Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Anger is still running high, something unusual for me. I blame my body for this, with its female hormone fluctuations, and its need of at least eight hours of sleep a night which annoys me because I don't want to be sleeping that much, and I certainly wouldn't if I had any say in the matter.

I found myself pining for SFPlayboy and his roughness, his unwillingness to take any of my crap, his complete ease at restraining me, at throwing me around, his cocky attitude and so very masculine presence.

I wanted that today. I wanted a rough rape scene to calm me down, something to get this anger out of my head, out of my body. If I had time, I would run. I would put on my sneakers and exhaust myself, exhaust my body.

But I don't. Something I have very little of is time. School has been in session for three weeks now, and my friends continue to call, text, and email. I feel like I'm on a leash.

A very short one.

And I want to go play.

Friday, GV8 and I are supposed to go out. Or rather, stay in, exhaust ourselves, go get some food and rest for a short while, and then exhaust ourselves again.

But I don't want to. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone. I'm on edge and it's taking too much effort to keep myself in control, which is making me more, so much more, angry because I'm resenting the people around me, people I don't even know, because I'm having to play nice.

I don't want to see him and have to do the same, and hope that my irritation does not bleed through, that my control is good enough, which I doubt it will be. It will taint it.

Also creeps in is this growing realization that he isn't something I want long-term. Well, as a relationship. Lover, yes. Relationship... I think after being burned by him, my trust in him, the security I found in his presence, is damaged. And that's not something that easily comes back for me. I'm not sure if it ever has, in the past.

But... I could always be wrong. My memory isn't quite the best.

Work has been difficult the last few days, trying to keep it under control. My boss is incredibly prone to moodswings, but since he's the owner's son, I just get to take it. This week has been a downswing. You can imagine how much this has added to my mood.

My coworkers know me as this bright, silly, happy, upbeat kinda girl. It's a show I've been putting on for the last two years because it's easier. Because I don't have my usual position of power, which aggravates me, so I feel powerless and I cannot let my actual personality out because it would be too dominant and throw the social balance the office has, not to mention not suit my position at all.

Going from being what was, essentially, the most influential regional manager in one company, where I ended up having to train my own, national-level, manager, as well as his underlings, running the busiest location we had, to working with and engineering teams of doctors, nurses, and pharmacists all over the country, to this... it's painful.

I'm not used to this. I'm not used to being in such a low spot on the totem pole, to having no power, no credit, being the whipping boy for a near bipolar boss, one that will never get reprimanded for his behavior and lack of management skills because he's part of the family.

When he shouted across the office today to let me know I had done something wrong, something so inconsequential, something that didn't even need to be mentioned because it did not matter in any way, shape, or form, it was because he needed to scold. It had no point other than emotional satisfaction for him.

So, what did I do?

Put on my best beta-bitch sappy smile, cracked a silly, self-depreciating joke, and went about my business like I wasn't imagining what would happen to him if his daddy wasn't the big boss.

That happened repeatedly today.

Smile, duck your head, go about your business.

Nothing to do about it, save find another job.

Speaking of, I should probably be looking into that right now.

1 comment:

  1. the economy is trickling down to affect a lot of us in a myriad of ways. i feel the dull soulcrushing grind of the corporate world and knowing that i have to just take it like a clown at a children's birthday party day in and day out.