Wednesday, November 4, 2009

My laptop is liable to die at any moment.

Spoke with GV8 on my way to school, mutually drawing things to a close.

It was a good conversation, though both of us were hurting.

Taking the time away that we both need to create that emotional distance, allowing things fading into the past rubbing out the memories and connection we had.

How sad.

How sad for both of us.

No matter what happens, no matter how I grow, I will never lose my need for monogamy.
No matter what happens, no matter how he grows, he will never lose his need for multiple partners.

There is no future. There is no potential that things will shift and enable us to be together again.

So that's the end.

Friends, friends over sound waves, friends through the phone, through texts.

Space and distance.
Time and loss.

Receeding experiences.

I've lost the best lover I've ever had, and the second man I've been able to truly respect.

Then, tonight, I registered for next semester's classes. The impending leaving of my job haunts me, my love and care for my coworkers to be borne to nothingness as I move on.

Unemployed in a recession, so I can go to school full-time.

Without a lover.

With no one to share what is in my head.

Broken-hearted. Ah, there's that word again, "broken".


Experience distances me. I'm a foreigner in my day to day existence and now, now I want someone I can talk to, someone who can understand this, and that empty void beckons and I know there's only the keyboard.


  1. You want my number? Just kidding. I understand alone. Been that way most of my life. A self imposed aloneness that raked into my soul. Fear that no one would accept me for me. Blog land has taken the edge off of it and a few really good friends keeps it at bay but in the quiet of night as I lay down to sleep it often raises its hackles at me and taunts me. I understand alone.

  2. I think too many people understand alone. You'd think that would make it feel less... but not so much, apparently. That fear I understand.