Wednesday, March 10, 2010




Here I am (again).
GV8 has left me (again).
By email (again).
On a Wednesday (again).

I'm sad. I'm not crushed, I'm not devastated.

It's just... again.

He says he'll... gods, I don't know. That he needs some time. Like he'll come back, you know, in a few months, when he's got things under control in his life, knows what he wants.

I don't see that happening.

What I do see is him getting sucked into the sex god life he has set for himself, throwing all of his energy into his club, into banging the good bang, into opening another club after that. Girl after girl after girl.

And forgetting me.

Especially since, after he let me know he needed space to get things together, I told him what happened with The Bassist. Talk about putting the proverbial bullet to our relationship's brain. Shouldn't have done it if I wanted to save the relationship, but I can't not be honest.

Our last communication by email.

The bar outside is loud. They open the doors to come out and smoke their cigarettes, music spills out, dances across the street through the alley and into my window.

Feels a bit hollow.

If I hadn't already, if I didn't know better, I'd throw myself after him. I'd drive to Hollywood, let myself into his apartment, and tell him he's not leaving me. That this isn't the way things are supposed to be, how can he deny what we have? He knows it's there.

This is what happens when you stand up for yourself, apparently.

Not exactly what I had been hoping for, I will easily admit.

Listen to the traffic pass by. I've been asking my friends what the goal is in life. What we're striving for. Poets, writers, singers, philosophers, gods, they all point at love. Different types of love, but it's always love.

All you need is love.

Is that it, though? Spend sixty to ninety years on this planet, trying to untangle who you were raised as, form yourself, and then... love? A life isn't worth living without love? You have to experience love? Passionate, heart-breaking love?

It's always a deathbed thing, too. Wishing that you had loved, wishing that you had told someone you loved them, wishing you had chased after that girl, that you hadn't cheated on your wife/husband, that you had had the courage to ask her to the dance.

Is it love?

Watching movies, nearly all the movies I've ever seen, and there's love. Love, sex, connection, something with another person. Unformed on your own, you need that Other. It brings reason to your existence. Brings reason to being, what the two of you create, a chemistry set between you.

It feels empty. My apartment is cold, my bed is large, and I'm left wondering what do to with myself. Accepting the likelihood that he'll never come back to me, my beautiful lover is gone because he could not reconcile his needs and his wants.

So what do I do now?

Curl up, sleep, and dream that he's beside me. Fantasize that I haven't lost something so precious I may never find it again in this lifetime.


  1. Is love nothing more than humanly-tainted and romanticized fear of loneliness?

    I always hear people talk about how their dog gets "lonely."

    Not sure I buy that concept.

  2. Before I added a second, my dog got bored while I was at work. I know this b/c she would tear things up. Now she doesn't. Not sure about lonely.

    Love is more than a fear of loneliness. I don't buy the concept of one true love, though.

  3. Get out of my head, please.

    A little less glib: I've been thinking a bit too much lately. This is pretty much what I've been thinking about. You touch this cord in me sometimes, making me realize that the crazy monkey part of my brain isn't really so crazy.

  4. Aldonza,

    I popped on gchat as soon as I got that comment but, alas, there was no you in sight. But then having to work took over and I was distracted.


    I don't think it is or, if it is, it is only for some people. I don't fear loneliness, I think. I do worry that I won't experience the "best" live has to offer, the ultimate goal, whatever it is.


    I don't believe in one true love, either. I'm still not sure what I think about what happened with GV8 and myself, if I should chalk it up to pheromones, psychological needs linking, or some sort of metaphysical destiny. It feels like I'd be making it less by the former two, and making way too much of it by the latter.

    Mighty Hunter,

    Or maybe the crazy monkey part of your brain is crazier than you previously thought. *cue dramatic drumming*

  5. When I first started seeing my current man, I had invited him over to my home to watch a movie and I had planned to make him a club sandwich to show him my culinary skills.I thought it a totally innocent invitation.

    When we got together he switched the date to taking me out for breakfast at a crowded resturant. It was less than romantic and all I could think about was that I wanted just one kiss, which I didn't get.

    He had gotten a case of cold feet and had second thoughts about seeing me and said it would be better if we could just be friends. I was so infuriated that he had suddenly turned the cold faucet on that I called him and confessed to him that I wanted to see him again and that all I had wanted was a kiss. I thought he didn't like me and was backing off.
    Later he confessed to me that it was quite the opposite. If he had come to my home he would have "layed me down" because he was so attracted to me. Sometimes peoples actions dont really match their true feelings.

    The fact that he asked for time in itself is not a bad thing. If he wants to see you again, he will have to let you know what his intentions are before you let him back in the door. That would be the point when you would be able to set the parameters for how it is going to be. Let him know that it has to be all or nothing. Don't settle for anything less. If you feel like going to see him, you should, just dont compromise.

  6. Especially since, after he let me know he needed space to get things together, I told him what happened with The Bassist. Talk about putting the proverbial bullet to our relationship's brain. Shouldn't have done it if I wanted to save the relationship, but I can't not be honest.

    Just looked in on you again after quite a while.

    Here's my reaction. You also can't not return to being a slut. Once a serious slut, always a slut. Or always a great likelihood of returning to that at some provocation or emotional event. Especially when one retains a slut embracing attitude, but to a lesser extent, even if not. Due to brain chemicals. Like in all things human, there are always exceptions but that's the strong strong tendency. Said twice for a reason.

    White knighter betas and gammas, eat my (older guy) alpha ass.

  7. I'm not saying you can't change but rather that it will be really hard. Going with how you feel from moment to moment or day to day or week to week will never ever work in your case.

  8. Doug1,

    I know I can change. I have changed. But I do have the thought patterns very trained into me that allow me to enjoy and partake of highly sexual behavior on a level that others usually won't understand. That's something I have to get a handle on, but I've come so far as is, I doubt it'll be too much of a battle. I've fought worse with myself.