Body is sore, though not nearly as bad as it was after that threesome that was followed up by a morning of cross-fit. I did love how I could hardly move between the bruises on my skin and the muscle tension, propping myself up against a wall in the SFO airport waiting for my flight.

Last night was spent mired in Shakespeare. I felt like I was drowning in asshattery poorly disguised in flowered verse. Deception, I don't understand. Villany for the sake of villany I also do not understand. I need a motive. Much Ado About Nothing, both the book followed by the movie, left me annoyed. The wordplay, his puns, the innuendo, was lovely.

The characters, their failings, and the complete inability anyone could have in relating to them, was not.

Heart of Darkness was so much better. My bare feet kicked over the side of a leather armchair at Starbucks, highlighter alternately dangling from my fingers or my lips, happily burying myself in a battle between lofted civilization and the internal darkness of man, the changes that take place, but on the inside, as the good doctor told Marlowe.

Now that, that was a book.

I've started Chopin's The Awakening in order to free up the coming weekend and actually read my pleasure books. East of Eden and A Preferred Blur have been tossed by the wayside (the backseat of my car) until reading can resume.

Finished my paper last night, post-phonecall from GV8, discussing where he is, what he wants. Ever the pleaser, I tell him to tell me his desires, and I will act accordingly. More time spent will, uncontrollably, mean emotions entangled no matter what I wish to do because I've violated my own set rule: not to make lovers out of men you would actually date. So I tell him this, that if he is willing to explore that again, after calling a halt on our progression towards a relationship, then he needs to inform me. And if he does not wish to do so, we need to continue spending the amount of time we already do, so I do not get entangled with him.

If that happens, I will need to pick up another partner. I will need to pull back from him and exert balance in my life with a man of equal value, if I can find one that suits.

My monogamous nature, such as it is, makes this hard.

When I attach, I lose interest in others. I have no need for outside partners, unless it pleases the one I am with.

Which means, right now, while I would be able to have sex without issue with Playboy or HWF, because I have been with them before and repeatedly, a new partner makes me uncomfortable. I would have to break myself of that, make myself uncomfortable, and sleep with someone, like Ev, that I know would please me, once I got over this internal distaste in touching men other than GV8 or those previously established.

And Ev still is pursuing.

But I will not know what to do with that until GV8 determines what it is he wants.

It bothers me that I'm such a pleaser. That he has shown me what kind of man he is, and I can do nothing but adore, as much as I wish I would not. Someone so strong, so dominant, so experienced... I'm drawn in. He will let nothing defeat him and he has no fears.

So I'll sit and play, sit and wait. See what he does.

And we'll see what happens.