Thursday, July 23, 2009

O Sailor, why'd you do it, what'd you do that for?

Last night was... amusing. Unexpected. Odd.

I had the brilliant idea of attempting to remember all of my sex partners, and then other partners where I did not have sex with, but did have significant sexual contact, or impacted me in some way.

I have not been able to keep track of this for a few years now, so I knew it would be a challenge.

But C, another friend, and I, had plans to meet some other friends and acquaintances for dinner in Silverlake, which meant I ended up propping myself up at one end of the table, my paper journal open in front of me, playing with the end of my pen with my lips and tongue as I, Winnie the Pooh-style, drummed my fingers and went, "Think, think, think."

C was flirting with her boyfriend (she and Crosser decided to be friends for now, due to a drunken threesome they had with his primary partner last weekend that weirded the girl out entirely too much, as she isn't secure in their relationship right now, as they recently opened it) and the friend we came up with, her boyfriend and I were cuddling while I wrote, and I was occasionally doing my usual dry humor, interjecting at appropriate moments.

Think, think, think.

I remembered things I had forgotten, but there was still a good two or three year period where I was drawing a blank.

This was frustrating, and as I continued to list and lip my pen, people kept trying to peer over my shoulder, read my notes, ask me what I was doing.

By the middle of dinner, people were going through the alphabet, listing out male names, hoping to jog my memory. It did work, some. It also made me laugh way too much and, after an hour or so, I put the journal to one side.

During this, I gained the attention of a decently attractive blond. We started talking, as a group, but he continued to seek me out. Even when the conversation splintered into sub-groups, he would still be listening to me with one ear, looking for my opening, trying to draw my attention. Standard things such as continued eye contact, catching him looking at me while I was engaged with someone else, him asking me to email him. Normal, basic things.

I was pleased. He had an above average body, a decent face, and he was decently intelligent. Above average, maybe more, if we talked more.

I would not have thought anything of it, but before the group became so animated, before attention was focused on me, they had been discussing a Christian Slater movie called "The Heathers", and how another member of the group should watch it. Opinions were asked for, and while I was telling them I found it romantic, others were calling it a dark comedy. Which it is.

But I also find it romantic.

C and our mutual friend just looked at me, one of them said something along the lines of, "Yeah, you would find that romantic."

I tried to explain to them, about finding someone just as damaged as yourself. Someone that is torqued in the way you are, rather, in a complimentary way. They referenced the cigarette lighting scene, and I told them that was exactly what I meant. She burns herself, he lights his cigarette in the heat. Perfect.

Of course, then he tries to kill her.


Finding someone who is a greater beast than yourself. A bigger monster.

Wolfboy, he has a reputation for being insanely good with the women. He has sex and more sex. He's the group badass, the damaged rebel, the recovered addict, the tragic romantic. As we would cuddle, talk, and fondle, we would compare techniques of seduction. Our natures matched so well, the need to be hunting.

But I was always better. My numbers doubled his, my successes and techniques covered a wider range than his. And I was smarter. Less damaged, or at least more able to maintain, than he. More in control of my life and myself, more able to direct what I was doing, and to control situations.

I'm straying a bit.

Combined with the movie discussion, earlier that day, I had a date cancel on me.

I... occasionally do things that I loosely call man-projects, or guy-projects. Where I meet a guy with a lot of potential, a good personality, but something about their sexuality is off. They may just have issues with sex, they may be inexperienced with sex, they may have had a horrible experience (or several) with a woman.

So I talk to them, I learn their issues, and then I start spending time with them, usually sleeping with them, coaching them, complimenting their body with words and touches if it is needed, making sure that the sex is relaxed and good, that errors in judgement or motion are corrected and treated as they are- inconsequential. Laughter is key. Making them comfortable with themselves is key. Making sure they can understand and communicate their desires, needs, and comfortability... major.

Sometimes this lasts for a few days, and they get a little weirded out by it. Sometimes this last for a few weeks. Sometimes months.

My favorite one, hands down, is my friend who is getting married in September. We spent so much time together, working with his issues regarding his body and sex (bad ex-girlfriend). And, after several months, he was okay. He was on the road to being good with himself, to being happy and healthy with such a key part of his life.

Eventually he met the woman who he decided to make his wife.

I still haven't met her, but I am going to their wedding. The invite is sitting on my nightstand.

I was 20 when I met him, and all of this happened.

Sidetracked a little again.

So I met a man a few weekends ago who I thought would make a good man-project. And he agreed, we started working on it. It was going slowly, but well. We planned to go out this Friday, but he sent me a text saying that he didn't think we had much in common, didn't see this going anywhere.

I specifically communicated with him, and he agreed, that I was going to get him to relax around women. That I would teach him how to flirt, kiss, and touch. That was it. No future plans, no relationship in the works. Simply potential friends working together.

Yes, I know, I know, I'm an oddball that I do this (I'm an oddball anyway, actually). I just see a need for it, and offer it when I can.

But he was nervous. I did get him to calm down in my presence, but I think the time spent away allow the anxiety to mount. Maybe. I don't know. I don't pretend to really understand anyone's logic but my own (and even then, not always my own).

I was mildly hurt, and surprised. I got over it quickly, though.

...and all this leads back to the blond guy at dinner that I found decently attractive, I swear.

So I was flirting with him, basking in his attention, and I was suddenly hit with the text message from the potential man-project, with GV8's dislike of the pick-up, and with the beast/dark romance I find in "The Heathers". That made me think of all the times I've had to subdue parts of myself, the darker parts, that make men uncomfortable, that predatory nature, the near-sociopathic analyzing of everything and everyone around me and how best to move them in my life.

In a man, this is usually acceptable, or at least okay, behavior. This is logical man-thinking, whatever. In a woman, I've found, people tend to view it as sociopathic and manipulative.

And it irritates me that I seem to have this near perfect blend of those tendencies and my need to be compassionate, kind, and helpful.

So I thought of those things, of meeting men in the past who loved my external nature. Who told me I sparkled, that I was unique and magnificent. Brilliant and funny, clever, witty, exciting, intelligent, so different than other girls. And then, as they got to know me, and found the things that exist underneath... they realized that we just didn't match. That there is something swimming beneath my currents that makes them uneasy.

And then they leave.

And it hurts, because I am not just the beast. They should know me that well.

But then the suddenly knowledge of those darker waves, something that they had no inkling of before, it's really no wonder.

The ones that don't leave, they become boyfriends. Beacuse they have those same beasts in them. But then they realize that, with all my strength, I'm still battling with self-esteem problems, that our mutual fixation on being strong... I'm not as strong as they are. Because I date older. Because I date men who are more experienced than me, who have lived longer, done more, had time to establish themselves.

And I haven't.

Then they look down on me. Because I'm weak, compared to them. When you toss in my need to submit and serve, it becomes even worse.

And then they leave.

Only Rick understood.

So I found myself looking across the table at this bright man, realizing that even though he finds me attractive, finds me desirable, we have only the external in common. And any time spent pursuing him, or getting him to pursue me, will only end as he realizes that I'm more and less than what he sees.

Because he's not my kind.

... ... ... ...

Side Note: as I re-read this after I posted it, checking for typos and my tendency to dance between tenses, I realized that the likely reason that I am not even bothering to look for a relationship, that I'm viewing men as potential companions and lovers only, is because of how I am. Men, currently, can only feature in my life as lovers, one-night stands, or friends. Because nothing else works, and it becomes increasingly unlikely that it ever will.


  1. Isn't it be more parsimonious to assume that the guys who leave you for being a Beast think you are a total slut and seek a girl with less compulsive sexual behavior and the guys who leave you despite sharing The Best leave you because they got all the options in the world and will never settle down?

  2. I suppose it could be, yes. But I don't think it is. The "total slut" card, as you call it, is down on table from the get go. It isn't new and exciting information to them. It isn't what makes the look on their face change from adoration to shock and dismay.

    The guys who go, despite sharing those qualities... if they are anything like me, and they are, they focus on strength and finding a partner that can match them. To show weakness lessens respect, lessens the idea of having a true partner by their side, weakens the relationship has a whole. They may never settle down, true.

  3. You're still off.

    The former kind of guy is not leaving because they find out about your promiscuity - they knew about it and therefore never planned to stay for long. Give any guy the choice between a virgin and a whore and you will see a great example of evolutionary psychology at work.

    And the other guys are not looking for a match or strength or whatever, either. That is female psychology (and therefore sounds a lot like rationalization). Weakness is feminine and not incompatible with male attraction. Guys enjoy the feeling of being the stronger half. You know, the whole protector thing - evoked by clumsy walk in high heels and stuff.

  4. What I know of the evolutionary psychology angle, I support. Do you have any book recommendations that would go further into this?

    I don't know if they never planned to stay for long. Possibly. Possibly not. When you have some guy swearing up and down, for months, that you're the girl for him, and even if you don't sleep with him, he grows to realize that, wait, something's wrong here... I don't think that supports your argument. I'm sure some of them were just there for the sex, and planned to bail when something better came along. But I don't think all of them were.

    How is that female psychology? It did not sound like rationalization to me at all. And the people I know that are most likely to engage in rationalization are male. I have had ex-boyfriends flat out tell me that what attracted them to me was my supposed strength, and what lost them was when they realized I wasn't as strong as they thought. I do know that weakness is considered feminine, but I also do know that nearly all of the men I've gotten into a relationship with have been obsessed with strength, and that that drew them to me. It's been a very, very common theme.

  5. Think about it. Guys don't ever fantasize about Margaret Thatcher or Hillary Clinton because their strength made them "hot".

    What really happens is we get sexually attracted to someone and time, endowment and/or scarcity of options triggers the release of oxytocin, i.e. the feeling of "love". But I have yet to meet the person who claims to love someone because of the money spent on dates and presents or because there is no one else to fuck. Instead, we make up our own little stories about what is "different" or "special" about the other person.

    In the same vein, biology will unequivocally get guys to see a woman's promiscuous sexual past as her biggest flaw. There is a reason that women lie about their "number". Prostitutes have a hard time getting married - especially by guys who are attractive enough to get any woman they want.

    It's just a suggestion to re-examine your life using this alternative framework to the fold psychology we use to lie to ourselves. See how well it fits. How many guys saw you as short term fuck material - and how many "fell for you" because they have a hard time getting sex at all? And is there anything left over that doesn't fall into these two categories?

  6. I don't know, I've heard there's a good chunk of Margaret Thatcher erotica out there...

    And, man, you're more cynical about this whole thing than I am. Point to you. I'll have to think more on that creation of stories about the other person. I always accredited those to the intense infatuation people feel when they meet someone a few times, but not towards any sort of extended interaction.

    The problem is, with your framework, is that, over the years, most of the men I've slept with -I- have considered short term fuck material, and told them as such. If there were pre-stated intentions, how does that factor in? Of course they're going to consider me a short-term fuck if I tell them that's what I'm going to be. The ones that fall for me tend to be, as you said, betas who have a hard time getting sex at all (and certainly don't get it from me), and the leftovers are the men I actually make boyfriends, who tend to run alpha or loner.

    Now you're making me wonder how many of those beta males would have fallen so hard if they hadn't incorrectly viewed their chances with me as higher due to my reputation. It would certainly explain how many of them get angry and defensive when I have to shoot them down. Seeing me as attainable to so many, but not to them, combined with the "love" feelings, ouch.

  7. I'm attracted to women who have their shit together. 11minutes might respond that I must be feminine or something. ;) And there's certainly more to attraction and "love" than self-rationalizing and physical desire. Personality is very important. Which reminds me that one must be careful in listening to pick-up artists and their psychological/philosophical ramblings. People like Roissy and Roosh are practically adolescents.

    I would agree with 11minutes that the boyfriends aren't leaving because you aren't strong. It's probably a combination of clinginess, sexual history, attractiveness, ect...

    Incidentally, here's an article on the "sexual double standard" ( It says manwhores and sluts are judged equally to a fair degree.

  8. I do love to read Roissy's ramblings. Roosh, I don't care for his writing style.

    When they started dating me, they were well aware of my sexual history. And attractiveness stayed the same. Clinginess, I engage in for about two months, somewhere near the beginning of the relationship, though I do my best to control it. After we pass that point, clinging stops.

    When men tell me that I'm not as strong as they thought I was, and that's why they lost interest, I will take them at their word. I date interesting men with interesting psychological set-ups because we understand each other and share similiar values. So I do believe them.

    And I will read over that article after lunch, thank you for providing it.