Thursday, March 11, 2010

I'm not really sure how I wish to tackle this post. I've got many things to say, and most of them are not related to each other in the slightest.

I'm sick of talking about GV8 right now. I'm tired of the high emotions, of attempting to retain my grasp on my possible life-goals, embarassed that I'm participating in an on-again-off-again relationship, sad that he's gone (again), and in this weird state where I want to cling to the ideal of him, of us, but I'm not sure if that's because I have hopes for him, for us, or if I don't want to deal with the possibility that I actually allowed a pheromone-driven situation influence me so strongly, that what was/is between us is nothing more than biology, that my instincts that he was The One were wrong.

All that, and more, for one low, low price.

I spent a chunk of this afternoon at my doctor's, my legs spread, heels in stirrups. I know, I know, the imagery is something you've always desired. Apparently, my right ovary has formed a small cyst and it's fucking with my female state of being in a painful way. Which meant hanging out at a place that does ultrasounds so I could confirm I don't have some massive tumor crushing my uterus or somesuch.

Which I might. Hopefully not, though. Aside from not keeping myself in healthy athletic shape, though that will be changing soon, I do take care of myself.

Those two things aside, I've got this thing that's bugging me.

One of my best friends is a forty year old man. We've been friends for about a decade now, never any sexual activity, though he's openly desired me for the length of our friendship. He's a fan of open relationships, swinging and the like, and has a solid reputation as a sexually promiscuous soul. People will get warned off him upon occasion.

But he's wonderful.

He has been dating a girl, 28, for around five years now, living together for four of those years. I really enjoy her company, more than most women (though that's not saying a lot, because most women I just don't care to deal with on more than a basic social level), and we occasionally spend time together without him.

She's... young, in her own way. She was raised, as far as I can tell, in a religiou home, but no more religious than the standard Orange County Christian. She uses alcohol to overcome sexual inhibitions, like most girls seem to do when they aren't quiet comfortable in being the naturally sexual creatures that they are. She doesn't quite understand, I belive, the responsibility and respect necessary to be in a healthy relationship.

With all that, I like her. She's a kind and decent person, very caring, very supportive of her friends, very driven to succeed in her chosen field on her powers alone, without stepping on others. She's an animal lover, a writer, always genuinely friendly to everyone, no matter how much she may dislike them.

And she knows her boyfriend has been in love with me for years.
She knows he wants me, she knows he spends time alone with me.

But she trusts the both of us.

Which is as she should. I have knowingly touched a man in a relationship, oh, I think twice now. The first of those times, I was twenty-one, and he led me to believe it was a casual thing. I found out later it was not, and was pretty annoyed. The second of those times was last year, I kissed someone with a girlfriend, wrote about it here because it bothered me so much.

Anyway, she and my friend have entered into the sort of standard, passionless relationship, it seems. Too long together without relationship maintenance needed to keep each other on their toes, keep it going. My friend has submitted to her needs for monogamy (I wish GV8 would do that for me, bleh), and she's content.

Now, why I bring this up and provide this short backstory is because they had an upset late last year.

You see, they went to a Christmas party and she met someone.

I honestly don't know how she went this long without meeting this man. I mean, I was 17 when I met him, on a camping trip, and he was lovely hotness. One of the few blondes I've ever gone for. But he wouldn't touch me because I was underage, and then he married fairly quickly after (though, of late, he's been sniffing around and I've been whacking his nose with a rolled up newspaper because I'm so very past wanting him).

She met him at this party and she lusted. She lusted enough that she went to my friend and asked him to have an open relationship, just so she could bone the hell out of this guy.

Her needs for monogamy in her relationship were tossed aside by her lusts for this man she had just met.

Even better, this man has repeatedly accused my friend of sleeping with his separated wife, helping along their impending divorce.

So my friend's girlfriend becomes distant from him, starts pushing away, starts talking online and on the phone with this new man, goes out for coffee with him behind my friend's back.

This, this is where a point comes in I've been trying to make for a few months now.

She's 28, two years older than me. She's had four boyfriends, her sexual experience/partner count is extremely limited. She met someone new, someone who had a grudge against her boyfriend, and he spun her head, probably on purpose. Intentional seduction for revenge.

If my friend had not stepped in, not sat her down and taken control of the situation, she would have cheated on him. Maybe she did before that conversation happened.

This is what limited experience does. This is social and sexual handicapping. The MRA/PUA movement loves to preach so very much that a girl with a low partner count is less likely to cheat and is, therefore, of more value than a more experienced woman.

Because, of course, more experienced women have no self control, as illustrated by their high numbers.

That is a load. A load of what? Pick something you don't like, and it's a load of that.

What I do agree with is that women with high partner counts, like myself, tend to have some underlying issues. Those issues vary so much from person to person, some of them are manageable and can be healed with time and the right support, some of them are incredibly deep-seated and will likely never quite go away, always having some sort of impact on the mental health of the individual.

I say "individual" because it isn't just a "female" issue. I'd wager that the majority of the PUA/MRA set has very similar underlying issues that prompt their own behaviors towards seduction, manipulation, misogyny, sexual validation, and so on.

People have issues, whether or not they are sleeping around.

What matters is if your damages mesh with that of your partner's.

When I started ranting to my friend about the lack of experience women are expected to have, and the negative outcomes that social handicap has on relationships, he told me that he did not believe she had any idea she had been seduced, that she was not aware of her behaviors. If she had a quarter of the experience I have with men, she would have realized what was going on, and it would not have progressed as far as it did.

This is what happens, if I'm going to draw a quick metaphor:

If you only give a person the most basic of driving lessons, when they are out on the road going about their lives, they will not have the essential knowledge or skills needed to avoid accidents. They'll probably get through their day to day for months without issue, simply by luck, but when another car comes barreling their way, even if they see it, they're not going to be competent enough to avoid getting hit.

I would rather be dinged, nicked, keyed, rear-ended, maybe taken for a joyride in my youth while I'm learning to drive with skill, than be plowed into when I have a boyfriend, husband, or even family in my car when I'm older.

My friend could have lost his relationship because of her naivety. He's not a PUA, he doesn't specialize in maintenance, he's just an average guy, like most men on this planet (hence "average").

If women are continually shielded from their sexuality, infidelity is to be expected. Temptation, passion, these girls don't have experience in it, don't know what is causing these feelings, only that those feelings are there and they don't have the experience to control them. Marry your high school sweetheart, marry your second or third sex partner, and you've got a life that is open for temptation because you've never gotten a chance to establish yourself, to learn what sex is.

Personally, I haven't cheated on a boyfriend since I was sixteen.

And it is not because I haven't had offers, haven't been tempted, haven't had the opportunity. I have. I just choose not to take it because I know that passionate, but meaningless, sex is nothing compared to a good relationship. Because I have that experience. Because when a guy tries to trick/trap me into a situation, I've already cockblocked them, because I know the signs, I know their moves, and I know that there's nothing there worth it.

I've been tested and I've been true.

I may have a high partner count, but I've come out clean, come out better for it. I do not urge others to follow my example, but I do wish that it would be recognized that a lack of experience and the suppression of female sexuality does have infidelity repercussions, as much as evo-psych theorists love to claim otherwise.

You don't need to turn to scientific theory to justify why you desire a mate with a low partner count. Your search for validation of your wishes is unnecessary, save for argument's sake. So what are you trying to prove?


  1. I had a dead-end relationship ex. Her partner count exceeded mine by about 10%. BUT... I exceeded her in experience. To use a vehicle related analogy myself, she has only driven in a certain radius to where she has lived never extending beyond her known boundaries. She may have driven more but I had driven in several different traffic conditions through out. I may not be the best driver but I'm rarely stuck in the same traffic....

    Experience doesn't come with quantity but with variety....

  2. Just read the link Social Pathologist posted...I'd like to find the text of that journal article. I dislike making proclamations based on another writer's interpretation of the data. The article quoted mentioned previous sexual partner count as indicative of cheaters, but it also mentioned race and gender. I want to see the break-out scores by gender to assess how strong of a factor previous partner count is. Taken as a whole, the previous partner count = infidelity logic could just be a reflection of the commonality of men having higher partner counts along with men being more likely to cheat (at least in the results of that study.)

    And here is one that takes another interesting look at the possible correlations between partner counts in couples: Matching in sexual experience for married, cohabitating, and dating couples.

    This one says that the happiest couples have *matching* levels of sexual experience, regardless of actual counts. Based on this...alphas should marry sluts.

  3. Um. If the guy's been "in love" with you for years he shouldn't have been with her.

  4. Social Pathologist,

    I don't have time to tackle that article now, but if I can get the time this weekend, I will be posting about it, in my own way. Thank you for supplying it.


    I completely agree, which is why I try to keep my partners varied, and when people tell me they want to get "better at sex" or brag how much they please their girlfriend, I point out that no one is the quite the same in their sexual responses, and the best way to improve is variety. Minds thinking alike, I send you an internet high-five!


    I was reading your comment on my blackberry while doing about 80 on the freeway this morning, laughing my ass off at my mental image of any hopefully alpha's face when he reads your conclusion. Perfect.


    Some people, though I am not one of them, have the ability to love and be in love with more than one person, and he is one of those people that advocates such things if one can mentally handle it. From what I've read, the belief is that the heart has unlimited capacity, the only restriction on romantic affection is time.

  5. "rear-ended". heh.

    hope all turns out well with the cyst. stay on it...

  6. You don't need to turn to scientific theory to justify why you desire a mate with a low partner count. Your search for validation of your wishes is unnecessary, save for argument's sake. So what are you trying to prove?
    I think it all boils down to this, really.
    You know, I love some of the crap the PUA/MRA community wails about like little girls. Their attempts at instilling a masculine sense of identity and stoicism and pride are direly needed in these times of the Age of the Non-Man.

    Luckily I consider myself mature enough to parse out their message and take what I need or what I find interesting.

    Many of the MRA/PUA (and why is that a slash relationship? I personally think MRA and PUA need not ever be conjoined, but unfortunately they are) fixations are pure bullshit.

    Case in point, the partner count fixation. Personally I think a lot of these dudes have bigass cyber mouths and very little else. They are probably borderline virgins reflecting their own sexual incompetence and inexperience back on the female population they seek to "game."

    There is a whole set of personality traits that accompany a woman with an average to high partner count, and frankly they are traits I find appealing. Generally these women are less needy, less clingy, sharper, and way more in tune with their environment and self than low partnered women.

    Low partnered women can be very nice and friendly and sweet...on the surface. Many times they are back-stabbing and catty, even by woman standards. Low partnered women tend to be repressed, naive, overly-trusting and conformist. They are perfect fodder for the Beta male who populates the world of MRA/PUA. Which is most of them. Why else do you think that type seeks a social paradigm in which all women are virgins?

    It reeks of fear and helplessness, this desire for virginic and inexperienced women. I personally want a woman who can hold her own and presents a challenge which unfortunately is not the MRA/PUA way

  7. Maurice,

    Ultrasound done, blood work done, just gotta wait for the results. I'm actually on top of things, kinda odd.


    See, you have a viewpoint that makes sense to me. When other men don't share those values, which they often don't... I just get confused. Why would anyone want to be partnered with someone as you described, solely based on her partner-count? I hate the psychological issues these guys have, and how they press that weakness onto others in such an aggressive manner.