Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Just realized...

I wanted to go over to C's place and write tonight. Not write about my growing (and probably hormonal-related) anger, but just write.

And then I realized that I feel that I can't write when I'm angry. I think it makes my words fall apart, that it kills my structure and makes everything look incredibly unpolished.

I can't write when I'm mad.

I don't know how to do it so I like it.

How odd.

It cripples me because I'm so not used to experiencing long periods of anger, and I don't know how to work with it aside from rant and rave. I don't know how to make it beautiful, at least to my eyes.


1 comment:

  1. are you sure this is hormonal-related anger, and not just stress? there seems to be a lot going on: school starting with new workload and commute, busy at work with crazy asian boss, recent death in the family and funeral, and uncertainty over GV8, which may be what's giving you the anger edge. try to get those 8 hours this week and zone out/relax when you can. do things you like - er, maybe friday's sessions will do it for you.

    re GV8, obviously you wrote what you feel and that's authentically what it is, but ... did he really burn you that badly? he called you on what he perceived as your cold pickup style, based perhaps on how it reflected on him. two weeks went by, he thought better of it, and started moving toward a better understanding of you. (or at least, missing the sex and/or companionship.) i mean, you're not the easiest person to get a handle on, and if it took him a few weeks to wrap his mind around how you think and behave... well, that shouldn't be a fatal blow for a potential relationship. now if your feeling of incompatibility is based on something *other* than that slight, then yeah. did you udnerstand him right away? are there things you know/think now that are different than when you first met? all relationships evolve...