Monday, December 14, 2009

She don't believe anyone can help her...

While I was writing my final paper last night, down at the coffee shop, listening to my iPod, Massive Attack's "Protection" started filling my ears and I actually listened to it this time.

And then GV8 texted me. Total was fourteen texts. Eleven of those being within a three to five minute span.

So here we go:

Hi V, hope you are finding positive ways to look to the future and that our time together was not only wonderful but educational.

I have been slowly working on an email to you explaining why I feel a strong friendship is important to us.

You must think I am crazy and being all cliche with the "let's be friends" blah blah, but I really do see myself as your mentor of sorts.

I feel the trust and bond we have created is not something to be wasted.

Yes, I continue to strongly feel we are not meant to be together intimately.

But I think you would be a fool to not want me as that one solid as a rock person in your life to turn to for strength and insight.

I know that I know you much more than you realize.

Keep an open mind about having me be the best friend/teacher/mentor/go to person/confidante you will ever have.

There may be a happy ending for the both of us down this road. Ponder, love.


I received those so fast that every time I tried to respond to him, I received another message cutting me off. So finally I started ignoring them and composing my own response:

GV8, I'm in the middle of a huge, superstressful paper and I need you to not throw me into more emotional turmoil until after this Wednesday because I badly need to get through this week. One of my friends killed themselves and my father has lost it and I can't keep it together if you email me before finals because that will wreck me and I will not pass these classes. Please wait until Thursday. Much love, just under a lot of pressure.

Which led to his response:

V, I apologize for my poor timing. I will let you be for the week. Just wanted to express to you that you will find me being there for you in the future.

Do well on your papers and finals. Keep making me proud of you. Avoid your father at all costs. Unhealthy! Know you are loved and cherished.

Stay positive. Focus on the big picture. Avoid previous bad habits. Stay away from father. Use C as your rock/warmth/friend through this. Hugs.

I'm a bit angry. It had been five days. Five. Days. How the hell am I supposed to get over him and move on with my life if he wants to be friends right now? I need to give him up, not use him for emotional support.

Also, my best friend/mentor/confidante/go to person should be my partner. Whoever that ends up being. I cannot use GV8 for this because then I will continue to emotionally bond to him, making it deeper and worse overall.

He got my hopes up, got my fantasies working, even though he clearly states that he feels we shouldn't be together intimately. I can't deal with this. I can't be around him right now, can't talk to him right now. How am I supposed to let go?

This is almost exactly what happened last time he ended things with me. A little bit of time passed and then he texted me wanting to be occasional friends with benefits and keep things lowkey and simple, and then that, of course, did not work.

So he did it again. He misses me, so he has rationalized himself into a position where he can still have the emotional closeness and connection, but deny the sex and romance that is so very clearly there.

And I do want him in my life. That's the problem. I want his experience, I want his knowledge, I want his fearlessness and protection.

But can I have that and simply remain friends? Can he be here and not be part of my life in a romantic way? Will that forever block me from bonding with another man because I route all my disclosure and closeness to him?

Would that be good for me right now?

I don't think so.

But, as C pointed out, while she does not approve of him, that the trust and bond we created shouldn't be so lightly discarded.

So what do I do? What do you think he wants? What do you think his overarching motivation is, whether or not he is aware of it?

Also, as a side note, Glasses emailed me today. Apologizing for flaking out on me however many months ago, explained his situation, asked me out again. Yes, this is the man who is almost a perfect 10. Amazingly gorgeous, incredibly intelligent (PhD much?), likely millionaire, world-traveler, dominant male who shares my general life and moral philosophies.

What did I do? Oh, of course. I told him that I was busy being emotionally distraught and if he wanted to wait a few months, I'd love to go out with him then.


At least I was honest.


  1. he misses you and wants you in his life. he probably still wants you as much as you want him - you can't turn that off based on a disagreement about monogamy and children. it's more primal than that as you know too well. beware future booty calls...

  2. He wants it all. The nice connection with you *and* the easy sex elsewhere. Problem is, that will take too much out of you.

    I know how strongly you feel pulled by this right now though. So very tempting.

  3. Regardless of what he wants, that is not cool. I know, because I've engaged in similar behaviour about a year ago after initiating a break-up and it did not help things for either of us.

    I can't speak for GV8, but in my case, it was a combination of legitimate concern/affection for her, the ego stroke to my insecurity from feeling like somebody needed me, and wanting to keep the things I enjoyed about her without having to actually give up anything.

    But probably 80% of it was based on "Not Wanting To Be The Bad Guy"

    But all I was doing was making it harder for the other person to move on because I wanted to feel less guilty.

    It was also unfair to me. Even though the dump-ee gets most of the sympathy in a break-up, there's a grieving period for the dump-er too. And each time I reached out for the other person instead, I was "interrupting" that grieving period and making it harder for myself.

  4. I like how all three of you have different points and interpretations, all of which are likely right. Now it's just a matter of watching how it plays out.