Monday, March 22, 2010

Long distance run around...

Well, let's see if I'm ballsy enough to do this.

I had to call GV8 today.

See, I got my test results back from el doctor, regarding my pelvic pain, as well as my pap smear. Pelvic pain was due to a cyst on my right ovary, which is normal enough and will likely go away without treatment. What I would need to do to get rid of it, should it not go away, is birth control.

I don't really want to go on birth control. I've been trying for the last six years to get off a prescription drug, allowing that addiction to affect my personal life more than I care to, and I don't want to start another, even temporary, drug.

Trying to get my system clean.

How nice would that be?

No alcohol, no illegal drugs, no smoking, no coffee. That's all done.
No caffeine, no prescription drugs, no over the counter drugs, that's next.

Anyway, so that was good. I don't have some horrible, life-threating issue with my feminine (are any parts of me feminine??) bits.

However, I finally popped up with an STD. You'd think that would have happened by now, what with my track record, but, aside from the occasional, generic cold sore, I've been clean.

Since he's been my only genital-to-genital contact since mid-November, and one of two men that has gone down on me in that period of time, and since we did engage in the unprotected sex mid-February, and my last test was January... it was him.

I can't be angry. He tests four times a year, each season change.

And you can't test a man for HPV. No symptoms, no partners catching it, you have no idea. Supposedly, one out of two men have it. Is that actually true? I have no idea.

The doctors say it's very early on, my body might just reject it entirely, since it is a virus, I am healthy, and I've been vaccinated.

Am I worried?

Not really. A large portion of my female friends, even those with a very low partner count, have HPV. So that makes me feel better. And I'm not slutting it up anymore, by my own choice, so there's no idea for those awkward answers to "are you clean?" questions. Not that I'd need it to get to that point before disclosure. But that's me.

And I know I have it. Incredibly early on. Which means I can monitor it, check it often, make sure that any potential cancerous cells are caught early on.

As for GV8, he's a bit shocked. He's always 100% condom use (not that that stops HPV), tests so often, has never had a girl come back to him with a compliant of infection. I suppose it might just cramp his lifestyle a bit.

Anyway, I called. Let him know what had happened, that it was 99.9% him. We talked for a little, caught up. Asked him, when I went to go, if he wanted to go back to maintaining radio silence, or if he wanted to talk more about this all once I got off of work.

He wanted to talk.

Not that we talked about any of that, once I got home from having dinner with a friend. We talked about his club, about his business, about friends, about family, catching up. I introduced him to The Bassist's side projects, which he enjoyed greatly.

Did we talk about us? No, only to say that we were going back into radio silence. That he'd talk with me again, eventually.

He did not say he missed me.
He did not say he had thought about me during our break.
He did not say he loved me.

When I joked about him getting too fat to slip a wedding ring on his finger, he said he would check and, yeah, we could still fit one on there.

I'm 26 and financially stable, with a decent job.
I'm 26 and I'm a college graduate, and going back for more.
I'm 26 and I live on my own, no roommates.
I'm 26 and at the same weight I was at 18.
I'm 26 and each year I get healthier.

I have to keep focusing on myself and my goals.

As we talked, while I missed him, while if he would have told me he would be at my front door in thirty minutes, pack a bag, we're going to Vegas for an Elvis wedding, I realized it wasn't a good idea to be talking to him. I realized that I needed more time, and I wouldn't have the willpower to say "not yet" if he told me he wanted me back.

I do need more time.

Yes, yes, I want to be with him. Husband, wife.

Me as a wife? I'm trying to imagine that.

But I want to get things done. I want to live before I let him absorb me.

And maybe, maybe by that time, if that time every comes, he won't be able to absorb me. I won't be giving up my life to be with him any longer. I'll be able to love him, be with him, and live on my own terms.

And maybe it's a non-issue.


  1. It is unfortunate that the one person you care for the most has caused you a health issue. I only want to say one thing. If you need to take birth control to treat a cyst on your ovarie then it would be wise to do it. It is a small sacrifice to make in taking medication to preserve a vital organ in your body. Take Care, Sweet

  2. Your aversion to all prescription drugs is extreme, emotional, and anti scientific. Cut it out. So says Doug1.

    That's not to say that skepticism towards over prescription of drugs isn't very healthy, it is.

    Balance Poetry, balance.

  3. Poetry--

    I haven't read intervening posts between when I last commented to you. Did read this one of course.

    My advice to you re: GV8, who you obviously still want if he wants you enough in future, is to convince him that you're truly sorry for fucking someone else w/out his permission and you'll never do that again w/him if he ever takes you back. You can say, probably that you hope he'll get off on directing you to be a slut sometimes w/other men, but that it would only be under his direction and control if he ever wanted to take you back.

    You can also put in other messages of demand on him, but what I just said is key to his wanting you, I instinctively strongly feel.

    He may still not because although in many ways you are emotionally compatible, and sexually compatible w/reservations about your reflexive cuckolding tendencies, you're not extremely hot. He is pretty hot, from what I can figure. Forget handsome. He's alpha. He's a bad ass. It'll take another 10-15 years before he significantly slows down probably. In fact he seems to be ramping up now. (What he got out of prison or something a year ago or so?)

  4. SweetMagnoliya,

    The cyst should fall off on its own. It's not common for cysts to get stuck as part of the cycle. If it's not gone by May, I'll slip onto BC for a bit.


    I want to keep my system clean. I know that it's not wise to avoid all drugs, but as many as I can would be nice. We over-medicate.

    GV8 has been out of prison since, I believe 2003 or 2004. Is he ramping up? Yes and no. It feels a lot like he's going through the motions of dreams he had, but doesn't seem to care overmuch with living them.

    Also, I have no "reflexive cuckolding issues". I've not cheated on a boyfriend in ten years. We had an open relationship, his choice. If he gets upset because I also take advantage of it, then that's foolish of him.

  5. I'm very happy to hear it's only a cyst.

    BC is a bitch and I can't blame you for wanting to avoid it. Not to mention how it kills a woman's sex drive. Not good at all.

    GV8 is an ex-con?
    Wow. I really need to start reading your older posts, I feel like I've missed so much of your enigmatic life :)

  6. Phoenixism,

    Me too. I was starting to worry with how much the pain was ramping up that it would be something worse.

    And, yeah, GV8 is an ex-con many times over, with more than a few defeated life sentences. I found an odd one. Technically, they're all odd, but he tops the list.

    Enigmatic? Really?? Huh.

  7. It strikes me as odd that he had trouble comprehending that high partner count (even with condoms) means high likelihood of picking up something like HPV or Herpes? Seems very naive to me. In fact, most people I know who engage in that kind of behavior just accept it as a fact.

    I don't have a high partner count, and even I know that it's possible that I have asymptomatic HPV or Herpes.