Without your television...

This irritates me.

I have anxiety issues. I've always had anxiety issues. It blows.

But it's usually managable. I usually can pop myself up at a computer and write it out, so it's all okay and I settle myself down so I look like a sane and stable individual even when my body is going OMG-FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT at me when there's nothing to fight or fly from.

I've been having issues with GV8.

No, not with him as a person, but with my ability to deal with him and his lifestyle.

I'm monogamous. I'm 100%, dyed in the wool, monogamous.

I don't even know if I used that saying right. It's staying anyway.

He's not. He's not polyamorous, either. He's a "I'm going to fuck who I'm going to fuck when I feel like fucking them" type of guy.

But because of who he is (personality-wise) and all the people he knows and places he goes, he ends up having sex all over the place, when he has the time.

It's one thing when we're in a controlled environment, at a swing club, and I look over to see him fucking another girl. That doesn't bother me. It's the clubs and the massage parlors that get me. Not just emotionally, but also on a health-level. I like being STD-free. I wish to continue being so. He has an amazing track record, but it only takes one idiot to start a wave of some random disease.

I don't know if I can handle that risk.

Physically and emotionally.

I want to feel like I can roll with the big dogs, and I usually do feel that way, but next to him I'm an untried puppy and I'm not sure if I want to expose myself to such a lifestyle, engage in those behaviors that I deem unhealthy.

And there's also the concern that, because of his experience, he's more educated than I am, so all my worries and concerns are passe to him because he knows more, knows better. That I sound like one of those kids that is all, "Use condoms when giving blow jobs because you might get the herp" or "Anyone with more than ten partners is a whore and probably has dozens of STDs."

...sigh.

Am I willing to give him up over this? Is this such a dealbreaker that I would go and toss aside all that he offers, on all the levels that he offers?

It hurts me to know that for his last relationship, he gave up intercourse (but not oral) with other people, but I cannot ask him for that. Not with everything that is going on. He certainly wouldn't give it to me, or if he did, I would feel as though he resented me for it. Which I wouldn't blame him for.

Not that we're even in a relationship.

...I'm heaving sighs over here, resting my chin on my left hand.

I told him yesterday, when he asked what I wanted to do when we met up for dinner and the like, that I wanted it mellow, and if he was able to hook up a TV in the new apartment (he's got a few places of residence), then it would be great to curl up and watch a movie with him.

So he went out, bought a $900 high-def flat-screen wall-mounted TV with the sound bar and the computer hook-up and installed it that afternoon. And then we went out to Best Buy and bought a movie, and he also picked up season one of Californication and Dollhouse for me.

Last time I was over there, the first day he had the keys, he bought a bed and assembled it and renting a moving truck so he could bring over two of his mattresses so we could sleep on it and together we set up the bathroom, switching out the showerhead, assembling the floor-to-ceiling caddie and putting up the shower-rod/curtain combo.

We have fun. We get along. We have great sex.

God, the sex this morning was amazing. Just perfect rhythm, perfect movement, perfect angle, with him holding my hands above my head and thrusting into me. Beautiful. Last night's sex was great as well. And the early morning oral session.

I met another of his employees last night. A beautiful, beautiful girl who used to be a major model in Europe, but just couldn't do it when she moved to LA, her look didn't work. She's gorgeous, pretty smart too. Her boyfriend isn't nearly as good-looking, but he's built.

Anyhow, that was a side-track.

I wish GV8 wasn't doing this. The year of partying, the year of weekly+ swinging, this whole club thing... I wish this things were somewhat remotely normal, at least for me. If things were just mellow. I don't want to party anymore.

And, you know, I'm even thinking that maybe, sometime soon, a relationship wouldn't be a bad idea. Not with GV8 necessarily. But if I could actually find someone that suited me... maybe. Maybe I could.

I could date GV8. I could do a relationship. But I'd need the sex to be just us, and he can't do that right now. Since my schedule has gone above the call of sustainable reality, he now fills the void that I leave with other women.

Can I do that?

Can I respect myself if I allow myself to remain in this situation that could be potentially harmful?

Can he even respect me, knowing I'm going against my instinct, going against what I know I need? Am I just placing myself in a situation that is going to end in a mental explosion on my part?

I talked with him about this a little last night. I'm not sure how he took it. He seemed okay, but I'm not completely sure. Earlier, as I blogged, he requested that he wanted to see more of me, see where we could go, so I suggested meeting up tonight, after my family stuff has ended. He hesitated. He told me he didn't have plans for the evening, but he wasn't sure. He totally withdrew and when I questioned him about it, he did not really give me an answer, so I am anxious that my talking about my concerns with him might have thrown him to the point where he needs to spend time away from me to think, or that he just needs to relegate me to a lover only.

I don't know.

I don't like this uneasy place we're at. We're not sure where we're going so I'm not sure if I should open up to him on an emotional level, or if I should keep myself emotionally separate from him, or what. There's something to be said for instinct, and mine says that if he wasn't going to be engaging in so much sex with so many people, we could work. But knowing that he is going to be doing so, my instinct says this is going to crash and burn, even if it's a controlled plummet, it's not going to be particularly good.

I have to take care of me first.

I have to stop being greedy.

I have to be willing to lose him.

Am I willing to lose him?