Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I found myself thinking of the weekend to come at work.

Seeing GV8 on Saturday, a whole day together.

I dance at his feet like an over-excited puppy, begging for attention and to be let out for walkies.

Totally true.

We all have our weaknesses.

I realized, when we were talking last night, that the man I went out with on Saturday and GV8 are similar. Not in the ways that count, not the ways that matter to me, but... they both shave their heads, they both are around my height, they both are in their forties, they both have partner counts well into the hundreds (400+ for GV8, 300+ for my nameless Saturday date), they both used to host and run adult parties and swing clubs, they both are sexually dominant.

I did not do this on purpose.

In fact, when I first started talking to Mr. Saturday Night, I did not know most of these things about him... they only came up in later conversations.

So, what? Have I specialized myself for excessively sexually experienced dominant males in their forties? Is this it? Weekends full of sex parties and the like? I can't even imagine that.

I'm... yeah. To be with GV8, I would give up a lot. I have given much, offered even more. Body, heart, mind, on a platter.

I'm lucky he loves me. I'm lucky he gave me so much of himself, even though we finally hit that dealbreaker stage of the three M's, as he calls it: marriage, monogamy, munchkins. Marriage and monogamy I could work with a lack of, munchkins... we both knew I could not. Being around him made me want to breed, made me want to create the amazing children I knew our combined genetics would be capable of.

So, Saturday we are spending the day together. We were too busy this last weekend to see each other, and I missed his company terribly. I know when we do meet up, we'll likely not let go for awhile.

And he's thinking of me, missing me. I know this, I see it.

A lot has been rolling around in my head today, about sexuality, about rarity, uniqueness. That everlofted need to be an individual, to express oneself as irreplacable, to preserve that ego of self. Of men, of women, and the damage we do to each other on a social level.

I do not like being told that I am undesirable. No one does. I find it... annoying isn't the right word, but close enough, how many men feel the need to tell me that I'm doing it wrong, that my past has spoiled me, that because I did not exhibit control when I was younger, I'm doomed to cheat on my partner, doomed to a marriage with a man I don't desire, so desperate for that provider as I age and lose my looks that I'll have to settle with the only men who will take me.

Have I ever been average? Have I ever led a normal life?


Do men find me desirable? Yes.

Wait, wait, even after they get to know me, after they hear my track record, do they still push for dating, push for the relationship? Yeah, they do.

Do my male friends regularly fall in love with me, something I find incredibly awkward and painful, and still haven't quite learned how to handle well? Yeah.

Have I, with knowledge gained from the seduction community, managed to flip my usual one-night stand occurence from men that discount me for "putting out too easily" so often to men that continue to call, text, and email, to the point of annoying the hell out of me? Yes.

Do my male friends' girlfriends ever worry about me trying to make a move on their men? No, there's perfect trust, even with those who asked me out before they asked out their current girlfriend.

Have any of my boyfriends ever worried about me cheating on them, ever accused me of touching another man, even though three-quarters of my friends are men, a chunk of those I have had as lovers, and I still spend time with exes? No.

Am I the go-to person for relationship, seduction, and sex advice, the impromptu counselor for sexual trauma and damage, among friends and acquaintances of both genders? Yes. Regularly.

Have I taken the time to work with my male friends who have sexual issues, body issues, or general comfortability issues with the opposite sex, to the point of sleeping with them, showing them what to do, how to do it, so they could, hopefully, go on to a healthy relationship, or at least start working through their issues? Yes.

Do I really think that my sexual history makes me an undesirable figure, that I will end up in a sexless marriage to a member of middle-management, cheating on him with young hot things, because no self-respecting man would have a whore like me?

God, I hope not.

I don't pretend to know the future. As I am now, definitely not. But things change, situations change. As has been recently illustrated, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

There are men that try so hard to stuff down the idea of sexual liberation.

And I do not think what is going on now is at all sexually liberating, only a mass of angry, damaged people trying to reclaim what they feel is theirs, bitter against the opposite sex. It's an extreme reaction.

So many things are viewed as threats.

I'm pretty enough, possibly beautiful when I try. Alluring, mysterious, I've been told. Whether that's true or not, I'm not going to guess. I don't find myself mysterious, only a little complex.

I make some men incredibly uncomfortable. Usually the mainstream set of men that are trying so hard to be "manly" alpha males. Not the pick-up guys necessarily, but the guys that are struggling with themselves, with their insecurities, mimicking what they think masculinity and self-confidence look like.

They react in anger, if I don't manage the situation, if I don't play sweet and cute while still laying it down for them.

I am not the ideal woman for the masses. I appeal to a certain set, a set that is next to impossible to find. It takes a certain kind of man to be comfortable with me, to not feel like I am challenging him, like he has to live up to some sort of standard I set, especially sexually.

But my guy friends love me. The more they get to know me, the harder they fall, until I'm sitting there near praying that they get a girlfriend so I don't have to find myself in another awkward social situation.

I'm a sweetheart, a mama's girl.

Yet I'm told I'm defined not by my life actions, but by my sexual ones. That what I do in bed is more impactful to my future than what I will do out in the rest of the world. I do believe that most of the world is not composed of bedrooms, but I could be wrong.

It is not my character that counts, but how often and for who I spread my legs.

Gotta love that demeaning terminology.

I'm a consumable commodity. Every time I sleep with someone, part of my limited value is scraped away, like a knife taken to a stick of butter. By the time I reach thirty, I'll be left with one greasy dish and a soulless, wrinkled husk wandering Los Angeles, drool escaping from the corner of my mouth as I moan "Provider... providerrrrrrr..."

Mmm, delicious brains. Er, I mean, mmm, delicious beta males.


  1. I'm more of a theta male... you know.. the bandwidth of conscious just before REM sleep... Basically lucid dreaming... though still awake....

  2. Hey, Poetry, this is a great posting, the last six paragraphs especially so. Thanks for the good laugh.

    Yesterday, you made a fleeting reference to your "ethical code." In a way, this posting is about your code too, and what it means for the future.

    Those who don't believe in your code paint you a dim future. I'm reminded of fundamentalist "fire and brimstone" preachers: "Ye shall be condemned to Hell for all eternity!" However, your interlocutors are deprived of a fiery hell, and so they conjure up a bag lady instead.

    No chance of that happening.

    When I first read about your ever-shrinking pool of acceptable men, I thought, "Why doesn't Poetry just teach sexual techniques to other, less experienced men? That way, her universe of available men grows greater as she gains more experience." It was an obvious answer, one I knew you thought of long before I did.

    You answered my question in this posting. It's in this sentence, isn't it? "The more [your guy friends] get to know [you], the harder they fall, until [you're] sitting there near praying that they get a girlfriend so [you] don't have to find [yourself] in another awkward social situation."

    It's your ethical code again. You limit yourself to very experienced men because they're the only ones who can responsibly handle your beauty, brains, and sexuality.

  3. You limit yourself to very experienced men because they're the only ones who can responsibly handle your beauty, brains, and sexuality.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  4. The seduction community's opinion of the fate of women is at times amusing, depressing, insightful and ludicrous. It's almost like they truly believe that there is a "Logan's Run" of beta marriage for any woman who dares not marry by 23, the first 30+ year old self-made alpha who will have her.

    How dare you not step in line with the rest of the sexually viable women, forced to choose either the "cumdumpster/beta wife/worn-out cougar" line or the "virtuous/worthy of marriage to one of them" line!

    PS., You got an actual "LOL" at the "beta brains" comment!

  5. POF will make a great mother someday.

    ta republique

  6. Savage,

    That was a brilliant, completely unexpected response. I salute you and your humor.


    I had forgotten that, I've been so immersed in the meshing worlds of evo-psych and pick-up for the last year that I had forgotten why I had come to prize the men I do. It's not a matter of responsibility, it's more so I do not feel like I'm taking advantage of my partners. I'll likely write a post on this, once I finish mulling it over. Thanks for the inspiration.


    If you can't place nice with the others, mister, I'll end recess early and you'll go straight to time-out.


    You're always such a grounding influence for me. I get too wrapped up in these ideas, testing theories, applying mindsets, to experiment and see what other ways I can look at things, that I forget myself, forget what these men look like to others.

    Marriage to a standard-issue PUA? Eesh. I'll pass. You up for a game of hot potato?


    That sentiment coming from you is mildly disturbing, so I'm hoping the reference that I do not understand in the second part of your comment makes it at least a minor insult so I feel more comfortable.

  7. It's not my job to make you comfortable.

    Nice response though - it's like you're taking us all on at once. nice

  8. Firepower,

    Aw, you're going to make me blush.

  9. I like that Mother Hen thing of yours. Shows your sweet side.

    The thing is, you obviously are quite conflicted about all that.

    What I take is that you really want a man for good, but you constantly end up with guys who have no interest settling down with you. And your clock is ticking.

    I understand that you like to think that all is okay, and things will magically change sometime somehow. But empty "fell good" platitudes from others won't help you in the long run. You are a smart woman, you know that.

  10. 11minutes,

    Oh, I'm adorably sweet most of the time.

    Actually, I try not to get into relationships most of the time. I pick lovers, men I do not want to date, and live my life until I smack into someone who wants to nail me down. No, not in that way. If you're basing it off of men I've "ended up with" sexually, yes, I constantly end up with men who don't want to settle down which is wonderful because I don't want them. My lovers greatly outnumber my relationships, but all of my relationships were long-term, two of them co-habitating.

    Things won't magically change. There's no change to needing be had. I grow and progress so much each year, better and better men find me, want to be with me. I have to fight off the symptoms of serial monogamy because I keep getting taken off the market and I need to be alone for once, without a man in my life.

    I think you're reading me wrong, or haven't read me at all. It'd be nice if you were able to open up a bit, gather information without judgement, without bias. You're a smart man, I enjoy your blog. You're more than you present yourself, smarter than the prejudices you've built.

  11. To be fair, I haven't read many of your posts. Not that they're poorly written. They're just too tl;dr for my tastes.

    But what I read from you, I found intriguing. Your constant naval gazing is characterized by this inner conflict that I now understand is deeply rooted in your tragic personal history.

    This is what you posted on my blog a few days ago:
    "All I've ever wanted was a long-term partner, one person to have sex with, one man I could respect and trust. I no longer have need for variety in my bed, I'm quite content without it, I know this from experience."

    And now you tell me that you keep yourself willfully from finding happiness in fulfilling your dream of being with a steady partner?

    I take it that you believe that you are "progressing" towards him. Finding better and better men by dating up the scale or something like that. You also alluded at just "taking lovers" while you wait (for a better future?).

    You say your final partner will be a man who will not be (to use your words) "intimidated" by your sexual history. What I find amazing is that you really seem to believe that any such man would stop enjoying variety and instead watch you get old and unattractive?

    This really fascinates me. It really does. Otherwise I would not waste my time commenting.

    It is also interesting that you first tell yourself that you still are attractive (which is beside the point - because it will not last forever), and then you launch into a counter attack against PUAs (who are indeed so pathetic that they provide an easy target). Why do you need to do that? Why did you wonder about all that at all?

    I believe it is because finding out more about the repercussions of the Madonna/Whore syndrome that plagues us men pushes a button deep inside you. You are a very self reflecting and analytical person. And it is because of that that you sense that what I am saying is not without ground.

  12. I'm glad you belatedly followed my advice.

    Not sure how this will end w/GV8 but am sure that it was something you needed to (or should for your happiness/development fully and not so reservedly/self protectively explore.

  13. 11minutes,

    My posts are ridiculously long, I know. I'm trying to stop being so repetitive, cut them down a bit, but it's not really working.

    What I'm doing is actually helping me find my ideal partner. Yes, I know that most women, myself included, desire high status males. But there is more than status that I desire in a partner, significantly more that I've found next to impossible to find.

    I know that you look at what women desire, and the tactics that they employ to snag the man of their dreams. These are things you need to know in order to snag your Average Operating Female.

    And those women are out to snag the highest status Average Operating Male that they can find.

    If you ever met me, examined how I interact with men, you'd find that I take an entirely different set of tactics, based on my own personality and my male-based needs. I constantly advocate to my female friends, we have to become the bait for the kind of man we desire.

    Fortunately for me, I'm already geared in that direction. I don't have to put a lot of work into tagging my guys.

    Which brings us back to me "willfully from finding happiness". If I'm sexually satisfied, not prone to clinging, aware of my desirability, putting off that "relationship-content" vibe that people do when they are in a relationship (especially newly so)... I'm golden. It may not seem so to you, it may seem like I'm coming off as an overly confident ball-busting lawyer-type who secretly fantasizes about having a man take care of her.

    I do not want an imbalanced relationship. I do not want a man who feels as though he has to impress me. I do not want to be with a man who desires a woman to lean on him, bat her eyes, and call him into the kitchen to crush spiders. I do not want someone who is intimidated by me, who finds my sexuality more than they can handle.

    It's an excellent screening process.

    So, yes, I take lovers. I take wonderful men whose company I enjoy, whose bodies I enjoy, but who I know I would have a fruitless relationship with. We're friends who share bodies, share time and experiences, without the romance or long-term intention. And when I find someone or they find someone, we continue our friendship... platonically.

    And you're, at least, partially right. My last boyfriend was Mr. Sex God. Variety was key. Which is what swing clubs are for. But now I'm working on another highly active male who is looking towards the monogamous lifestyle. He's not my sort of relationship material, but he does fit the sexual profile of a desirable male (to me). But he's monogamous, wants that long-term relationship ending in marriage.

    It does happen. Rarely.

    Just like girls like me happen. Rarely.

    My post wasn't about attacking PUAs, but trying to shrug off a mindset. When I spend too much time in one social group, I start picking up value systems, and it takes me writing it out to go back to my baseline.

    And I don't think PUAs are pathetic. I think they're lovely, actually. Men recognizing a minor or major failing in themselves and taking steps to learn and grow. What I do find sad is when they get so jaded and cynical about what they experience by picking up women, the general misogyny that springs, as well as the incredible sexual biases. It's so damaged, so harmful, creates horrible behaviors, and I never can figure out who I feel more sorry for when it comes to gender roles.

    I actually wrote a wonderful article on the Madonna/Whore syndrome last year, on my other blog. Incredibly well received, wish I could link it. I know what it is, I know what it means, and it's an excellent sign of male inexperience and feelings of inadequacy. It's one of my filters when screening males, if I can create the right situation. Drop them like a sack of bricks if they don't pass, I don't have the time to go about educating them to what the "real world" looks like.

  14. Jeez, could I have made a longer comment? Sorry.


    Yes, if only we hadn't split in December. I wish I could keep hammering at his shell, but I won't. Too much love and respect for him.

  15. I know we'll probably ever meet so can't take you out for umm wait.. you don't drink coffee anymore.... okay so I can't take you out to eat so you can show me how to eat artichoke... but anyways since we probably won't meet I did something else instead. I wrote poem for you. I posted it on my blog but I don't know if you peruse the latest one as of yet so I thought I'd deliver said poem here....

    On the Floor

    It aint hard to find that beat
    The lilting, tilting, wicked rhythm
    The razor edge, fine line trance
    The gizmo dancer, rocking schism

    Just synchronize your body vibes
    Shuffle down with the dance floor hustle
    Move to the groove to rhythm to the beat
    Flexing bad ass dance floor muscle

    Glow-stick flashing, fancy freedom
    The hypno-spastic, elastic grooving
    Drum bass licking lung vibration
    Lurching, rhythmic body moving

    Clockwork, grinding, dancing gears
    Tick and tock and winding, weaving
    Acrobatic light fantastic
    Watchers watching breathless breathing

    Shakers shaking the shindig shuffle
    Electro-sexy techno thumping
    Sweat baptized in the ballroom blitz
    Keep on moving, the beat keeps jumping

    -Mark “The Savage” George

  16. Savage,

    I already said it on your blog, but I'll say it here as well. I do love the rhythm of this poem, it's gorgeously spaced out, total beat in my head while reading it. <3