Friday, November 13, 2009

I am a wallower.

If you read that as "wallflower", you need to re-read that sentence.

I wallow. I wallow in words, I wallow in the muck that is in my head, I wallow in pain and bad memories, in fears and anxieties.

It's what I do.

My brain, in my eyes, is akin to a rubix cube. If I keep turning the squares, matching up the colors, eventually something will click, it'll all line up, and I'll be a complete, whole, and healthy person.

This is probably not accurate.

I've realized that with my wallowing, I've learned a good deal about myself, and taken positive steps in the directions I've needed to go. I've stopped bad behaviors and started good ones. I've identified fears and taken actions to address them.

But I'm doing it blindly.

Basically, for those of you in my general age range, it's like when you first played Street Fighter on a SNES. You don't know what the hell you're doing, but you're going to press a hell of a lot of buttons at rapidfire speed and, hopefully, pummel M. Bison into the ground.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes you notice that a certain combo will do something really awesome and you memorize that combo.

Unlike Street Fighter, people don't come with a manual detailing which combination of buttons pressed in which order will do which move that will ultimately determine victory of the player.

...I can't believe I'm using Street Fighter as my running metaphor. Jesus.

When I was younger, I was embarassed about my past behaviors. I was ashamed and damaged, which only prompted further poor decisions in an effort to make myself feel less sexually broken and more desirable. The desirability I could stimulate in men would be (temporary and inaccurate) proof that I wasn't as damaged as I feared. That even with my background, I was still worthy of a decent man.

Even though the men I took up with at that time were rarely decent.

So I started journaling.

And, somehow, by doing that, I realized that if I was able to articulate and address my issues on a public forum, I would be able to move past the embarassment and shame I was feeling. That I would be forced to confront what I feared: the witnessing and subsequent judgement of my behaviors by my peers- a gathering of people who I respected, feared, hated, loved, lusted after, or had no idea they even existed.

That confrontation was what allowed me to become at ease with my sexuality and my sexual history. That piece of me is one of the most solid, comfortable pieces, because I've made it so through work and effort. There is very little in a sexual arena that can bother me or cause me to be defensive. It's just a normal part of who I am, something I no longer question or worry about.

So now... I'm here.

Full of anxieties and fears that I wallow in for days on end. Things that I allow to dictate my behavior. Especially a fear of rejection. Gods, that one eats me alive.

Some days I'm golden. Nothing can touch me. I talk to everyone, make new friends, cut a path through wherever I am because I am so content with myself I can't imagine anyone's negative judgement of me to have an impact on how I view myself.

Some days, the smallest, most meaningless comment sends me spiraling into a fit of self-loathing. Those days are usually associated with PMS or a lack of sleep.

A lot of these last few months have been permeated by a lack of sleep as I push myself harder and harder to make sure I'm squeezing every ounce of experience out of this life.

I don't like that I let my lack of sleep impact my mood so drastically. I know the chemicals the brain releases when in the arms of exhaustion have a similiar effect as alcohol has on the human brain, and that drunk people are prone to heightened emotions (though not always this depression), but I am still hard on myself about this perceived failing.

But I'm distracting myself.

Back to Street Fighter.

I have no manual. I do not know what will make me happy, ultimately. I have guesses, but nothing 100%. I do not know where my deep-seated fears of rejection come from. I feel as though I cannot properly address and conquer my anxieties about rejection unless I determine where it sources from.

Which may or may not be accurate.

I'm fumbling in the dark when it comes to my brain.

I know thousands of ways that do not work, but one or two that have in the past.

So I'm going to do something about it.

I've been doing this alone for so long. I don't have time for a counselor, though I really wish I did. So the next best thing that I can think of is finding out more about fears, anxieties, and shame. Reading other people's philosophies and experiences and finding what could work for me.

Not doing it alone. Turning on the lights, just a bit.

There are so many people out there, more than I can guess at, that have dealt with these issues inside themselves and taken the time to share their knowledge. I know what works for one will not work for another, but I am going to do my best to find something that works for me. Something that will help me identify what I truly want and what I need to discover in myself to achieve those desires. Something that will help me identify my fears and give me the tools and thought processes to address them.

I've been wallowing too long.

I need to do something about it now.


  1. After your breakup, the best idea might be to not date or have sex for a while. Like 1-2 months. I have found that that helps me.

    Of course you'll never really get over it until you find that next person. That is the paradox...

  2. Rubik cube: you mean you can't just peel off the colored stickers and make them line up that way?

  3. I was pretty much the way I am now with the exception of being high strung and slightly self loathing up until December of 2001. That's when I got the concussion. I'm a lot more mellow and less stressed. Now, I don't recommend it to anyone. I really should be a vegetable right now but genetics decided I should have a really hard head.
    I still have my moments of self doubt (usually when it comes to women) But I get over them rather quickly.
    I'd like to say all you need is a positive attitude but then I'd be lying. A positive attitude does help but you need to keep pressing buttons on the control to find your own kick ass Street Fighter moves....

  4. Some days, the smallest, most meaningless comment sends me spiraling into a fit of self-loathing.
    On those days avoid hurtful people and folks on the web.

    Those days are usually associated with PMS or a lack of sleep.
    I noticed something similar about myself. When I have PMS I can cry at the drop of hat. Every so often, I become verbally aggressive when I have PMS.

    Try to get 8hrs of sleep a night and take a multi-vitamin sweetie.

    You say you don't have the time to go see a shrink but I think you must make time.

    *leans in close to poetry of flesh*

    You must take care of number 1 first.

  5. thebrokade,

    What I usually do after a break-up is find someone who is not a man I would date and enter into a casual friends-with-benefits situation so I don't have to worry about engaging in validating "one-night-stand" behavior or getting stressed out about my lack of physical contact.


    I think that might be my next order of business. That or whiting out the colors and coloring them with scented markers.

    The Savage,

    Positive attitude and dexterous thumbs. I'm golden.

    Chic Noir,

    Aw, welcome over to the blog of internal angst. It's good to see you here. I don't see therapy in my immediate future, but I will be doing other things. Sleep and a multivitamin are definitely on the list.