Sunday, October 18, 2009

Don't you wanna take a ride with me...

We're interrupting our (ir)regularly scheduled blog for a moment to clear ye old brain box.

Anxiety is a nightmare.

I suppose, on the list of nightmares, it is a small one, but it is still quite there on the list.

It is a dozen micro-machines (those cute mini toy cars from the 80s) zooming around the valves and arteries of my heart. I feel every turn, every yank of the wheel, and I know that the only thing to do is wait and attempt to keep the course while my body goes into a state of panic provoked by the slightest of incidents.

Currently, I have the combination of a mild lack of sleep, my usual heart condition kicking in (which triggers my body into a mild state of panic whether or not I'm calm and content), and GV8 ditching me this weekend.

It wouldn't be so bad if, you know, he would let me help him on his project. Physical labor is easy, and we work well together.

But he won't.

Which leads into the question of "why?".

Does he think I will be in the way?
Does he just want to do it himself?
Is he hiding something (or someone) from me?
Is he trying to shove away from me?

It is, as we say, no bueno.

No bueno, no how.

...that didn't make any sense. Anyway...

I'm annoyed, I'm hurt. I told Playboy not to come down this weekend so GV8 and I could have a bit more quality time together after the rough bit we had two weeks ago, and Playboy was a bit put off by it (understandable). So, GV8 and I schedule the weekend semi-to ourselves, and... now I'm spending the entire weekend by myself except when he joins me to go to sleep. I could have been at home, sorting through paperwork or loading up the iPod he got me for my trip to New York. I could have been detailing my car, hanging out with my family, getting myself organized.

But, no, I'm sitting up here in Hollywood in a little coffee shop on the hope that he might have time for dinner with me and not wanting to drive back to my parents' house, which triples my commute tomorrow morning.

I could go down and crash with a friend in Venice, or even go interrupt C and hang with her... which sounds kinda nice.

But I told GV8 that I would stay here, that I would be here, that I would wait for him. It's 3PM and I might not even see him and it pisses me off that a) he had to cancel the weekend and b) I'm sitting here like a little bitch.

I've got four papers to write and I can't get the anxiety down enough to focus.

I'm worried that I'm misstepping here. I'm worried that if I stay, he'll think less of me, and if I go, he'll think I don't want to spend time with him.

Rolling around in bed with him this morning, not even having sex, was so fun, so intimate and relaxing. And now I'm here, at this tiny little table, not relaxed in the slightest.

I think I may go over to Amoeba, pick up a boxed set of something, and pop it in back at the apartment and work there. I really don't want to be here right now. I want to be in bed, sleeping. Or with my mother, playing cards and teasing each other.

Yeah, that sounds good. Amoeba, boxed set, apartment, writing papers. Chat with my mum on the phone. I just don't want to be out right now.

I feel better already. Thanks, internet, you're the best!


  1. Funniest part about your last comment on my blog is that we are heading to Florida in a couple of months....