Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Oobi Doobi Magic Crap

Anti-socialness spurred by exhaustion, with the depression shaken and stirred in.

I've hit this frustrated spot.

I'm trying to write. I'm trying to convey these moments that I enjoy, these ideas, these feelings, and it feels like it's just not working. That people aren't getting it.

And I know it's up to the interpretation of the reader, and I shouldn't get so frustrated by it, that my words are being mis-read, misunderstood, mistaken, but it makes me not want to write because I know whatever I'm going to put out there, 99% of people are not going to get it.

And of that 99%, 11% are going to write to me to tell me how much they get it and how wonderful it is and how close we are in spirit and how we should meet and how we should date and they don't feel so alone anymore and I'm sitting there, staring at the screen going "Oh holy fuck, get off me."

Not exactly friendly.

But, it's so frustrating. I thought words were supposed to be my "thing". That's what everyone has said for so long. Well, what good is it if I can't convey basic feelings? What good is it if I speak or write and no one understands it?

And I know I'm writing for me, this journal is for me, and if people enjoy it, I think that's great because I like to feel not quite so alone and unread, and some of the people that read my stuff, here and elsewhere, are really freaking cool.

But I feel betrayed by myself and by them when I hear these interpretations of my behavior or my thoughts that are so very, very wrong. Is that how you see me?

I used to be so fascinated by how people saw me. Not because I wanted to have people tell me how great I was (or how not-great), but because I think different views are fascinating and part of knowing yourself is knowing how you present yourself. And I'm all about self-knowledge.

For instance, I had no idea until last year that the reason why so many people keep their distance from me at clubs is because they find me intimidating and aloof, which I still don't see, but I've heard it enough, especially after I make friends with someone there, that I'm starting to accept it.

It didn't make me change my behavior, mind you. But I became aware of it.

(insert "the more you know" rainbow here)

This whole thing is making me not want to write, not want to talk, not want to email, because I just can't handle being misunderstood right now and I have no idea why it is bothering me so much, aside from the idea that if I can't communicate something with words, then I'm a failure and I should even bother writing. I should just keep my stories and experiences bottled up in me because if I ever bother to write them all down, I'll end up having to interact with people like that fratboy from the other night, at Denny's, when I was trying to write.

I don't want to deal with that. Closedminded people drive me up the wall, and people who don't realize that they're viewing everything through their own filter of their experiences, that lack of awareness on their part... I can't deal with it right now. I'm too tired, I'm too stressed.

And I caught myself doing the filter viewing last week. I was reading this amazing blog, thinking to myself, "Wow, we're so similiar, I could really understand this guy." And then I realized, no, no we're not. I'm reading his stuff through my own eyes and seeing what I want to see and drawing my own conclusions and I need to cut that out right now because it's beyond creepy and annoying.

So, yes. I've withdrawn into my cave and I will come out and post and go to work and flirt with that tattooed rockabilly hottie in my classes, but I've really got to ratchet things down until I get off of my bitchy anti-social podium because I almost, almost, almost went into full-on bitch mode with this guy in my class tonight because I just wanted a verbal sparring partner and I needed that mental smack around to release the aggression that is building inside me, and he had no idea what was going on and I had to cool off very fast.

I slip when I'm tired.

Tomorrow, class.
Thursday, C+friends.
Friday, GV8.
Saturday, hair-dye, arms waxed, pedicure(?), dad's birthday dinner, friend's birthday party, write a paper, read a book for class, read a play for the other class, write a paper for that class on the play.
Sunday, wedding, more reading, more writing for school, maybe tv-marathon with my friend.

Maybe I'll fit sleep in there somewhere so I don't turn into a raging unstable hosebeast.

Probably not.

At least I'm not going into the office at 7AM tomorrow like I did today. I'd like to avoid ever doing that again if at all possible.



  1. you're awesome. the cave is a great place to refresh and renew and not have to defend yourself and your choices. sadly, there's no remedy for douchebags, though i personally like turning their opinions against them by connecting their opinions to their own insecurities (it's hard for them to keep up the judgment charade when i've just pointed out to them how clearly terrified they are of my freedom).

    i like reading your blog because i like what it brings up in me: pride in my deviance. thanks.

  2. you said it: people viewing each other through the prism of their own experiences (and values, and prejudices, and preconceptions) leads to misunderstanding. because you're a person with a unique history and worldview, and behaviors and thinking that are kind of remote from the experiences of many people, they'll misread you. So it isn't your words or your thoughts- you're quite clear. it's them. they have the right to judge you, as you have the right to judge them, but that's the opposite of trying to understand. the reading partner in Denny's (btw, Denny's? seriously?) couldn't get past his own preconceptions and just listen or open his mind. Whose fault is that? his or yours? Don't beat yourself up, kiddo. get your head clear and you'll be back to your usual lucid-if-verbose self in no time.

  3. Our intense need to be understood is never fully fulfilled. It just isn't. You can have brief moments where somebody might understand you, here and now. But you're somebody different tomorrow and there doesn't exist a person who can keep up.

    And yet, we still try. Funny creatures that we are.

  4. Sistasage,

    Thank you. I'm in sore need of that cave, but I'm not going to reach it anytime soon. I do hear, though, that rocket propelled grenades are a instant douchebag cure.


    Denny's is great. You find the coolest (oddest) people in there at 3AM. Find one near the airport, near a hospital, you're set for your people watching quota.


    Good point. Hopefully I'll be as accepting of it sometime, but I probably have to fully accept myself for that one. Working on it...

  5. I run into a lot of the same stuff when people assume they know me from my writing or comedy.

    It's disorienting when someone 'knows' you and you don't know them. But I've been on the other side too--saying something stupid because I want someone to know how much what they've done has affected me.

    I have found message board comments on my articles a source of self-learning though, espeically the nastier ones. Some stuff doesn't bother me at all and others trigger these minor emotional crises. Noticing what sets me off and what doesn't sometimes teaches me about where unexpected sore spots are.

    Other times it reminds me I haven't eaten yet and that's why I'm so grumpy.