Saturday, July 11, 2009

It'll be okay...

What a great way to start off the weekend.

Got at call at 10AM. It's GV8. Annnnnd... he's calling to let me know that he feels that our relationship isn't going anywhere particularly special, so while he's enjoying my company, he doesn't feel that we should continue to see each other as often as we do, and when we do see each other, it shouldn't be for the 24-hour long dates that we tend to have.


Yes, I know we weren't going to go anywhere. Over the last two weeks, I've realized that and noted it here.

But it was still unexpected, it still hurts, it still leaves me feeling rejected and disappointed, wondering if there was something I did wrong, something that put him off a little bit, something I said, if discussing the PUA of last weekend made him think that he did not want to be with a girl like me, a girl too analytical and too happy to play games.

I felt special when I was with him, safe and protected, and unique because such a man would want to be with me. His financial situation allowed me to feel like there was a safety net beneath me should something go wrong, even though we had been dating for such a short period. I was looking forward to the time we were going to spend running around Hollywood, exploring the city, meeting new people, going new places, seeing interesting things. I was looking forward to the parties at the loft, looking forward to seeing what that would turn into, and having my own keys to the place so I could stop in whenever I wanted, do what I wanted.

So disappointing.

This is what I mean when I talk about why I don't allow myself to dream, allow myself to fantasize for a future that I never get. Time and time again, life proves that if I allow myself to do optimistic long-term planning, things will never go the way they should, the way they do in my head.

I was special to someone unique, someone so out of the ordinary with such an odd background and way of handling the world. I wanted to learn from him, how do grab life and demand what I want out of it, like he does. I had the next year of my life set up as some sort of grand adventure due to him.

And now I really don't.

And, really, I shouldn't be relying on others for the grand adventures. I do them enough on my own. I just always feel like others have grander ones, go other places I've yet explored.

He says that he still wants to meet up, just not as often and for not as long, for the ravenous sex we have.

Fucking sigh.

I'm so used to my lovers wanting to spend time with me outside of the bedroom, to go out and explore and meet interesting people, do mutual friends introductions and so on. And GV8 wants to reign it in to just sex, and not as often.

Thanks for making me feel all special.

Useful for sex first, friendship second, company third. Good to know that I can help get your rocks off, but I don't actually have to talk.

I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm disappointed, I'm rejected, I'm raw.

I want to cry, but it's rare to have me cry from my own direct stimulus. If I feel sad, if I feel that build up of tears but it just won't come out, I have to pop in a sad movie to get the tears flowing because I just can't cry for myself.

I wonder if I'm more upset because of what his actions "say about me" or losing the potential wild future of the next year, of the access, of the lifestyle. I liked being "his girl". I liked the wandering we were doing around Hollywood. I liked meeting his interesting and unusual friends, and hearing stories of his crazy youth.

He says he still wants to meet up, but I have this normal fear/instinct that once I give him his laptop back (the one I'm using right now, as my laptop's wireless is fried), I'll never see him again. He'll quickly bow out. That he lied to me about wanting to continue to sporadically see me just so he can get this piece of electronics back.

I did not want a relationship. When I met GV8, I was under a self-imposed "no-new-sex-partners" rule because I was trying to focus on myself, trying to see what would happen if I did not allow myself to pick up men. Then I met him and he wowed me a bit.

Maybe that was part of it. That challenge, for him to break my rule. He's not the most law-abiding citizen.

And, really, I've seen that happen. I've had that happen to me, where I'll decide to go chaste for awhile, get my head on straight, and suddenly men are gunning for me more than ever, just so they can be the "special" one. I don't think GV8 did that, but I could be wrong.

I could always be wrong.

I'm almost without partners right now. I shed off my winter crew, save for Hardwood Floors (who is now touring the country), then spring came and I picked up SFPlayboy who is, well, in San Francisco. Couple of one-night stands, a couple of old flames, GV8, who was supposed to carry and be my main.


I'm now without a main. I have offers, but few of them really strike me. They don't send me over that hill of interest into oh-my-god-want.


I couldn't hold onto him, couldn't fake a lack of distance. Couldn't cover up that growing disconnect. And he wasn't content to just let things stay as they were because he's a very, very busy man and for him to lose every Saturday night and Sunday day to me really took a chunk out of his schedule.

You make time for what you want to make time for.

He no longer wants to make time for me.

Or not as much time. We'll see. I figure that this is the end of the road, once I give him his machine back.

Too bad.

Tonight, I was going to go see that band I enjoyed so much the other night out in Silverlake. I don't think I am going to do so now. I need to sit and think, need to go to ground, need to lick my wounds and spend time at home. I do so little of the latter.

I have to stop by my college and drop off some transcripts. I need to go by a bookstore and pick up some study guides for the tests I have to take. I wanted to go catch a particular movie down at a little indie theater in the area. "In the area" is used loosely here.

Sigh. What a pain. Not a pain as in an annoyance, but pain as in it hurts. I've been hurt worse, much worse, enough so that this is really a scratching on my brain that will fade within the next week or so. Maybe sooner. I think it's a combination of the feeling safe for once, with the feeling special, with the financial security, with the loft and exploring, that really knock it out of the park for me.

If he had just been a normal guy, if he hadn't offered this world, this wouldn't hurt so much. It's like I stepped out of being just another girl and into being more, that someone recognized that I have so much in me, and reached down to pull me out of the standard existence for once, that I shone through.

And now I don't.

Back in the pit for you.

Back to that chanting in the back of my head, that I'll never be good enough. Enough for what? Enough for me. That I'll never meet my own standards, that I'll never get the life I want. That my dreams are laughable not because they're so fantastical, but because I am the one doing the dreaming.

Back in the pit.

Back to being just a little bit off, but not off enough to go join the others. Just a strange girl that isn't strong enough to cast everything to the wind and leap for her heart's desires. I was raised in fear, it's what I know, it's what I fight with so much.

Will I ever have the confidence to take the jumps I want to take?


  1. ouch indeed. sorry to hear about that. i recall your first reaction to the party-hostess-for-a-year proposal, though, was to say no -- right? and plan A was to get your masters anyway, so from a practical standpoint you're back where you were a few weeks ago, with a pretty good plan. rejection still a bummer but life goes on.

  2. You described your relationship with GV8 as open at his suggestion and that he has had a very large number of sex partners, he tells you (5x your number or so). You've obviously acted on open since being with him, and were planning to do DP with him and SFPlayboy. The last in person talk you had with him before he gave you the semi breakup phone call you described your game playing with a PUA who presumably you did have sex with.

    Was he actually acting on the openness as well with other women? It's strange that you never mentioned anyone else he ever saw or FFM threesome events or possibilities etc. though you do refer to planned swinging with him with no details that I saw looking at posts tagged with him name.

    I'm just wondering if either another girl is pulling him more or he's not actually liking the feeling of your acting so much on the female open thing.

    You seem to be treating it as something entirely to do with his no games philosophy clashing with your liking to play them some. That just feels off to me, given how much you two seemed to hit it off. The distance you were feeling and the sense that he wasn't THE one after all you seemed to mostly ascribe to your feeling that you couldn't complete share the games part of you.

    Maybe it was really the extent of your enjoying playing away from him? That made him want to protect himself from feeling too much and there keep you at fuck buddy with more restricted time for that reason?

    Maybe you've thought all this through more clearly than it's come through to me reading about it.

    He had actually seemed like quite a good thing for you to me.

    Anyway, I'm asking this because you're interesting and open and very sexual.