Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Since Friday, I've had four men ask me out. Two of them while I was at a coffee shop.

The first of the two at the coffee shop interrupted a conversation I was having with C and proceeded to completely ignore her as he tried again and again to get my number, email address, anything. He did not seem to understand that I was not going to change my mind about giving him any of my contact information. His behavior enraged C, as she has no patience for social retardation, and she spent the ten minute conversation of him near begging for my attentions glaring off to one side with him being completely unaware of her presence no matter how often I tried to draw her into the conversation.

This amused me more than anything, especially after he left when C turned to me and said, "Fuck you, V, with your man-magnetism! Fuck you!"

She cracks me up.

Sunday night, I spent working on my final paper, and managed to strike up a conversation with one of the men sharing the table with me at the coffee shop, as I kept having to get up and leave my things to take care of various things (phone calls, more coffee, fighting off tears in the alley behind the place after GV8's texts, you know, the usual).

I mentioned to him that I would be back, working on another paper, on Monday night.

So when I showed up the next day, guess who was sitting there, reading Chomsky, with an open chair next to him?

We talked for about an hour, about what we were going to be doing with our lives next year (his application to the PhD program at UCLA for linguistics and his alternative plans), which was interrupted by a text from some guy I had been hitting on at a club a few weeks ago who keeps inviting me to things.

Which lauched me into a frustrated mini-rant about GV8, life in general, the sudden overabudance of male attention and my state of mind regarding men.

And I eventually cooled it off, apologized for ranting, etc, that I was just feeling burned out and wished that the men that are trying to be in my life would just take a temporary "no" for an answer until I figure out what I'm doing and where I want to be.

Fifteen minutes later, my Chomsky-reader asked me out.

So I'm sitting there just staring at this guy going, "Did you really... just... do that??"

Goddamn self-disclosure leading to white-knighting.

... ... ...

Also realized that I have a significant dose of fear regarding GV8 and his likelihood of not being in my life if I wait too long, whether that's realistic or not, as he gets over the emotion of missing me.

That feeling of impending time-liney doom is stressing me out.

Conflict of wanting him in my life, wanting his advice and care, and knowing that it's not healthy, not now.

And how much I wish he could just be mine.

Best friend? Confidante? Mentor? Go to person? Rock? That's simply a boyfriend without the sex.

This makes me think less of him. Not a lot less, but his constantly altering mindset towards what we should be doing and his rationalization of what he wants makes me think of him as a mildly unstable justifier and this bothers me.

Makes me feel this is just a temporary window until he gets over it.

However long that will take.

I know I should stay away from him. But the thought of staying away does not produce feelings of relaxation in me, which is always what happens when I come across a solution, no matter how difficult, to a problem that is plaguing me on an internal/emotional level.

Something is wrong. This isn't the answer. But keeping him in my life like he wants produces feelings of stress and anxiety, so that's even more not the answer.

What to do..?


  1. (I have no idea why I'm responding to this post, go figure?)

    Have some moral fibre and ditch him. Yes. I repeat ditch him. Although you have a totally different world view to me, I must admit I admired you for your principles, but you slipped quite a bit when you were prepared to trade your desired to be his exclusive lover just so that you can have his company.

    Jailbird: Bad moral fibre.
    Non-mongomous: Bad moral fibre. Means he is solpsistic. Unless he commits to you, you are nothing more than a friend with benefits. No matter how much you dress up the "friendship", you're still nothing more than a friend.

    POF your misery lies in the fact that you are at war with your nature.

    It pretty apparent to me in reading through your posts, that you want the house, the kids, and the white picket fence(or perhaps its "arty" variant), and that you want to be loved by the right kind of man. The problem is though, your hanging out with the wrong crowd, the type of man you want just doesn't move in your circles. GV8 for all his virtues did not want to commit to you. You won't make him change. (This is a typical female self delusion that many a girl has learned at a tragic price)

    Word to the wise. Promiscuity is a poor apprenticeship for monogamy. It applies to men just as much to women. Hang out with a more normal crowd.

    I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I'm calling it as I see it. Feel free to delete the post if you find it out of hand.

  2. I'm not sure I agree with all of the comments above but I will say you should erase him from your life.

    Otherwise it will only become complicated, messy and emotional in the future. You know you're strong enough to be without him already. It's just finding the resolve. Dig deep and find it.