Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Will you light the lamp, dear?

As I was driving into work this morning, I was thinking.

Which is nothing new. I do it entirely too much.

And then the "durrrrrr" realization hit me:

The reason why I act like I do, with other people, where I create a space where they will not be judged and they will be, as much as I can, understood, is because I so desire that space from other people.

My very "seduction style" of the masculine dandy, one that I engaged in before I ever read The Art of Seduction, came about because I tend to think like a man. Well, more like a man than most girls. And that enabled me to wiggle my way in past all the shields and acts that men put up for women in order to be desirable.

I mean, sit me down with a guy, and he will generally start pouring himself out to me. I hung out with a guy a few months ago who had no problem opening up and detailing his embarassed/amused love of prostitutes to me, and the experiences in massage parlors, all the while whispering to me "But don't bring this up to -----" (which was a friend of mine he had been hitting on).

He couldn't tell her. He couldn't be himself. He didn't feel comfortable in revealing those parts of himself to a potential mate/sex-partner. So we were at a concert, and he was leaning over, talking about the strippers he's fucked, the best massage parlors in LA, his months and months of prostitutes, and every time my friend came back, he'd switch topics immediately and I'd be left giggling like an idiot watching him change gears.

Heartbreak, embarassing sex moments, self doubts, loss of virginity, masturbatory experiences, prostitutes/massage parlors, incest, bestiality, childhood crushes, general sexcapades, drunken tomfoolery, homosexual experiences, bizarre sexual fantasies, I've heard them all.

And you'd think I would have realized by now, why I was doing this.

I mean, when I was first entering the world of sex, I knew that if I wanted to please my partner, I had to follow his lead. Touch him like he touched me, kiss him like he kissed me, because we do to others what we want for ourselves. Rough, soft, lots of tongue, nails, teeth, groping, you mirror as much as you can to become in tune with your partner's desires.

And I did not stop to think that this could apply to me on more than a sexual level.

Even though I'm more than aware that people, in general, give what they want to receive (or give what they think will get them what they want to receive), even on a social level.

I offer what I do, to the men I do, because I want it so badly for myself.

And I want someone to recognize that and provide it for me. Unfortunately, understanding has to come from another person. I cannot provide it for myself, except in daydreams and fantasies involving fictional shadowmen.

So there you go.


  1. Great post and insight. Might fairly be said to apply to us all. So ... do you seek out guys like that? Who could, by their natures and characters, provide that? And are those traits at all related to your attraction buttons?

  2. I could write an essay on those topics, sir.

    Most people are damaged in some way, so there isn't too much seeking involved, most of the time.

    When I do, however, see someone (or overhear them, or read a blog or book) that has passed beyond the boundaries of typical damage (but not into the "I'm a raving looney" damage), I'm almost always immediately attracted.

    My typical lust is reserved for men like Henry Rollins and, if you've not read any of Rollins' stuff, Benedict Smith (fellow blogger, I'm sure you've seen him in the PUA community).

    You get these incredibly intelligent guys that, for whatever the reason, are functional (like me), but are these walking balls of wreckage. I like this, because when I meet guys like that, we tend to understand each other on a basic level. And we run too intense for most people, which is normal, so I don't have to hold back my thoughts (which is a relief). The sex tends to be wild and rough, I've yet to meet one of those guys that was not a dom, or at least had strong dominating tendencies. They have experience, too. They have had to learn control over themselves, they have had to learn how to blend and function. They don't panic in emergencies.

    Those are things I value highly.

    So, yes, most of those guys can provide the understanding I seek. I'm lucky, in a way. It's easier to find men like that than women. Pick up any of Rollins' books and you'll find him bemoaning the fact that he meets women and, every so often, will open up to them and overwhelm them. They'll never get it, never get him. He's alienated and isolated, brutal and honest, which is why I love his writing so much.

    So... yes, yes, and yes.

    You continue to find the most appropriate links.