Saturday, July 11, 2009

Was at Best Buy getting my laptop fixed, being helped by a rather attractive gentleman with a full right sleeve. Gorgeous forearms, golden skin, blond hair. Delightful.

Flirting with him, having him seemingly return my interest, it made me feel better, made me feel happy, lifting the weight of the break with GV8 off of me.

As I drove home, laptop on the seat beside me, I realized that the only reason I was feeling better was because, by doing what he did, by rejecting me, GV8 made me feel undesirable. So I sought desire elsewhere, in order to validate myself, in order to show myself that other men, men I find attractive, find me attractive as well.

That nothing is wrong with me.

That GV8 did not see some piece in me that was so unattractive that he had to push away, had to escape.

Which is silly. This man at Best Buy can only judge me by looks and initial interaction. Surface stuff. He doesn't know me, he only proves that my witty banter and body are attractive. It's superficial validation, validation that truly does nothing.

Validation that I should be able to do for myself.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I could validate myself, that I could always see the value, the attractiveness, in myself. That I did not need others to do it for me. That when someone rejected me, I would not doubt myself, that I would know that sometimes things don't work out (and in GV8's case, it was a mutual thing) and that has nothing to do with my worth as a person.

That I wouldn't seek male attention when I am feeling undesirable. That I wouldn't put on this act that is part of me but not all of me, that dance that tells them they want me, that I am everything, that I could please them, treat them, worship them, if they can prove they're worth it.

This is unhealthy.

This is typical behavior. Not just for me, I know.

I'm better than this.

I need to move past this, need to remember who I am, and whose opinions matter.

I wrote something in one of my journals, a paper journal, actually, some months ago. I was feeling very down last month and I read it, felt better.

1-12-09 725pm

Tension headache.

Remember this.
Walking around town at 4AM, unsure of reception, not knowing where to sleep, covering miles of street.

Remember this.
The feeling of unreality as he breaks your heart, your mind, during pillow talk.
The pain.

Remember this.
His skin, his warmth. He has no answers for you, but the bed is comfy and so are his eyes.

Remember this.
Driving up the 5 freeway, 120 miles an hour, flying free with the ocean on your left shoulder, wind whispering promises in your hair.

Do not forget you are the sum of your experiences, memories shape you like clay.

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