, then it segued into pretty wonderful.

The pole dancing/fashion show... that was interesting. The hotel was okay, the pool was, as far as pools go, quite lacking. But the people watching (lots of women with a stripper/playboy bunny approach to clothing and make-up) was interesting enough.

What got me, out of all of it, was their approach to pole dancing. See, this was a pole dancing competition. And I don't mean a fun, "who can incite the most boners" approach, which is what I expected. I quickly came to learn that the competition for pole dancing is not for who is the most sexy (that actually seemed to be a bit frowned upon), who moves the best to the music (which was mostly ignored, making me question the word 'dancing' in the competition title), no, it was who can do the most impossible looking pose... and hold it.

It was basically a very slow moving gymnastics competition.

Unexpected. Unimpressed, for the most part. I love dancing, love watching others dance. There was one, maybe two girls, out of the entire evening that did anything remotely resembling moving to the rhythm.

So I got in my car and chugged on over to PD's place, texting him that I was on my way and quite aroused (not due to the dancers, thank you, just due to the thought of seeing him).

We have such an excellent connection. Being able to lie in bed with someone for hours and just talk, tease, and fuck... it's wonderful. Tickling, squealing, slapping... laughing and licking. He amazes me. He's such a good man or, at least, good to me. His personality is so wonderful, he's so goddamn smart and constantly makes me laugh, something I haven't had with a boyfriend before, though Rick came close.

It was lovely.

But then, somehow, the topic of money came up. How he is so far deep in debt we now have to lock the gate because his car might be in default. Months behind on rent, electricity and water bills in the high hundreds each month. The porn industry, at least as we know it, is dying. And he's left here, stress growing, little to no work... and I hate it.

I hate that I can't do anything about it. His bills probably hit somewhere between $9-10K a month. Anything I could do to help would be a drop in the bucket. A needle inserted into a haystack with no intent of removal.

I can't help and it kills me. I just sit and watch him stress.

I've always been the helpful one, who rushes into battle, who leaves the office at a phone call to go save the day or lend a hand. Give time, give money, give an ear and a shoulder.

Not here, not now.

I'm useless, or next to it.

Frustrating helplessness.

I'm a 26 year old college student with an income that covers my bills, covers my tuition, and allows me to save some. That's about it. I'm no trustfund baby, my parents have been in poor circumstances since Dad went batty last year and lost his job, I can't even help them.

Where I am in life does not afford it. They, PD and my parents, are in an entirely different income and debt bracket than I am. My debt is near laughable.

I keep thinking I could just speed up the book, dedicate my nights and weekends to it, to the research, the interviews, churn it out and someone, somewhere, will magically hand me money and I'll be able to fly in and fix everything that has gone wrong.

But that's not the way reality works. This isn't a course on wish-fulfillment.

And all I can do is be sweet and supportive, loving and nuturing, having faith that things will turn around for both parties. Somehow. Not contribute to the stress, if I can't take away from it.

Back to life.


  1. I feel where you're coming from. Not being able to help someone you love is a tough thing.
    I hadn't realized the porn industry has dropped aside from the magazine portion.

  2. I knew the "movie" side (anything distributed on discs) has taken a huge hit in the last ~12 months, but I was under the assumption that websites are doing as well as ever. Especially since I've found myself following the whole thing a lot more since March! ;D

    I'm kind of in a similar situation... while I did "real lawyer work" for a bit over a year and a half before coming back for the doctorate, my world seems awfully small when compared to my married friends and their home-hunting.

    p.s. looked at that one social networking site of late? ;)

  3. The Savage,

    Downloading is killing things. So few people seem to make "movies" anymore. PD says everyone is just looking for that 30 seconds that gets them off.


    I've been told that the only company really doing well is , and they're alternative porn. It's weird watching an industry shift and possibly collapse. Reading business blogs and idea blogs gives this odd angle to it, makes you wonder what's going to rise up from the ruins. Hehe, you probably know more about the state of the porn industry than I do, since I don't read anything about it, only listen to PD and his friends/co-workers.

    It's weird when your friends start getting married, having kids, buying property. Some of mine have, most of them haven't. Makes me wonder when the real turn over is going to start.

    And, yes, finally got to that social networking site. Whoops. ;P