Sunday, August 30, 2009

Taking a break to express a moment of glee.

GV8 wants to see more of me. A week ago I mentioned my feelings of jealousy towards his other partners, and that I wasn't as ambivalent to him as I wished to be (all true), and that got him thinking.

I was hoping it would.

So we've been texting and calling more and more, me still obeying my rule I have in place with him: even exchange of initiating texts. If I'm the last one to start a conversation, I will not start one again.

And it works. It works well.

Communicating to him where I am at, what I want, what I do not want... he seems to admire it, desire it, respect it.

So he wants to see more of me. The distance he initiated is not doing it for him. I have been getting hints of this more and more, and was starting to wonder if I was imaginging things.

But I've been following my instincts with him. Being careful and cautious, listening to his word choice, his tone, watching how long it takes him to text me, how he picks up the phone, if he's talking just to be talking with me, as opposed to talking to relay information.

This is the first time I've tried to do this. The long-term game, as it were. Usually I get pursued without wanting to be pursued, or it just falls into my lap. This is me consciously looking at something, and knowing that I want it and taking the steps to have it long term.

Hopefully this will work. Our schedules are so demanding, him with his business and his loft, me with my school, work, and social life. Trying to balance it out. And he's trying to make more time for me.

He wants me. Beyond the sex. He wants me.

I hope this doesn't go down in flames. He's not sure how he wants me, just that he wants more of me. This push/pull game that I've not intentionally been playing, especially this weekend, when I had to cancel on him due to an impending cold, that really seemed to get to him. I was worried it would have negative impact, and sincerely regretting having to tell him I was not going to be joining him for fun and frolic.

It's odd. He... he doesn't know what he wants with me. Only that he does. He seems caught in this space where he knows he wants to see me more, but he's unwilling to commit, to tangle up with me on an emotional level. And, with a man like him, one who seems to make up his mind when it comes to others and stay with it, that must be frustrating and unsettling, to not know what he wants, not fully.

Not sure how to go with this.

But I'm seeing him Thursday, meeting up at the loft.

We'll see how things pan out, at least get a general idea.

He's so much easier to read through text, though. His written word... he can't do his usual poker face. He's oddly charismatic, not in a normal way. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed by how confident and actualizing he is in person. But he doesn't seem to know what his word choice via text reveals.

Anyhow, I'm in the middle of a paper. I need to finish this thing and get to bed.

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