Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Calgon, take me away...

"I'm falling for you."

"I have feelings for you."

The words filter through the air and come to rest on the sheets in the space between us.

Emotions alone cannot bridge this chasm of needs, memories of shared experiences cannot become stepping stones leading from me to him.

Perhaps I knew this, entering into it.
Perhaps I knew, and ignored.

I've gotten so good at that, these last few years.

Ignoring signs, taking the (temporarily) easy path.

But we find those tangle trees at the end. Piers Anthony taught me that when I was little.

This is my choice.

The realization that he cannot provide me what I've finally admitted to myself that I want:

A long-term,
ending in marriage.

Kids? That's still unknown, and will likely depend on whatever man I do settle down with.

Social pressures? My own driving need to serve, to bond, to have that lifemate? Is that something from within me or something from outside myself that has leaked in, my eager, youthful exposure to Disney movies and fairytales, that one true match, that dress and veil.

Perhaps some song and dance numbers featuring overly cute, non-rabid woodlife.

Looking into that face I've come to know so well, the dark creases at the corners of his eyes, the wide palms, olive skin, mottled with freckles. Straight teeth. Green eyes with yellow starbursts at their centers.

Our hands were held in the middle, across our bodies, trying to physically bridge what reality has taken hold to part.

At the bumper of my car, face buried in his neck, heat rising, chests pressed together.

Is this the last time I will hold you?

I drove to work.

I will not cry.

It was another one of those terminating moments where you wished you had known that this was the last. The last kiss, the last round of sex, the last time you would sleep in his bed, shower in his bathroom.

Leave the apartment. And that's it.

There's no going back.

Speaking with Marquis has taught me that.

The minute you go back, the minute you give into your emotions, you are stating that the pain of the moment, the pain that will pass you by soon enough, is too much for you. And you would rather avoid it and give up to the action of moving on, of respecting yourself and your needs, fully knowing that this person will never be able to be that one for you and accepting that.

Do not linger.

Every time you go back, you take away respect and credibility.

Because to go back is to bow. Is to hand that person your heart and tell them that you know they're going to crush it in their grip, but if they could just hold off a few more months (and let the strength of their fingers gather while time passes), you'd really appreciate it.

And they will close on you.

Not with aggression, not with intent, but because being with someone who cannot provide what you need without changing themselves, and you cannot ask for that change, will hurt you. Eventually you'll find where the two plotted courses intersect and you'll head in different directions.

But not without that collision.

Without them taking pieces of you with them, and pieces of them with you.

That's the nature of contact. The stronger surface removes particles of the weaker, until one is rubbed smooth. Obliterated, maybe?

So I told him, over those sheets, that I could not do it. That I could not be happy with what he was offering, and he would not change. I would not want him to change who he is.

And then it was over.


  1. wow. i'm sorry, sweetie. i saw this going a different way. but props to you for acting with the courage of your convictions, and good luck on the road ahead. call me if you want. hang in there and be strong - don't drown your sorrow in self-destructive behavior. just keep faith in yourself and move on.

  2. ummm I'm still single and such... just saying.
    Old Yeller went all rabid but then that wasn't a cartoon.
    I hope my attempts at humor got at least a tiny smirk....

  3. Maurice, somehow it seems as though because I've taken control of the situation in a healthy way, I find that I have no urge to engage in self-destructive behaviors. Looks like I've grown in the last few months. Who knew?

    Savage, wait, are you pining for that wedding veil? I hear sparrows are excellent weavers of lace, though they are stuck in perpetual soprano. I did smile, yes.

  4. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

    I told myself earlier this year after I moved out from my ex-husband's. Then after I got my heart broken. Then after I quit my stable job to move halfway across the country, with no new job prospects in sight.

    I am sorry that it has turned out this way, but maybe it is for the best. Self-respect. It is so KEY. That's what enabled me to move on quickly after being rejected by a guy I fell for, and giving him as much love as I could.

    If it's not meant to be, mourn it, and move on. It's hard. Lots of tears will be shed. But you know this already. You are not afraid.

  5. I've been thinking a lot about you. I know you're hurting right now, but you're being so amazingly right about it. You played straight-up and fair.

    I think you might be chasing the dream though...getting one of those bad boy/alpha/gamers to settle down. Exactly the kind of guy you've expressed a clear taste for, is exactly the last kind of guy to give you what you've just admitted you wanted. I'm not saying that it's never been known to happen, and you really are special enough to entice someone smart enough to see it, but it's definitely swimming up-stream.

    I've been mulling this a lot lately too. It feels like a mobius strip as I follow the surface around, it seems to make sense...until I find myself on the other side again.

  6. Hope, what is amusing by that is I had been listening to the CD that contains the song you quoted before I left for NY. I'm not afraid, not really. Wondering what I'm giving up, in the long run, more than anything else.

    Knowing I could not handle it if I stayed. Self-respect is key, as you said.

    Aldonza, I don't really consider myself chasing the dream. I've got a good filter for the bad boys that I love, filing them into two piles: those to sleep with and those to date. Very few make it into the second pile. I never try to force Column A into Column B, I know it does not work, nor do I wish it to.

    But I do know that, for a relationship, I need someone like me. I need that wild damage, that tainted history, that provides a common view of the world with shared values. It's easiest to find this among the bad boys, or the recovering bad boys (which GV8 falls into).

    It is... certainly tangled and folded up on itself, I'll give you that. I know I'm unique, I know how to attract men due to that rarity, and I hope that one day I'll find him while I cast my nets.

    I hurt, but it isn't soulcrushing. It isn't a battle to be functional. I just feel a bit bruised, and sorry for both GV8 and myself for how things turned out. He's a good man, we were a good match, we just share differing values when it comes to relationships and outside sex.

  7. Poetry--

    No matter what happens, no matter how I grow, I will never lose my need for monogamy.
    No matter what happens, no matter how he grows, he will never lose his need for multiple partners.

    This strikes me as utter self delusion on your part.

    Ok, I haven't read at all completely since I comment at length last. Some skimming. You're very long winded and avoidant of personal details as opposed to emotional fluff and environmental bathos.

    Maybe facts have occured the make your decision make sense (or his) but your summary of emotionally why is utter hogwash. If you think you've mostly appeared to be an eager monogamist to him since you two started to get into each other, you're utterly kidding yourself, judging only by what you've written here, absent close reading of the last couple of weeks.

  8. pathos.

    The paradox of your journal and writing is that you do reveal quite a lot eventually but god do you make your readers pay for it. Mountains of emoting related to perceptions of the environment around you, but really about some relationship issue your hiding for quite a long while, and then sorta get to, still usually obliquely.

    You do have talent in turning a phrase and in painting a word picture, without a doubt. But all these beta/omega sycophants here who just straight up praise your writing -- well they're nuts.

    It's vastly too self indulgent and obfuscatory, most of the time.

  9. However, if you're in pain.


  10. Doug1,

    Ah, you made me smile. You're such a guy (not intended to be an insult, so please do not take it as such).

    I know my facts. I know the analysis. I can sit here and explain everything until it reads like a script for a TV sitcom. But the "he said/did, she said/did" stuff bores me. I retrace it in my head without issue.

    This blog was started for a few reasons. I wanted to work on my writing without having a bunch of my friends come by and tell me how good it was, because friends are supposed to say those things. I wanted to sort through my head, get in touch with the emotions that I shut off so easily. Acknowledge pieces of myself, weakness and fears, that I hide from everyone else. Focus on moments that, yes, come off very "mysterious", but I'm not looking to explain them as much as remember them.

    This blog is entirely self-indulgent. I kept it for months without ever intending to have anyone read it unless they happened to stumble across it somehow.

    GV8 is 44. He knows what he wants, knows what he needs.
    And though I am only in my twenties, I've had significantly more experience with love, relationships, and sex than the majority of women I've come in contact with. I know what I want, and what I can and cannot do.

    My behavior, early on with GV8, was very nonmonogamous. That's how I operate, and I let him know that. I play with multiple partners and date a lot until I find someone worth settling with, monogamously. He knew that. And I knew he was a swinger, and I knew that was something that would be an issue, but I would be willing to work on it.

    But non-monogamous sex outside of swing clubs is something that I will likely never be okay with. And I had to admit that to myself and to him.

    Also, yes, I've been told by several people I need to make my writing tighter... I'm just not sure how to go about that.

    Thanks for the hug, sir. I am hurting, and will be for a bit.

  11. Doug1 sounds like a creep - he's reading this blog to "get to know your deep inner self"?? I skim for "double penetration" and stuff to jerk off to. The stories are kinda nice, but the point of reading this blog isn't to understand the author.

    It's entertainment - drama. I don't watch movies to learn about the screenwriter.