Monday, February 8, 2010

The more I experiment with my sexual behaviors, the more research and discussions I get into, the more I realize that my damages are so standard, my lusts are easily to be expected, and the only reason I fall outside of the norm on certain issues is because I'm busy embracing my basic motivators while others are raised to fear and deny them.

I'm not just like other girls, I am the base, common deminominator of what goes through the body and mind on an instinct level, and I'm highly aware of it.

Humbling, in a way.

Embarrassing, realizing that for all my supposed "specialness", I really am just another female, in a different stage of self-progression.

Good, because that means I'm not so socially foreign that I can't connect, which is why, I think, that so many women have come to me for advice, input, so many men have come to me to pick apart my brain, to have me pick apart theirs.

Grounding humanity through common sexual themes, twisting of psyche through social demands and the untwisting to get back to base, providing a sort of human, detached figure to view as something to be gained on the level of one's own self, a sort of internal goal. Admittance of vunerabilities, of past mistakes, embarrassment, is disclosure, causes feelings of bonding even when indirect. Honesty, overarching standard social ethics, even when acting on a base level, lends morals and takes away standard objections, making it possible to bridge the usual barriers between those who roam and fuck to those who cling and love.

The human connection makes it possible, the beast makes it more, explains certain incidents and social trends that have followed me throughout my late teens to now. Consciousness-streaming conversational style that follows my own pattern of speech causes transition from written word to social encounters to be without the standard dissonance one finds when changing formats, and breeds a sense of deep familiarity, strengthening the feelings of connection already brought forth.

Is it odd that I'm beginning to fascinate myself?


  1. Absolutely not.

    I'm beginning (continuing?) a journey like this of my own. It's... well, your word choice is the best: fascinating. I'm opening up in a myriad of ways, and all of it is welcome; the simplest of these ways being that I actually COMMUNICATE with others, and try my damnedest to ASK for what I want. It gets more complex (and fun) than that, but suffice it to say that I totally get where you're coming from.

    I'm having a fantastic time.

  2. Navel gazin'.

    Just another part of yours that's totally average female.

  3. Now imagine what you will think about yourself a year from now... on your own.

  4. Hey, Poetry, do you mind if I translate? I'm not sure I can do your posting justice, but I'll try. Just tell me when I go off track, okay?

    You write that all women are sexual beings. The only difference between you and them is that you act on your sexual nature. You write that "[you are] the base, common deminominator of what goes through the body and mind [of all women] on an instinct[ual] level . . . ." The only reason you're different, you write, is because you're "busy embracing [your sexual nature] while [other women] are raised to fear and deny [it]."

    You also write that your honesty about your nature makes it "possible to bridge the usual barriers between those who roam and fuck [and] those who cling and love," i.e. your honesty makes it possible to communicate and bond with other women who don't share your views. You write to women and then meet them in person, and, when you do, the transition is seamless because your writing and speaking follow similar patterns.


    I object. I object because you've written just part of what you need to write.

    You write about things of the body. You don't write about things of the mind. This is important because it's in the mind where you're most interesting. It's in the mind where your "specialness" is found. It's in the mind where you're not "just another female." Even this, your discarding conventional sexual morality, is an interesting product of your mind.

    When will you write the rest of your story?

  5. Hunter,

    I am so glad you're enjoying yourself, and pushing yourself for improvement. Following your blog and watching the growth and exploration, while still hearing stories of the past, is lovely.


    While my navel and the attention I pay to it are quite standard, there are other parts of me that are quite spectacular.


    Sometimes I fear that I'll develop too much of an ego. I hope this tempers down, as this excessive swing worries me, makes me wonder if it is organic to the situation or a reaction based on other things.


    Hmmm... close-ish, but not 100%.

    The difference is not that I act on my sexual nature, but that I acknowledge and actively explore it. This isn't an active exploration of going out and bagging different types of men, but a mental exploration, determining what I find attractive, what I find desirable in bed, and the ramifications that knowledge presents. Lately it's been a mental dive focusing on the theories of evo-psych, something that I've yet to be able to argue against because I easily fill most of the behaviors put forth.

    I do not know if I believe that it is all women, as I dislike making generalizations.

    I don't like the general impression that the phrase "sexual nature" presents because it seems like such a phrasing cop-out of acting sexual, of engaging in (usually poor) behaviors. But if one actually means their sexual nature on how their body reacts to stimuli, and what stimuli causes those reactions... most women deny what they want because they're told to. And it's not that they're told to just by their parents or by their church of choice, but by the men they desire and other women around them most of all. It's reinforced behavior.

    I believe it is my honesty in disclosure that causes the feelings of bonding, and my ethical code that allows women who would normally start hurling rocks at my kind to stop and listen. It's blending morality with sexuality, which is something that most people will not grasp. To have an active sexual life is to have a lack of control and loose morals. Nothing is sacred, there are no boundaries, no respect of others. When you start meshing the two, it's easier to reach people.

    Yes on the seamless transition.

    You write like a journalist, the way you strung that all together. Interesting.

    I know I am not just another female. I know that my mind is... unique. The individual pieces are common, but finding pieces that most people would normally expect to cancel each other out is what creates that difference.

    I do not like writing about the mind on that topic because it feels like I'm railing into a storm that so many others fight so fruitlessly: I am special, I am unique. No one is special, no one is unique. It's just different degrees of rarity.

    I'm slowly piecing together a novel in my brain, something that discards the sex and brings the formation of the inner structure, but it's slow going, trying to figure out what is important, what is not, and the pacing.

  6. This is your second reference to your novel. You revealed a little bit about it, this time. There will be no sex. (Why not?) And it will "bring[ ] the formation of the inner structure . . . ."

    I translated your Hermann Melville-like posting above, but I sure can't translate that "bring" phrase.

    Doesn't matter, Poetry. Just know that there are good wishes for your writing effort being sent from this side of the monitor.

  7. Rider,

    My original idea, spawning from last year, was completely based around sex, around male-female interactions, and socialization.

    And then I realized two things at two very different times.

    The first was that I am not done growing on a sexual level. I'm still putting pieces of myself together, so any book I attempt to write on the topic will be incomplete.

    The second was that, while sex has played an enormous role in developing who I am today, it was a symptom, not a source. The formation of the/my inner structure was not based on sex, but on other things. The sex was merely an outlet.

    And, yes, sometimes I start writing in something I call "the Vulcan brain", which is when, apparently, I start sounding like Melville. Too many psychology and sociology classes in college have caused a creation of a different way of writing, which is what happens when I read too much of one author.

  8. Hey, Poetry, I hope you never finish growing on a sexual level. But your growing shouldn't stop you from writing your novel about your inner structure AND about sex. Write a second novel when you grow more.

    There's something else. You don't need to be perfect. You don't have to explain the rare typographical errors that creep into your blog. You don't have to be anyone other than Spock or Melville or whomever you want to be.

    We're only guests in this small corner of the virtual universe. Thank you for letting us in.

  9. Rider,

    I'm occasionally self-conscious about my writing or, rather, about certain styles I attempt to write in. I know I have a very defined voice in some styles, but the other, more literary styles... I feel like I'm not measuring up. When I Spock-out, I end up feeling like no one connects what I'm saying because I'm talking too mechanically.

    I feel like I shouldn't write a novel on sex if it will be incomplete. When I write it, I want it to be complete, I don't want it to be another one of those "woman-tells-all" sensational disasters you end up finding in the bargain bins the next year.

  10. Jeez, are you hard on yourself or what, Poetry?

    Look, you won me to your side when you did two things. First, when you stood in front of your mother and sister to protect them. Second, when you rented your apartment so your mom would have a place to stay.

    The way I see it, intelligence, compassion, and courage are a winning combination, and you've got all three. So, when you write, you don't have to erect castles and walls, dig moats, and build drawbridges to protect yourself. That's what you were doing when you wrote the posting above.

    I will admit that, your post didn't make sense to me on a first reading. I knew you had an extraordinary mind, and so I resolved to read it again, this time slowly. I wanted to make sure it was written like Melville wrote Moby Dick. I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a string of random clauses making you appear more intelligent than you were. After a second reading, I was delighted to find that all your thoughts were intelligent and logical, and -- well -- Melville-esque.

    There's something else I learned. It's a self-discovery. I learned I was intelligent enough to understand your writing, even when you were "Spocking-out." (grins)

  11. We're all our own worst critics, if cliche is to be believed.

    And I also rented my apartment for myself, to save myself from what damage could have been done by staying in such an unhealthy situation. I'm not quite a saint.

    Huh, I didn't take the posting above as a defense, but more of an analysis. When people read my blogs, they respond in ways that tend to boggle me, and I've been examining that phenomenon for about two years now, trying to explain it to myself in a way that I can understand.

    I'm not quite sure if I want to be Melville-esque... I haven't read him in so long though. I have to string clauses together like that, drop the unimportant words, scribbling at my internet notepad trying to remember everything in order to flesh it out.

    With the way you write, sir, I'm sure you're more than intelligent enough to grasp what I write. You've a near perfect command of the language, as far as I can see, especially with how you structure your sentences. English major?